


These Walls Are Paper Thin

by Danistalley12



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 85,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danistalley12/pseuds/Danistalley12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa was deep into her last year of law school and her life was finally beginning to stabilise. She was happy keeping to herself and her few friends, preferring to have as little contact with the rest of the world as possible. That was until she began receiving the mail of the girl who had moved into the apartment next to her and that’s when things began to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A few quick things to note with my new fic just as an FYI
> 
> This is technically a College AU story because they are both indeed in college but I'm not going to base this story on the fact that they are in college. This story is very Clarke/Lexa centric meaning that most of the dialog will happen between the two of them at the start and I will be bringing other characters in as I go deeper into the story. 
> 
> This also means that it will be more about them than what is happening around them unlike my last story. 
> 
> I think it's pretty different to what I have written before so keep with me but I think I might be onto something a little more fun :) 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

Lexa had been living in the same apartment complex for a few years now.

 

It wasn’t the prettiest or newest of places but the rent was reasonable, people generally kept to themselves and the location was extremely convenient.

 

Apartment 1811 had been her home for the past 6 years and put simply she was content there.

 

Her apartment was pretty old and had gone through some repairs, but the value plus size of the apartment definitely outweighed how much she paid in rent.

 

She wasn’t one to decorate too much or even care about what her apartment looked like so she had thrown a few pictures up on the walls to keep it from looking empty and a few cushions on her couch to make it look a little homier than what it had originally when she had first moved in.

 

Otherwise it was so overly neat and could have even been argued that no one had lived there at all.

 

It was a quiet building, she didn’t really know anyone who lived in it truth be told besides a polite smile or greeting in the hallways and that’s exactly how she wanted to keep it.

 

Lexa even went to the lengths of taking the stairs up to her floor at times to avoid any awkward conversations in the very slow elevator, which she cursed herself for considering she lived on the 18th floor.

 

It wasn’t that Lexa didn’t like the people there, she would hardly know if someone from her floor passed her on the street in all honesty.

 

She just was very selective with the people she let in her life and could count the number of close friends she actually trusted on her one hand.

 

And that was exactly how she wanted it.

 

Lexa had learnt from a very young age after growing up in different foster homes constantly that the world was cruel and unfair.

 

So in order to protect herself, she just didn’t attach herself in any means so she couldn’t get hurt and she believed she had good reasoning for that.

 

Lexa may have had a bit of a rough start to her life but she didn’t allow herself to hold any pity parties, she was too busy finishing her last year of law school to dwell on any of it.

 

She worked hard.

 

Sometimes she worked herself too hard but she had to in order to keep her scholarship and that didn’t include the fact that she had a job at a local bookstore to support herself financially.  

 

Lexa grunted as she pushed through the door into her apartment complex, the short walk to college was another positive she took out of where she lived.

 

A cool breeze following her in as she shook her hood from her head and quickly pulled her gloves from her hands before she stopped at her mail locker.

 

She fiddled to find her keys, biting her bottom lip as she reached to the very corner of her deep jacket pockets and grinning when she grasped them in her hands successfully.

 

Unlocking her mail locker quickly, she pulled a few envelopes out before she moved towards the elevator after seeing no one else was around.

 

Flicking through the envelopes she paused and groaned as she landed on a letter that didn’t belong to her but was in her mail locker.

 

Turning on her heel quickly she made her way to the apartment manager’s office, knocking on the door loudly.

 

“Lexa” He answered with a wide grin on his face as he turned around on his chair

 

“Gustus this is the third week in a row I have received this Clarke Griffin’s mail” Lexa complained as she held the letter in front of her “Why?”

 

“Well Clarke lives next to you now” Gustus shrugged “You’ll have to speak to the mailman because I have tried to already for you”

 

“So what am I supposed to do with this?”

 

“Put it under the door like the other times” Gustus offered with an amused smile “Lexa you know that I love you how you are but maybe it’s time you try and make friends with people in this building instead of avoiding everyone”

 

“I don’t avoid you” Lexa replied quickly

 

“That’s because I own the building and I’ve known you for 6 years”

 

Gustus was one of the people that Lexa trusted, though he owned the building and she paid him rent; Lexa considered him more of a friend than anything.

 

Gustus was the very first person to give Lexa a chance when she left the foster system at 18 because he had grown up in the very same system.

 

Letting her live rent free for the first month as she got herself up on her feet outside of the foster care system and set her up with a job.

 

Lexa wasn’t sure where she would be if it weren’t for him but she was unbelievably grateful.

 

“Well I don’t know whether anyone actually lives next door or not because I haven’t seen or heard anyone come out of there” Lexa shook her head

 

“Probably because you are always out too” Gustus chuckled to himself “Maybe talk to Clarke about this”

 

“Well you are no help” Lexa uttered with a shake of her head as she backed away from the doorway

 

“You’ll be okay” Gustus smirked “Have a good rest of your day”

 

“You too” Lexa replied with a nod before she moved to the lobby once more where she found a young couple standing, waiting for the elevator

 

She sighed quietly and shuffled her heavy feet towards the stairwell.

 

She knew that it was her own choice to take the stairs but she had seen this couple before and they were always disgustingly all over each other and she was unwilling to subject herself to the sight.

 

The elevators were slow enough in the building; she didn’t want to have to be made to feel like they were going any slower.

 

Lexa was tired; she had been up all night trying to finish an essay and was only returning to her apartment so she could get changed for work so she didn’t really enjoy her trip up 18 flights of stairs.

 

Once she finally reached her floor she pulled out her keys again from her pocket, placing them in the lock to turn before she paused momentarily.

 

She could actually hear soft music coming from the apartment next to her.

 

The one that belonged to this Clarke Griffin and the apartment that Lexa had never heard any sound coming from for the 3 weeks Clarke had supposedly been there.

 

She looked down to the letter in her hand and exhaled with a defeated nod as to herself as she convinced herself to knock.

 

She took what were literally 4 steps to her right and stood in front of apartment 1812, bringing her hand to knock 3 times lightly before letting it fall to her side once more.

 

The brunette heard the music pause, a soft shuffle of feet before the door opened and Lexa swallowed hard as she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

 

She tilted her head very slightly to view the blonde haired, blue eyed girl in front of her that looked to be around the same age as her or maybe a little younger.

 

And although it was cold outside she was only wearing a shirt and shorts with her hair tied back in a messy ponytail that sat loosely on the back of her head.

 

“Hi?” Clarke said with just as much confusion as Lexa just for the way she was being looked at by the brunette

 

“You’re a girl?” Lexa said raising an eyebrow slowly

 

“I believe so” Clarke nodded “While you do look familiar, can I ask why you are outside of my apartment stating my gender?”

 

“I live next door” Lexa said as she held out the envelope in front of her for the other girl to take “And I keep getting your mail”

 

“You’re the one who keeps slipping it under my door?”

 

“That would be me” Lexa replied “You might want to check that your mail is addressed to the right apartment or try to catch the mailman though he’s clearly very unresponsive”

 

“Thank you for that” Clarke nodded as she took the envelope slowly with a small smile “I wasn’t sure if anyone actually lived next door”

 

“I thought the same” Lexa nodded “I’m Lexa by the way”

 

“You do look familiar though and I haven’t seen you in the building” Clarke replied as she brought her hand to her chin in thought “Where have I seen you?”

 

“I don’t know” Lexa said backing away slightly

 

“Do you go to NYU?”

 

“Yeah, I’m in law school” Lexa replied “I haven’t seen you around”

 

“You might have”

 

“I would remember” Lexa said aloud as she caught herself off guard “I mean I would remember if I saw you because you’re my neighbour obviously”

 

“I’m studying graphic design at the moment” Clarke nodded “I work at a coffee shop just off campus too so I think I’ve seen you somewhere”

 

“Which reminds me, I need to get changed for work” Lexa furrowed her eyebrows as she took another step away towards her door that still had the keys hanging from the door handle

 

“Well thank you for getting my mail for me” Clarke replied with a small smile “Next time feel free to just throw it away because it’s probably a bill or jury duty, no one sends me mail”

 

“Right” Lexa nodded

 

“Wait, before you go” Clarke said as she took a step out towards the hallway when Lexa placed her hand on her door handle to go inside “Why did you kind of ask if I was a girl when you opened the door? It's just that people don't usually show up to my door to guess my gender”

 

“Oh, I just had it in my head that because your name was Clarke that you were probably a guy” Lexa shook her head awkwardly “Sorry”

 

“It’s not the first time and I’m not offended” Clarke laughed as she waved her off

 

“And weirdly I kind of pictured someone like Superman if you were a guy” Lexa added as she questioned in her own mind as to why she was even elaborating “Which is stupid but proves my ignorance I guess…I have to go”

 

“I definitely don’t look like Clark Kent” Clarke chuckled

 

“Okay, goodbye” Lexa replied stiffly without even looking towards Clarke again before she pushed her door open quickly and shut it quietly behind her

 

Lexa stood by her door with wide eyes.

 

Lexa was the definition of composed; hardly anything in life could make her bat an eyelid but she didn’t recognize the girl she had been out in the hallway.

 

Granted Lexa had been known to be a sucker for a cute girl at times, she had never acted like a complete idiot in front of anyone except maybe her few friends only a handful of occasions.

 

She hardly talked to anyone enough for them to even have that thought that she was awkward cross their mind.

 

She had also only met Clarke and she had officially become the person she had spoken to most in the building besides Gustus, which she supposed didn’t really reflect on anything else but her poor social skills.

 

The brunette heard the music start once more through the paper thin walls and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Clarke was doing.

 

It didn’t matter though because Lexa had to get changed and go to her shift at Grounders Bookstore as time was starting to get away from her.

 

\---

 

It was a quiet shift and Lexa had kind of expected that as she sorted through some new release books to place up on the shelves.

 

She sighed as she read the back of the newest young adult fictional, rolling her eyes at the predictable plot of the story.

 

Girl meets mysterious boy who is hiding a secret, girl finds out secret and finds herself in trouble only be rescued by the mysterious boy.

 

“You look happy” She heard a very familiar voice from behind her say

 

Lexa’s mouth twitched with a smile as she turned around to see her best friend Anya standing in front of her with her arms folded, leaning back on a shelve casually.

 

“Well some of these books are a complete waste of space” Lexa replied with a shrug “I didn’t know you were in today”

 

“I’m not but I just wanted to drop by” Anya replied “Plus my Mom and Dad probably want to say hi seeing as I haven’t visited them in a few days”

 

Lexa had met Anya when she first started her job at Grounders Book Store.

 

It was a small yet popular bookstore owned by Anya’s parents who were also friends with Gustus, so they really helped Lexa out by giving her a job when she left the foster system.

 

Anya’s family had almost become like her own, or as close to a family as she had ever known.

 

The older girl had really taken Lexa under her wing, which Lexa appreciated to no end, but Anya was definitely a lot more outgoing than her.

 

She was a freelance writer herself, trying to break into journalism having only just finished her degree but she kept her shifts at the bookstore to help her parents out.

 

“They’re out the back” Lexa nodded

 

“So I’m going out tonight” Anya smirked “Feel like coming?”

 

“I can’t” Lexa shook her head “I have to study”

 

“You always have to study. You couldn’t come out during the summer because of that internship and now all you do is study” Anya groaned out of frustration “You should come out. Give yourself a break, it’s Thursday night after all”

 

“Some of us have a scholarship and grade average to keep” Lexa smirked “Besides; you know it’s not my scene anyway”

 

“Your scene is your apartment” Anya groaned “You can’t stay in there forever”

 

“I’m hardly in my apartment for it to be my scene between work and school” Lexa shook her head “Maybe another time”

 

“You know Costia is coming out tonight” Anya baited her friend before she sighed extravagantly “But I guess I will just tell her that you didn’t want to see her”

 

“There is nothing going on between Costia and I” Lexa replied flatly “She’s not even my type”

 

Costia and Lexa had a brief history and although Lexa didn’t really see the other girl that much, she was definitely one of those people that she trusted.

 

Costia experienced an upbringing similar to her own so they had an understanding between each other but Costia was always a good friend to Lexa.

 

She was there to listen whenever Lexa needed.

 

That wasn’t the only understanding that they had though, it wasn’t one that Lexa was all that proud of but it was something that kind of just had just happened.

 

“Beautiful isn’t your type?” Anya raised her eyebrows “You guys are my best friends, it would be so perfect”

 

“She’s dramatic and high maintenance” Lexa rebutted “Besides, you know that I don’t do relationships”

 

“Which is stupid and I don’t know why you refuse to let yourself be happy” Anya grumbled shaking her head “If she is so dramatic and high maintenance, why did you sleep with her?”

 

“Anya you can’t just announce that to the world while I’m working” Lexa scolded taking a step into her friend as she looked around the almost empty store “And it has only happened twice, we both understand that if it happens there are not attachments and it’s just sex. It’s been a long time since that has happened anyway because we've both grown up”

 

“So you’re not coming out with me tonight?” Anya groaned

 

“No” Lexa replied simply “Maybe another time when I don’t have 5 huge case studies due in the next 7 days”

 

“I’ll remember that” Anya warned as she began walking towards the back of the store “I should actually go say hi”

 

“You should” Lexa nodded “Some of us are trying to work”

 

“Someone has to around here” Anya called back jokingly as Lexa turned back to the trolley of new books she was trying to stack with a shake of her head but a smile on her face

 

\---

 

The next 7 days were beyond hectic for Lexa between classes, case studies and work.

 

She was extremely tired and a more than a little grumpy because of that fact but she just had to push through.

 

While she was almost ready to submit her last case study and be done with it, she found herself stuck in a bit of a mental rut for some reason.

 

Anya insisted it was because she was working herself into the ground and although Lexa secretly agreed with her she wasn’t going to let her know that.

 

She couldn’t stop working because that just wasn’t an option seeing as she only had a few hours to submit the last of her work but she decided after class instead of going back to her apartment, she would go to one of her favourite coffee shops just off campus to see if that could produce some focus.

 

She had been typing for a few hours before she bothered to take her head out of her work, satisfied that she had completed what she needed to do and was only left to submit her work by the deadline.

 

It was warm and quiet inside the store so she found herself curled up in a booth with her laptop in front of her on the table while leaning her head up to rest against the wall.

 

A deep yawn took over her body, which she hadn’t expected and she let her heavy eyelids close for a moment as she curled herself further into the warmth of her own body.

 

“Lexa” She heard her name being called quietly “Lexa”

 

Lexa opened her eyes slowly, her eyes adjusting to the lights that were now on inside the now empty café.

 

She saw her newly discovered neighbour with a small smile on her face, tray in hand and a cloth over her shoulder.

 

It was only the 4th time Lexa had seen the blonde since she had met her a week ago.

 

They had passed once when she was coming and Clarke was going from their apartments, another time when Clarke was standing in the hallway talking to an elderly man and the last when Clarke was waiting for the elevator in the lobby as she came from the stairs.

 

Lexa rubbed her eyes tiredly before they met Clarke’s once more, who was still patiently standing in front of her with an amused grin.

 

“I know you aren’t homeless so I kind of wonder why you are sleeping here”

 

“I wasn’t actually asleep was I?” Lexa asked with wide eyes before turning to look out at the dark street outside “I literally just thought I closed my eyes for a minute. What time is it? How long have I been asleep for?”

 

“It’s almost 9 and you have been asleep for an hour and a half” Clarke nodded “But you looked like you needed it and you looked really peaceful so I kind of just left you”

 

“Oh my god, no” Lexa groaned as she hit the power button on her laptop aggressively only to have it fail due to its dead battery

 

She looked at the clock behind Clarke’s head on the wall of the café, it was 8:55pm and her deadline for this case study was to have it emailed to her professor by 9pm.

 

Lexa was an exemplary student, she had never submitted anything late and that was because she couldn’t afford to fail or let anything drop.

 

The brunette made a quick calculation in her head; she wasn’t going to make it back in time to her apartment and that day she had forgotten to pack her charger into her laptop bag.

 

 Murphy’s law of course and typical for that to happen to Lexa.

 

“You okay?” Clarke asked raising an eyebrow

 

“I have a case study that needs to be submitted in 5 minutes and my laptop is dead” Lexa said closing her laptop with a frustrated sigh “It’s dead, I don’t have a charger and I can’t make it back home to email it in time”

 

“Do you have it saved on a flash drive or something?”

 

“Yeah” Lexa said pulling it out from the side of her computer “But that doesn’t really help me”

 

“Use my laptop” Clarke said with a shrug and a shake of the head “I’ll be back in a second”

 

Lexa could just watch on as Clarke hurried behind the counter to enter what she imagined was a staff room only to emerge seconds later with her macbook in her hands, rushing to push Lexa aside slightly in the booth and put the laptop in front of the brunette.

 

She quickly entered her password, opening her internet browser and pushing the silver laptop towards the other girl before looking at her expectantly.

 

“Well you have 4 minutes so I suggest you get sending if you want to make it by 9” Clarke said nudging Lexa gently

 

Lexa paused only for a second, usually she would have moved when someone got into her personal space like Clarke was but she felt at ease with the other girl next to her.

 

Lexa knew that Clarke was helping her; she wasn’t sure why exactly but even though she was helping her she still would have usually moved away very quickly.

 

She shook that from her mind as she opened up her email and quickly placed her flash drive into the laptop.

 

Clarke moved away from the booth as soon as Lexa started typing her email, going back to what she had been doing before she woke the brunette up.

 

Lexa’s eyes glanced to the time on her laptop as she finally pressed send on the email.

 

8:58pm

 

She had made the deadline and the only reason she had made that deadline was because of the girl who was turning the closed sign around at the front of the café.

 

“It’s not 9 yet” Lexa observed quietly as her eyes intently watched Clarke locking the door quietly

 

“No one was going to come in for 2 minutes” Clarke said “And you’ve been on your own in here for 20 minutes”

 

“You just let me sleep?” Lexa asked shaking her head

 

“I’m the only one on shift and considering I kind of know who you are, I figured I would let you get away with it” Clarke replied with a smile appearing on the corner of her lips “Well I know _of_ you anyway”

 

“Thank you for letting me use your laptop” Lexa shook her head once more “You actually saved my life”

 

“You’re welcome” Clarke nodded, approaching the booth to close her laptop and tuck it under her arm “Are you done sleeping because I kind of want to get out of here”

 

“I’m done” Lexa replied, surprising herself as a chuckle left her mouth “No more sleeping in coffee shops for me”

 

She quickly packed her own laptop bag, standing from the booth as Clarke disappeared once more into the staff room to appear momentarily again with her own bag over her shoulder wearing a coat and a beanie, preparing herself for the cold.

 

“Are you headed back to the apartment building?” Clarke asked, settling her beanie over her ears and pulling a set of keys from her pocket

 

“Yeah, you?”

 

“I am” Clarke replied with a nod as Lexa followed the blonde’s lead and exited the coffee shop into the cold night “Do you mind if we walk together?”

 

“Well we are going the same place” Lexa said with a nod and a small smile, pulling the hood of her thick coat over her head and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear “We live on the same floor next to each other”

 

“I know but I just know you don’t really like to talk much” Clarke reasoned as she locked the door from the outside before tucking her hands in her pockets

 

“We don’t have to talk to walk together” Lexa said quickly as she glanced to the blonde

 

Clarke nodded politely with a small smile, pulling her phone from her other pocket and scrolling through a social media feed for a few minutes.

 

Lexa mentally kicked herself; Clarke was only being polite and nice to her when she really didn’t have to be but all Lexa could do was respond to her like that.

 

She didn’t know whether she felt like she owed the other girl or whether she genuinely actually wanted to talk to her but she pushed herself to elaborate.

 

“Not that I don’t want to talk to you or anything” Lexa closed her eyes tightly before opening them again, looking towards the blonde once more to see she had instantaneously gained her attention back “I just am more of a silent type”

 

“It’s okay” Clarke shrugged “I’ve definitely noticed that”

 

“You have?”

 

“Well we’ve passed each other a few times and when I’ve said hi you kind of just nodded”

 

“I’m sorry” Lexa groaned “I promise I’m not actually horrible. I just tend to stick to myself”

 

“it’s okay” Clarke chuckled as she repeated her earlier acceptance “You don’t need to explain”

 

“Thanks” Lexa smiled, feeling her nose tingle against the cold wind

 

“You do have a bed though, right?” Clarke asked “Because I’m not convinced you actually sleep in your apartment”

 

“Why do you say that?” Lexa questioned

 

“Because you can hear everything going on in the apartments next to you and not that I listen our for it or anything but I never hear you come and go” Clarke replied “I hardly ever hear a sound come from your apartment”

 

“I’m in and out all the time and I usually just watch things with my headphones on if I am home” Lexa shrugged “Though I just remembered that do need to ask you something”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“When I brought you mail and you were wearing shorts when it’s freezing outside and listening to music” Lexa began “What were you doing? Running a marathon around your apartment?”

 

“Yoga” Clarke laughed but answered simply “I can see why it would have looked weird”

 

“Oh cool” Lexa said with a small smile

 

“So you are in and out of your apartment doing what?” Clarke asked before she joked “Are you a drug dealer coming in and out at weird hours? Is that why I don’t hear you”

 

“I wish because I would have drug money” Lexa mumbled before looking at Clarke with wide eyes “Which is totally a joke, I’m totally kidding”

 

“I knew it” Clarke smiled brightly, her eyes beaming as the smile grew by the second

 

Lexa caught herself staring for a moment before tearing her gaze away from the other girl to land on the footpath in front of her.

 

“I’m going to have to shoot you now” Lexa said in an over dramatic tone “But I did just send an email from your computer and I’m sure someone could place me at the coffee shop tonight so it’s probably best if I don’t”

 

“So my guess is that you’re studying criminal law?”

 

“No actually, family law” Lexa nodded as she stuffed her hands in her pockets

 

“Intense” Clarke replied simply

 

“Just with work and school at the moment I don’t have a lot of free time so I find myself running around trying to get things done at weird times” Lexa shrugged whilst trying to explain “And when I do have a little free time, I apparently spend it sleeping in coffee shops”

 

“I completely get it” Clarke nodded “I understand”

 

“I’m in my last year of law school so things are pretty busy” Lexa shrugged “You said you’re studying graphic design?”

 

“Yeah I’ve got 2 more years” Clarke replied “Unless I change my mind and switch to something else but oddly I quite like it. It gives me a creative outlet but it’s also something that holds my attention”

 

“Thank you for letting me borrow your laptop” Lexa said quietly after a moment passed between them as they waited for a car to pass before they could cross the road

 

“That was a huge case study and I would have been screwed if I didn’t send that through by the deadline. My professor is a real hard ass”

 

“No problem” Clarke nodded “I mean what are neighbours for right?”

 

“I guess” Lexa smiled “Don’t come asking for a cup of sugar though because I don’t have any”

 

“Noted” Clarke laughed quietly as they reached their apartment building “No sugar”

 

Lexa reached out to open the door to enter but she paused, holding the door for Clarke to enter first.

 

Clarke muttered a quick thank you before Lexa followed her inside the building, as per usual the heat inside the building causing her to shake her hood off immediately before running a hand through her hair.

 

They both moved to the lobby area of their building and Lexa moved towards the stairwell, which earned a confused hum from the other girl.

 

“You’re not literally going to go up 18 flights of stairs are you?” Clarke asked in a perplexed tone as she stood in front of the already waiting elevator “I can wait for the next one if you want”

 

“No” Lexa said realizing just how petty she was being and walked to where Clarke was standing “It’s more of a habit than anything”

 

“I’ve seen you come from the stairwell a few times” Clarke nodded “Do you have a fear of elevators?”

 

“No” Lexa said simply without bothering to expand “That’s not it”

 

They soon reached the 18th floor and Lexa placed her key inside her door, unlocking it wordlessly as Clarke did the same.

 

“Well, thanks again” Lexa said with a small smile, looking towards the blonde “I owe you”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind” Clarke replied jokingly

 

“I’ll try and make some noise while I walk around my apartment from now on” Lexa offered playfully “I’ll drop something or fall over on purpose”

 

“At least I’ll know you’re alive” Clarke countered quickly as she leaned against her door, exhaling quietly “Maybe throw a shoe at the wall on occasion”

 

“Yeah, I might do that” Lexa nodded with a grin expanding on her features “Goodnight, Clarke”

 

“Night Lexa, thanks for walking me home” Clarke smiled as she pushed her door open, giving Lexa one last nod before she closed the door behind her.

 

Lexa just stayed in front of her door, looking down the now empty hallway where Clarke had been a moment ago.

 

Why this girl could get conversation out of her that wasn’t painful and that she actually enjoyed, she had no idea.

 

She was a little freaked out though that someone like that could so quickly find herself in Lexa’s world.

 

Lexa didn’t trust her, not by a long shot yet but she didn’t know the girl.

 

But she could see herself wanting to get to know the blonde and that’s what confused her.

 

She had only really just had her first conversation with the other girl and already she found herself wanting more.

 

She felt the foreign feeling of butterflies in her stomach as the began to move and she silently told them to stop before she pushed her way into her apartment and locking the door behind her.

 

The thoughts of the girl who had lived next door for only 4 weeks now stuck in her mind as those butterflies began to stir again.

 

The voice of reason echoing in her head.

 

Don’t be stupid Lexa.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love and for sticking with me! 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter too, let me know what you think :)

It was Friday night and Lexa was sitting on her couch, glasses resting on the top of her head with her text book on one knee, her notebook on the other as she vigorously copied down a sample case study and into her study notes.

 

She crinkled her eyebrows in concentration, placing her blue pen behind her ear and replacing it with the red that had been behind the other ear.

 

It had been 2 entire weeks since the night that Lexa had borrowed Clarke’s laptop at the coffee shop.

 

Things had been a little different since then though, she had seen Clarke multiple times and she had managed to talk to her all but the one time when the blonde had been on the phone.

 

She managed a smile and a wave though which was eagerly returned by her neighbour as she waited by the elevator.

 

It was the the first time she was actually making an effort with anyone in her building.

 

The blonde had been nothing but nice to her and Clarke deserved the respect of Lexa to try and do the same for her.

 

Lexa could hear music playing next door in Clarke’s apartment, figuring that Clarke was expecting company that night.

 

It wasn’t loud but she could hear it clearly just because of the walls, it didn’t bother her though, which surprised her.

 

The music had been playing for a few hours and she was comforted by the fact that she could indeed hear activity around her that didn’t irritate her.

 

That way she could almost live vicariously through someone who did have plans rather than actually having to go out herself.

 

Anya had invited her to a group hang out but she really needed to get her study done.

 

More to the point she didn’t particularly feel like going to the bar they had chosen because every time she went, she’d just get hit on by drunk men and end up leaving early anyway.

 

Lexa compromised though, agreeing to go out the next time Anya wanted to as long as it was a quieter bar and Anya leapt at the chance to remind her of that a few times over the phone.

 

She scratched her scalp lightly with the pen in her hand as she read along with her text book but she paused when she heard the music next door had stopped.

 

The next thing she heard was Clarke’s door close quietly before there was a soft knock on her door.

 

She sighed,  quickly placing the text book sitting on her lap next to the empty spot on the couch and took her notebook with her as she answered the door.

 

In front of her she found a smiling Clarke, two white plastic bags in her hands while she rocked back on her heels expectantly.

 

“Hi Clarke” Lexa greeted evenly “Can I help you?”

 

“What are you doing right now and are you hungry?” Clarke asked with raised eyebrows

 

“I’m in the middle of studying” Lexa said gesturing to the book in her right hand

 

“Well are you hungry?” Clarke asked

 

“I am a bit” Lexa nodded before narrowing her eyes slightly “Why?”

 

“Well my friends were supposed to come over to watch trashy TV and eat Chinese but they have apparently all abandoned me for a concert that I don’t want to go to so I thought if you weren’t doing anything I could share it with you” Clarke explained

 

“You don’t have to share it with me” Lexa shook her head

 

“I know that but the only other person I know in this building is Mr. Fuller on the 3rd floor and seeing as it’s 8 at night I would say he’s asleep” Clarke smirked

 

“Is that the old guy you are always talking to?”

 

“You don’t know who Mr. Fuller is?” Clarke questioned “You’ve lived here for a while now, right?”

 

“6 years” Lexa responded

 

“And you don’t know who Mr. Fuller is?”

 

“To be fair I don’t know who anyone is besides you” Lexa shook her head as she began to grow impatient before sighing loudly but thought she would oblige“So who is Mr. Fuller?”

 

“Just a guy who lives on the 3rd floor” Clarke chuckled “But he’s lived here for 20 years apparently”

 

“Wow, he’s a good guy to know” Lexa raised her eyebrows as she looked to the bags in Clarke’s hands “It would be a shame to let that food go to waste”

 

“I can just give you some and leave you alone to study if you want ” Clarke nodded “You can take whatever”

 

“No” Lexa replied as she felt her resolve slowly fading “Come in, it would be really rude for you to give me dinner and not eat with you”

 

“You don’t have to feel obliged” Clarke shook her head “I’m a big girl, I can handle it”

 

“I don’t feel obliged” Lexa said honestly “I could do with a break”

 

“Great” Clarke smiled as Lexa stepped aside so the girl could enter her apartment but she stopped as soon as she walked in “Do you actually live here?”

 

“I’m a bit of a neat freak” Lexa shrugged as she waited patiently for Clarke to take another step inside the apartment so she could close the door behind her

 

“No photos of your family or anything?” Clarke asked looking around

 

“No” Lexa replied quickly as she busied herself clearing her study notes and textbooks to one pile so she could make room for Clarke and the bags of food.

 

They settled quickly next to each other on Lexa’s floor, sitting with their legs under her coffee table and backs against her couch as they faced the TV.

 

Clarke opened every single box of Chinese food and handed Lexa a pair of chopsticks to start eating.

 

They ate quietly for the first few minutes, Lexa’s eyes firmly focused on the TV but she could see Clarke glancing at her from time to time in her peripheral vision.

 

Lexa stopped herself from smiling, she felt oddly comfortable with the girl sitting next to her and though it was a bit unnerving, it was almost fascinating at the same time.

 

“Why don’t you know anyone in the building if you have been here for 6 years?” Clarke asked breaking the silence between them “I mean you have to know _someone_ ”

 

“I just keep to myself” Lexa shook her head “I don’t have to make friends with people here if I don’t want to”

 

“No you don’t but 6 years isn’t a short amount of time for you to live here and not make at least one friend” Clarke challenged

 

“Well I know Gustus, he is my friend”

 

“But he’s your landlord” Clarke shook her head thoughtfully as she put the noodle box in her hand down and searched for a different one “You have to talk to him so that doesn’t count”

 

“But he still lives here and I don’t have to talk to him” Lexa countered “And you only know Mr. Fuller”

 

“No I have met a few people, plus I haven’t been here long” Clarke shook her head, glancing back towards other girl before looking at the table once more “I can’t figure you out though”

 

“There isn’t much to figure out” Lexa shook her head as she held out the pork buns that she had in her hand for Clarke “You’re looking for these?”

 

“Yeah but you keep them” Clarke nodded

 

“No it’s okay” Lexa shrugged as she shook them in front of Clarke to take

 

“I disagree; I think there’s probably more to figure out about you than I have time to figure out” Clarke replied taking the small box of pork buns “Thank you”

 

“Why do you want to know anyway?” Lexa questioned

 

“I’m a curious person” Clarke shrugged “And I liked puzzles”

 

“I’m not a puzzle” Lexa sighed while leaning forward to pick up another noodle box

 

“We’re neighbours and I don’t know much about you” Clarke shrugged once more “I mean I have been here for just over 6 weeks and all I know about you is that you’re studying family law at NYU and you fall asleep in coffee shops”

 

“That was once” Lexa replied “And honestly you probably know more than most people do”

 

“Remember how you said you owed me for letting you use my laptop?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows

 

“Yes” Lexa swallowed thickly before speaking again “I do”

 

“So I want to cash in” Clarke replied confidently “I want you to answer some questions I have about you”

 

“3 questions” Lexa said after a moment of contemplation “I got some good results back today, you did let me use your computer plus you did just bring me dinner so I will give you 3 questions and that’s it”

 

“So I can ask 3 questions?” Clarke’s grin widened

 

“Yeah but you have to be willing to answer these questions yourself too” Lexa added

 

“Deal” Clarke replied nodding “How old are you?”

 

“24” Lexa responded “You?”

 

“I’m 23” Clarke answered 

 

“You used that cheaply” Lexa poked mockingly “That was an easy one”

 

“So if you have been here for 6 years then you were 18 when you moved in here?” Clarke asked as she connected a few dots in her mind

 

“Is that your question?”

 

“No, that’s more of an observation I guess” Clarke shrugged “If you moved in here when you were 18, where are your family?”

 

“I don’t have any” Lexa said simply, deciding that if she was going to answer these questions she may as well answer them honestly

 

“You said you would answer three questions” Clarke replied

 

“I was taken to a foster home when I was four. I don’t remember my parents, or why exactly I was dropped there but I have had no contact with anyone from my biological family and I moved between foster homes pretty much my whole life” Lexa explained mechanically “So when I was 18 and legally an adult I left the foster system and moved here. Gustus was the first person to give me a chance so I stayed”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah” Lexa replied calmly

 

“Wow, I’m sorry Lexa” Clarke shook her head “I had no idea”

 

“I’ve had a complicated start to life but I’ve done well for myself since” Lexa waved her off “I know you’re not from New York so where are you from? Where is your family based?”

 

“I’m from Middleton in Ohio, I moved to New York when I started college”

 

“I should have guessed that” Lexa smiled “And your family is there?”

 

“Yeah they still live here”

 

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Lexa asked “What do your parents do?”

 

“Why do you want to know?” Clarke asked cocking an eyebrow

 

“Well you’d ask me these follow up questions if I could answer them” Lexa replied lightly

 

“I’m the only child” Clarke replied “My dad got really sick in my senior year of high school and passed away but he was a police officer. My mom is in politics, she’s actually Middleton’s longest serving Mayor currently”

 

“I’m sorry about your dad” Lexa offered cautiously

 

“Thanks” Clarke smiled sadly

 

“So you’re the first daughter of Middleton then?” Lexa said as she leaned further back into her couch

 

“I guess so” Clarke laughed “But I really found my home when I moved out here to New York. This is definitely where I am supposed to be”

 

“Did you live around here before you moved into this building?” Lexa asked

 

“I still haven’t asked you the third question yet” Clarke put down the pork buns and her chopsticks on the table “I lived maybe about 6 blocks from here, my old roommate moved in with her boyfriend so I had to find a new place and here I am”

 

“Here you are” Lexa nodded

 

“Where do you work?” Clarke asked “That’s my official last question used”

 

“Gustus got me a job at Grounders Book Store when I first moved in here which you have to walk past to get to school” Lexa replied “My friend Anya’s parents own it so I guess they’ve kind of become like a family to me. I’m on an academic scholarship so long as I keep my grades up I don’t need to worry about that at least”

 

“So you do have friends” Clarke nodded

 

“Believe it or not, I do” Lexa replied

 

“Are you as quiet with them as you are everyone else?”

 

“No” Lexa shook her head “I don’t really trust people but I do trust my friends”

 

“You realize you just answered fourth question right?” Clarke asked smirking

 

“Yeah but I got the big elephant in the room out of the way after the second question” Lexa shrugged “Which I don’t ever tell anyone”

 

“Can I ask a follow up question to my third one?” Clarke asked with a hopeful tone

 

“Sure” Lexa nodded, moving to face the blonde with her elbow resting on the couch and her hand under her chin “Why not”

 

“If you work in a bookstore, what is your favourite book?” Clarke asked

 

“Easy” Lexa grinned “The Art of War by Sun Tzu”

 

“The Art of War is your favourite book?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows and leaning forward slightly “If that was the only book you could ever read again, you would pick that?”

 

“It’s valuable” Lexa shrugged “It teaches very valuable life lessons and it’s helped me through whatever situation I needed to face. I’ve had to fight for everything I have”

 

“You have obviously done very well for yourself living in a decent apartment; in your last year of law school” Clarke shook her head “I mean that’s pretty incredible”

 

“Well Gustus has helped me out a lot and so has Anya. I don’t know where I would be if they weren’t around” Lexa replied “I just don’t see any point in making excuses for myself because of how I’ve grown up and what I have or have not been given in life”

 

Clarke smiled once more, running a hand through her hair and Lexa swallowed thickly as she looked at the girl in front of her.

 

A sudden sense of nervousnes took over her suddenly.

 

There was something within Clarke that made it very easy to talk to her, evidently by what she had told her that night and how she easily approached her neighbour every time.

 

Which was something she hadn’t felt in a little while.

 

\---

 

Lexa sat on the floor towards the back of the quiet bookstore a few days later; her shift was almost up before she was going to her apartment to finish yet another case study she had been tasked with.

 

She was labeling new books with price tags as they sat all around her in piles of genres after just having arrived to the store.

 

It was a job that no one liked doing but she didn’t mind at all if it meant she could switch her brain off for just a little while as she repeated the mindless task.

 

It was Monday of Thanksgiving week, which didn’t really mean much to Lexa seeing as she didn’t really have anyone to spend it with but she knew Anya would ask her as per usual to spend it with her family and she was grateful for that.

 

What it really meant to Lexa though was that she had 4 days off in a row from school, which was a break that she really needed.

 

After Friday night, Lexa had seen Clarke a few times each day over the weekend whether it had been in passing or on purpose but she found herself the previous day in the coffee shop studying as Clarke worked.

 

Clarke seemed happy to see her when Lexa arrived with her laptop, charger and a few textbooks.

 

She set herself up on the same booth she had fallen asleep in, working hard but finding the time to steal glances of her blonde neighbor while she tended to the busy coffee shop.

 

Lexa stayed until Clarke closed up again and they walked home together once more, Lexa actually enjoying Clarke’s company every step of the way.

 

What Lexa enjoyed the most though was that her neighbour didn’t seem to judge her or feel pity for her after what she had just admitted but she got respect from Clarke and that was all she wanted.

 

Clarke had somewhat of a gravitational pull that she found herself fighting but Lexa was well caught up in her orbit.

 

She heard the bell chime softly on the door at the front, leaning forward in her position to catch a glimpse of the blonde looking around for a moment before she caught sight of Lexa sitting on the floor.

 

“So this is what you do when you work?” Clarke asked as she walked towards Lexa, passing through bookshelves “Just sit around?”

 

“What are you doing here?” Lexa asked jumping to her feet almost immediately

 

“Well you’ve been to my work and I always walk past here after class so I thought I would see what the Grounders Book Store had to offer” Clarke shrugged with a small smile, running her fingers over a book spine in front of her “This place is pretty cool”

 

“It’s a little tucked away but it’s fine” Lexa nodded “Are you just coming from class?”

 

“Yeah, just passing through” Clarke replied “I’ve got a group presentation to start my part on when I get back to my apartment so I’m kind of procrastinating”

 

“Procrastination doesn’t help anyone” Lexa reprimanded jokingly

 

“Are you almost finished your shift?”

 

“Yeah I only have like an hour left” Lexa shrugged “Why?”

 

“Just wondering if I will hear any loud studying when you get back” Clarke raised her eyebrows quickly with a smile “You doing much for Thanksgiving?”

 

“I’ll probably spend it with Anya and her family if they ask me” Lexa shrugged “No big plans though. Are you going home for the weekend?”

 

“No actually, my Mom has a little time off so she is coming here on Friday” Clarke answered, picking up a book from the shelve and looking nonchalantly at the cover

 

“Oh wow, the Mayor is coming?” Lexa asked jokingly

 

Lexa’s smile grew standing awkwardly between bookshelves as she was rewarded with the sound of genuine laughter leaving the blonde’s body, a sound that Lexa had secretly come to enjoy.

 

“The Mayor of Middleton is coming” Clarke grinned “I’m going home for Christmas so she thought she would come out here for the weekend. Which means I need to really give my apartment a good clean, maybe we can swap apartments for the weekend so she can think I’m the neat freak”

 

“Well if you have to clean as much as you say you do, I don’t know if she will believe you” Lexa replied

 

“She definitely wouldn’t” Clarke chuckled “But I’ll probably spend actual Thanksgiving with my friends and their family”

 

“Sounds nice” Lexa nodded

 

“I love my Mom but she’s a little bit of a control freak so I know she is just coming out to make sure everything’s okay and she’ll use the first excuse she can find to get me back in Ohio” Clarke sighed quietly “But you are working and you certainly don’t need to hear about that”

 

“It’s okay” Lexa said with a small smile

 

Lexa found herself looking into Clarke’s eyes for just a second too long, not even realizing that their eyes were still locked a few beats after she had spoken last.

 

She quickly looked down to her feet, wiggling her toes in her black boots and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

 

She was stuck in Clarke’s orbit all right and it worried her to no end that she wasn’t bothered at all by it.

 

“Lexa I need to know whether you’re…oh” Anya paused as she came from out the back of the store, looking between a very awkward looking Lexa and a politely smiling Clarke “I didn’t know you were with a customer”

 

“Well I guess I’m not really a customer” Clarke shrugged before looking back to Lexa “I’ll leave you to it”

 

“Okay” Lexa replied simply with a nod

 

“Cya Lexa” Clarke smiled once more and not a moment later she turned around and left as quickly as she had appeared

 

“So who was the hot blonde visiting you and why am I only just finding out about her?” Anya asked raising her eyebrows

 

“She lives next door to me” Lexa shrugged

 

“She’s the girl who’s mail you keep getting?” Anya asked

 

“Yeah” Lexa nodded, shrugging casually “She’s cool”

 

“You were looking at her with puppy dog eyes or something” Anya smirked “And you don’t think _anyone_ is cool”

 

“I was not” Lexa snapped with a frown

 

“So why was she here?”

 

“No particular reason” Lexa shook her head “Did you come out here to ask me something? Or are you just going to keep asking me about Clarke?”

 

“Thanksgiving, are you spending it with my family again?” Anya asked with her hands on her hips

 

“If that’s okay” Lexa replied

 

“Of course it is” Anya answered with a small smile “You know it makes sense why you have been spending so much time at your apartment studying now”

 

“What, you’ve finally realized that I’m on an academic scholarship meaning I have to keep my grades up and actually study?” Lexa scoffed

 

“Why didn’t you tell me about her?” Anya questioned ignoring Lexa’s snarky response

 

“There’s nothing to tell you about, we live next to each other, I’ve gotten her mail a few times and that’s it” Lexa shook her head “That’s as far as it goes”

 

“If you say so” Anya rolled her eyes

 

“I do” Lexa replied “So if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to just finish labeling these books”

 

“Go ahead” Anya smirked with a nod

 

Lexa knew that smirk; Anya thought she could see right through her.

 

Anya knew Lexa more than anyone in the world; she knew everything about the younger girl so she knew when Lexa was trying to hide something.

 

What Anya didn’t understand though was why Lexa was never willing to take a chance on _anyone_.

 

Lexa wasn’t emotionally void by any stretch, she just pretended she absolutely was and Lexa herself knew that she hid her feelings very well when she needed to.

 

But she was at risk of leaving herself exposed.

 

All thanks to the girl in apartment 1812.

 

\---

 

Lexa stayed back a few extra hours to help out Anya with some banking that needed to be done, figuring that she could spare a couple of hours for her best friend even though she did have things to do.

 

She walked directly to her mail locker once she entered her apartment complex, grumbling to herself as she flipped through the 6 out of the 7 envelopes that were all addressed Clarke Griffin.

 

She still didn’t really understand why the mailman couldn’t seem to place them in the right mail locker but at least it wasn’t someone’s mail that she didn’t know.

 

Meaning at least it wasn’t anyone else’s but Clarke’s.

 

Clarke’s influence on her had only been positive over the past few weeks; Lexa had found herself a little more cheerful as she approached situations in her everyday life.

 

She even found herself waiting for the elevator in the lobby before a group of young students joined her as they waited.

 

Lexa wasn’t sure what she was doing as she stepped inside, pressing 18 and waiting somewhat patiently for the giggling school girls to press their floors.

 

She didn’t know why she stayed there when normally she would have just gone to the stairs and be done with it.

 

Something felt uneasy inside her as she made this realization that maybe Clarke Griffin was getting under her skin a little more than even she comprehended.

 

She stood awkwardly at the back, squashing herself tightly into the corner and waiting for the slow elevator to finally reach her floor before pushing politely yet silently through the group.

 

Once the doors closed behind her she sighed, shaking her head slightly and approaching Clarke’s apartment.

 

She raised her hand to knock on her door but paused when she heard Clarke talking to someone very quickly with a raised voice.

 

It became very evident that she was talking on the phone when Lexa couldn’t hear a response in the room but only heard Clarke talking again after a short pause.

 

She was just about to step away from the door when it opened in front of her, Clarke clearly not expecting anyone to be there jumped out of surprise.

 

Her eyes were angry, then they were wide and then Lexa saw her visibly relax slightly when she saw the law student in front of her.

 

“I hope you haven’t been standing there long” Clarke replied raising her eyebrows as she closed her apartment door behind her and pulling her coat over her shoulders

 

“I just got here” Lexa shook her head “And I couldn’t hear anything that was actually being said but your tone was pretty angry”

 

“Was I that loud?” The blonde asked with a sigh and a slight shake of her head

 

“No” Lexa offered simply “Well maybe, it doesn’t help how thin the walls are. I mean I think your friend Mr. Fuller might have heard you but I don’t think anyone past the 3rd floor would have heard you”

 

“If Mr. Fuller heard me then the whole block would have heard me” Clarke replied with a tiny smirk “He has hearing aides and you’d know that if you ever actually talked to him”

 

“I guess I would” Lexa shrugged “Is everything okay?”

 

“Fine” Clarke said with a faint smile “Did you only just leave work?”

 

“Yeah” Lexa replied, her eyes stealing a glance at Clarke’s lips as the other girl pursed them quickly

 

“I was just heading out” Clarke noted “I’m late to go meet up with my friend and she might kill me for it seeing as I’m making her leave her boyfriend”

 

“Your mail was in my locker again” Lexa waved the stack of envelopes in her hand before holding it out in front of her “I think I need to put a sign on my mail locker or something”

 

“Thank you” Clarke replied as she reached out to take the mail from Lexa’s hands, their fingers brushing ever so slightly as the brunette released the envelopes from her grasp “What are you going to put on your sign?”

 

“No Clarke Griffin Mail” Lexa smiled to herself at her own admission

 

“Yeah but who knows where else it could end up” Clarke replied jokingly as she flipped through her letters “Remember how I said you could just throw these out?”

 

“I don’t think bills work like that”

 

“I’ve told the mail guy that I live in 1812” Clarke shrugged, leaning back on her door “I’m kind of at a loss as to why he keeps putting it in your locker”

 

“Maybe you did something to annoy him” Lexa paused “More than likely though I have done something to annoy him. I think he’s just having fun with it now”

 

“Maybe it was both of us” Clarke shrugged once more “You home tonight?”

 

“Yeah I have work to get done”

 

“Are you even going to take any time off over Thanksgiving?” Clarke asked shaking her head

 

“If I get everything I need to done, yes” Lexa nodded

 

“Well I might need to hide out in your apartment for an hour or two while my Mom is here so I can just pretend I’m not home or something” Clarke joked “She’ll probably get bored in her hotel room and come knocking my door down”

 

“She’s not staying in your apartment?” Lexa asked

 

“She didn’t want to intrude on my space” Clarke chuckled “But I think it’s because she’s seen photos of the size of the apartment or possibly the state of it”

 

“So I guess you definitely do need to do some cleaning then” The brunette grinned with a shake of her head “It can’t be that bad”

 

“It’s not” Clarke agreed “Though you’ve never actually been inside my apartment”

 

“Yeah but I don’t imagine it’s any different to the one I live in next door”

 

“Besides the compulsive neatness, it’s pretty similar” Clarke replied

 

“Yeah okay” Lexa waved the blonde off dismissively

 

“That’s who I was arguing with though on the phone, she tried to get me to come home for Thanksgiving just one more time” Clarke admitted with a quick roll of her eyes

 

“She doesn’t want to come to New York?”

 

“No she just wants me to come back to Ohio now” Clarke replied “She is proud of me for being here but she goes through phases where she kind of freaks out”

 

“Why does she do that?” Lexa asked taking the tiniest steps forward, unsure as to how she managed to push herself to ask the question “You said she was a control freak?”

 

“Since my dad died she’s just been super protective of me” Clarke shrugged before she exhaled slowly “She just wants us to be a family, which we completely are, but she doesn’t understand that it was one of the reasons why I wanted to get out of Middleton”

 

“That she wants you to be a family?” Lexa raised an eyebrow questionably

 

“No I love my mom but I love it here and I’ve started building a life for myself here” Clarke nodded “Ever since my dad died she just wants to know I’m okay at all times but he died in Middleton and we were really close. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could because everything there just reminds me of him”

 

“I’m sorry” Lexa said quietly, knowing that was exactly why she was happy not to have many attachments with people to feel that kind of hurt

 

“But again, you probably don’t want to hear about that” Clarke shook her head quickly “Sorry, for some reason I just want to tell you stuff and I can guarantee you don’t want to hear it”

 

“It’s okay” Lexa shrugged “You should probably get going though and I should go and actually do my study”

 

“Yeah Octavia is going to kill me for being late” Clarke nodded before pausing

 

“Okay” Lexa felt those butterflies in her stomach begin to stir again as she watched her blonde neighbour slip her mail under her door only to have one fall from her hands

 

Lexa quickly bent down to slip the loose envelope under Clarke’s door, standing at the same time as the other girl

 

“Good luck with your study” Clarke smiled awkwardly, realizing their closeness in front of her door

 

“Thanks” Lexa replied while taking a long stride backwards towards her own door, finding comfort in distance and creating some space between them once more “Have a good time with your friend”

 

“I’m sure I will” Clarke nodded

 

Instead of moving towards the elevator though, Clarke didn’t move and inch from where she stood.

 

She just stood in place, making no effort to leave where her feet were planted and only content to watch Lexa for that moment.

 

Lexa swallowed thickly as she watched Clarke’s eyes flicker to her lips before meeting her gaze once more.

 

The next thing she felt was Clarke’s body pressed flush against her front and the coolness of her door against her back.

 

Lexa saw no hesitation in Clarke’s eyes as she daringly placed a hand on her waist, gripping the brunette’s jacket tightly between her fingers.

 

Clarke’s nose brushed against her own slowly and before Lexa could process the sudden movement she felt Clarke’s warm, soft lips tentatively press against her own.

 

Lexa couldn’t lie to herself; she knew she had caught herself wondering what it would be like to kiss the other girl a few times and it passed every expectation she may have had.

 

She didn’t know whether had fallen asleep at some stage during her shift at work and she had been imagining all of this but for just that moment she had hoped it was real.

 

Electricity was the only thing that she could describe the feeling that rushed through her body, making her very aware that it was all very real.

 

The kiss was so tentative, Lexa gently kissing Clarke back slowly as she let herself sink into the moment.

 

Clarke took Lexa’s bottom lip between her own, tilting her head down slightly to seal the kiss once more.

 

Lexa moved her hand to Clarke’s cheek, cupping it delicately as she heard a small hum leave Clarke’s mouth.

 

Lexa felt comfortable, she felt completely comfortable but that was what set the alarm bells off inside her mind.

 

That was when she panicked.

 

Clarke’s nose brushed against hers once more as Clarke shifted to change the angle of the kiss but this gave Lexa a break in contact and a split second to clear her mind.

 

Lexa pulled her face away from Clarke’s hesitantly, her eyes fluttering open to see Clarke observing her curiously but a haze was evidently still in the forefront her mind.

 

She pushed herself into the door further, trying to create the tiniest amount of space if she could manage it.

 

“I’m sorry” Lexa muttered quietly as Clarke took a big step away from the brunette

 

“No, I’m sorry” Clarke shook her head “I shouldn’t have just done that, it came out of nowhere”

 

“I’m not…I don’t…” Lexa mumbled as she began to grow frustrated with her lack of communication in that moment

 

“You’re straight” Clarke said with wide eyes

 

“Definitely not” Lexa scoffed “No that’s not it at all. I just can’t start anything right now with _anyone_ ”

 

“I’m sorry” Clarke replied as she took a few further steps backwards, the horrified look on her face staying in place “I should go”

 

“Yeah, I have to study” Lexa nodded nervously “Bye Clarke”

 

“Cya” Clarke spoke awkwardly before turning on her heel and beginning to walk away

 

Lexa didn’t stick around to see Clarke take more than a few steps because she had shut herself in her apartment as quickly as she could manage, groaning outwardly as she hit her head against her door lightly a few times.

 

“Stupid Lexa” Lexa groaned once more

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have an update soon for you guys! Have an awesome weekend :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love as per usual! You guys really make my day when I hear from you :) 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter :)

The Brunette didn’t stop pacing her apartment for literally an hour after Clarke had kissed her.

 

Her hands were clasped tightly behind her back as she walked a neat line up and down her living room, her jacket thrown over the couch next to her bag as well as the books she was supposed to be studying.

 

Lexa’s eyes were fixed at the ground in front of her and the ground only as her eyebrows creased harshly in thought though her eyes gave away the distress and confusion she felt in the situation.

 

Lexa was angry.

 

Not just angry but she was _furious_.

 

She wasn’t angry with Clarke; she wasn’t sure whether that could have been possible for her in that moment after the way the blonde kissed her.

 

She had never been kissed like that before, with such delicacy and desire.

 

Like kissing Lexa was the only thing in the entire world that the blonde wanted at that moment.

 

She practically felt the electricity between their lips, sighing as she paused her steps and bringing her fingers up to touch her lips gently where Clarke’s had been just a little while ago.

 

Shaking her head of those thoughts she clasped her hands behind her back once more, digging her heels into the ground as she resumed her pacing.

 

She was livid and she was livid at herself and herself only.

 

It was unbelievable how quickly she had allowed her guard to be let down while she was around Clarke, as if she was able to manage it almost instantly.

 

She knew she was attracted to the other girl because that part was undeniable; everything about Clarke just drew her in.

 

The Brunette was concerned by just how much spending time with the other girl was influencing her and how much she found herself wanting to trust her neighbour.

 

Lexa was also annoyed at the fact that Clarke had such a hold over her already after only a matter of weeks, she found herself thinking of the blonde more often than she was willing to admit.

 

Lexa couldn’t deny that Clarke had a certain charm to her but she wasn’t willing to take a risk as she knew what happened when she trusted people.

 

People let you down, people always left when she began trusting them the most.

 

Lexa understood that it was a bleak and closed off way to look at life but it had also kept her heart protected for a while considering what she had experienced when she was younger.

 

Lexa protected herself over anyone else, she might have been considered as a selfish person but her own heart was all she had when she was growing up.

 

It would have been better if she could just shut her emotion off but she knew feelings didn’t just work like that, even if she would have liked it that way.

 

So for that moment she figured she would just do what she did with everything else that terrified her and just pretend that it didn’t.

 

If she could trick other people into thinking that there was nothing there, maybe she could convince her own mind to think the same.

 

She had done very well for herself by staying out of relationships, Lexa had always busied herself with her study because her ambition to be the best she could possibly be always drove her but it wasn’t like she didn’t have opportunities.

 

She had just never really found someone like Clarke who respected the fact that she had worked so hard to be where she was, rather than pitying her instead.

 

Mostly though she knew love was a delicate thing and it could be taken away from you for a number of reasons, it could destroy your heart within moments and Lexa wasn’t willingly going to subject herself to that.

 

If she could prevent it by pushing through her feelings then that is what she would continue to do.

 

After another 10 minutes or so she managed to calm herself down and get into some study she so desperately needed to do.

 

It was comforting for her to give her brain something else to do.

 

But she found herself later that night lying in her bed, restlessly moving from her side to her back so she could stare up at the ceiling.

 

Her apartment was still, it was quiet but thankfully the city outside her window ensured that she never had to go to sleep in complete silence.

 

Everything that was swirling around her head came to a screeching halt as Lexa heard a very quiet knock on her door.

 

She paused, as if staring out towards the direction of the sound would help her hear a little more clearly.

 

The walls weren’t the thickest, nor were the ceilings or floorboards so she did realize it could have come from anywhere.

 

But there it was again; another few light taps on her door.

 

The Brunette sighed to herself, throwing the covers over her body and moving her feet to touch the cool floorboards beneath her.

 

“Lexa” She heard Clarke’s voice from outside her apartment as she whispered

 

Lexa froze instantly, she couldn’t see the other girl.

 

Not at that moment anyway.

 

Almost regretfully Lexa laid herself back down again and pulled the covers over herself, tightly holding them over her chest.

 

Another quiet knock echoed through her apartment and Lexa shut her eyes tightly, silently hoping to anyone that would listen that Clarke would just go into her apartment and sleep.

 

Thankfully though someone listened because the next thing she heard was a few short footsteps to the apartment next to her and the door opening, before closing quietly once more.

 

Lexa felt her heart pounding outside of her chest, feeling terrible for just letting Clarke stand at her door but she couldn’t face the other girl.

 

Not yet anyway.

 

\---

 

Thanksgiving had been very uneventful for Lexa.

 

She had gone to spend it with Anya and her family but she had opted not to stick around long, helping out where she needed to before leaving and shutting herself in her apartment.

 

She had successfully avoided Clarke a number of times, she just thought it would be better to create a little more space between her and the blonde for a little longer.

 

Lexa did feel bad for ignoring the other girl, especially when she had knocked on her door but the brunette didn’t really feel like she had another choice.

 

She had been very isolated over the next few days, even to Anya who knew something was going on.

 

Lexa knew she hid it well from everyone else but Anya always realized when something was bothering her best friend.

 

It was Thursday night, the night after Thanksgiving and Lexa knew that a lot of people were going out that night in celebration of the long weekend, more to the point it was a break from classes.

 

She only knew that though because Anya had been trying to get her to come out all that week.

 

There she was though sitting cross-legged on her couch with her glasses on, her hair wavy sat messily over her shoulders, wearing a loose fitting jumper and sweatpants watching a series of documentaries that she had stumbled across when she was channel surfing.

 

Her phone buzzed on the coffee table in front of her but she didn’t bother to check it.

 

She knew it was yet another message from Anya telling her that she needed to get ready and go out with her so she ignored it.

 

Another 3 messages quickly came through when suddenly she saw her door handle move, the door swing open and an irritated Anya standing in her doorway.

 

“You know I gave you that key for emergencies” Lexa snapped as she scrunched her eyebrows in discontent “You have to knock when I am home”

 

“This is an emergency” Anya nodded as she closed the door behind her “You need to get out of your apartment and give yourself a break”

 

“I’m watching TV” Lexa pointed in front of her “This is a break”

 

“No you need to get out of these 4 walls” Anya replied looking around “I mean your apartment isn’t the homiest of places and I have never seen you spend so much time here since I have known you”

 

“There is nothing wrong with my apartment” Lexa shook her head quickly

 

“Seriously though, go get ready because we are going out” Anya replied

 

“No, I’m happy here” Lexa said “I’m happy in my space for now”

 

“Well what if I told you that Costia and Echo were going to be meeting us out in half an hour?” Anya asked with her hands on her hips “You haven’t seen them in a few weeks”

 

“I still just want to stay here” Lexa said with a shrug “Tell them to come here”

 

“No they want a night out too” Anya shook her head furiously “We need to distract you from whatever is bothering you”

 

“Nothing is bothering me” Lexa grumbled, glaring at her friend

 

“I know you keep thinking that if you tell yourself that then you will actually believe it eventually” Anya began “But that’s not how solving your problems work”

 

“I don’t have a problem”

 

“Okay well what if I go ask your neighbour if she wants to come out with us?” Anya asked hopefully “I’m sure if she comes out then you will too”

 

“What makes you think that just because you invite Clarke out, I will want to go out?” Lexa challenged

 

“Because you like her” Anya replied simply before continuing so Lexa couldn’t protest “And you can’t deny that because I saw the way you were looking at her when she came into work and there is clearly something there”

 

“I’ve been avoiding her” Lexa admitted with a sigh after a moments silence “I kissed her”

 

“You what?” Anya asked with a grin as she moved quickly to sit next to her friend on the couch “When?”

 

“Monday night” Lexa replied “I mean she kissed me but I kissed her back”

 

“Was it bad or something?” Anya questioned

 

“No, it was amazing” The younger girl shrugged as she pushed her glasses to the top of her head “It was probably the best kiss I have ever had”

 

“Okay so why are you avoiding her then?” Anya cocked an eyebrow

 

“Because I care about her” Lexa replied quickly “And I was letting her in when I didn’t even realize”

 

“You Monster” Anya responded dryly

 

“I’m serious” Lexa scolded

 

“So what happened after you kissed?”

 

“Well I just told her that I couldn’t be with anyone and I haven’t spoken to her since” Lexa replied with a shrug and she winced outwardly “Which I know isn’t the best way of handling it”

 

“It isn’t a way to handle it at all, Lexa” Anya frowned “The poor girl has to live next door to you and the only explanation you could give her was that you can’t be with anyone?”

 

“I know” Lexa groaned

 

“I don’t know why you can’t just try and trust someone” Anya said “I know that people have let you down in the past but maybe she could be someone who doesn’t let you down? Maybe she could be the girl who could change that for you?”

 

“Ever since I have decided to keep to myself and not let anyone in, I haven’t been hurt. I can’t get hurt because I won’t allow myself to be put in a position like that and it’s worked” Lexa shook her head “And besides, I’m not even looking for a relationship right now, so that part was true”

 

“But the only reason why you aren’t looking for a relationship is because you wont let yourself have one” Anya said honestly

 

“I know you think I am being dramatic” Lexa began

 

“No, I don’t think you are being dramatic” Anya cut her off “I just think that you try and fool yourself into thinking you don’t want something or something doesn’t affect you when really it does. Hiding just buries it deeper, it doesn’t make it disappear”

 

“Maybe I do need to get out” Lexa said as she pinched the bridge of her nose tightly

 

“Yes, you do” Anya said with bright eyes “It will do you good to get out and who knows, maybe seeing Costia could take your mind off things”

 

“Why do you push that so much?” Lexa asked in an annoyed tone “I know you say that we’re your friends and it would be great but it really wouldn’t and you know that. It would get so messy if we were actually together because we would clash so much”

 

“I don’t think you would clash that much” Anya shrugged

 

“Costia doesn’t know how to hold a relationship anymore than I do” Lexa shook her head “And sleeping with someone wouldn’t make me feel any better because I feel horrible about Clarke”

 

“See, I knew you have feelings for her” Anya nodded with a sigh “Get ready and we’ll go” 

 

Anya rushed Lexa in getting ready, she preferred her make up to look natural so she didn’t need to spend too much time on that and she was having a pretty good hair day so that didn’t take long either.

 

After changing into something a little more suitable to go out in they began walking to the bar Anya had told her they were going.

 

It was a short walk that wouldn’t require catching a taxi or the subway but it was still a cold night so Lexa hurried her steps to reach their destination as soon as they possibly could.

 

“I’m so happy you actually decided to come out tonight” Anya said with a smile as she wrapped her arm loosely around her friend’s shoulder “By the end of your night we will have your head cleared a little”

 

“I’ll hold you to that” Lexa replied “How much further are we going?”

 

“Not too much, I don’t think we’ve been to this place with you before” Anya answered “I mean Costia, Echo and I have been but you haven’t because you don’t come out with us anymore”

 

“Well I am tonight” Lexa said optimistically

 

“I still think that you need to deal with this whole Clarke thing after tonight though” Anya replied “Or maybe even take a chance on it. You know what they say”

 

“What do they say?” Lexa sighed, knowing she’d regret it after she asked

 

“It’s better to have loved and lost then never loved at all”

 

“I would seriously question anyone who actually believed that” Lexa replied quickly

 

Anya grinned as they turned the corner of the block they were walking on and pushed open the door of the busy bar.

 

The music was loud but the conversation was louder and Lexa took in the large crowded room before Anya grabbed her wrist and began pulling her through the sea of people towards a table they found their friends at.

 

“Well hello stranger” Costia said with a grin as Lexa shrugged her leather jacket from her shoulders

 

“Hey guys” Lexa said sheepishly, hanging the jacket on the back of her chair and taking a seat “I haven’t seen you guys in a while”

 

“I think it’s been about 3 weeks actually” Costia noted

 

“Yeah we were beginning to think that you didn’t like us anymore” Echo replied jokingly

 

“Well you all have graduated and I’m in my last year” Lexa responded “That and I’m on an academic scholarship so I need to study a lot plus I also need to work so I can live”

 

“You’re smart enough though that you don’t really need to study” Costia protested with a fake pout

 

“Don’t pout” Lexa shook her head “And I’m smart enough _because_ I study”

 

“Well either way, we’re happy you are here” Echo grinned

 

“Me too” Lexa nodded “I definitely need a night out”

 

“Which took a few minutes of convincing” Anya replied “And about 10 text messages”

 

“I was happily watching documentaries on TV” Lexa shook her head, leaning back in her chair as she scanned the bar quickly before turning back to Costia who was smiling in front of her

 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile back at the girl in front of her, she was a sucker for a pretty girl and Costia was beautiful.

 

What struck Lexa though was that she never felt those butterflies she encountered with Clarke when she looked at Costia or anyone else for that matter.

 

That’s how she knew that whatever was between herself and Costia was only ever just physical.

 

“I’m very surprised to see you venture out tonight to a bar of all places” Echo said with an impressed tone

 

“She had to get out of there” Anya said “Clear her head”

 

“Clear your head from what?” Costia asked curiously

 

“I don’t want to talk about it” Lexa answered

 

“A girl” Anya countered

 

“Wait” Costia asked as her grin only increased “You mean to tell me that someone has broken into and surpassed Fort Knox?”

 

“Fort Knox being my heart, right?” Lexa asked sarcastically

 

“Whoever she is, she has done the impossible” Echo scoffed

 

“Well I came out to not talk about it so can we please go ahead and not talk about it?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrows “And I’m serious”

 

“Got it” Costia answered “You okay though?”

 

“I’m fine” Lexa pressed, the irritation in her tone thick

 

Anya went to the bar to get them all drinks and Lexa sat fiddling with her sleeves for a few minutes as the other two girls conversed about something quietly.

 

“What are you doing for Christmas, Lexa?” Echo asked as she brought Lexa back into the land of the here and now

 

“Spending time with all my family” Lexa said dryly with a smirk

 

Thankfully she was with friends who knew her well and the comment only made them laugh loudly before Anya returned back to the table with their drinks.

 

“Because I was talking to Anya before and we were thinking we should go to Miami for Christmas” Echo offered “You’ll be out of classes and surely you won’t have any work to do by then. I mean everyone deserves a break”

 

“Even you” Costia chimed in “Just think, the sun and sand while everyone here is freezing”

 

“That does sound pretty good” Lexa said with a small smile

 

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud eruption of laughter, becoming all they could hear for a moment that came from a group in a corner on the other side of the bar.

 

Lexa glanced over quickly to see a large group of people crammed into a booth that clearly was overfilled but they all seemed to be enjoying themselves anyway

 

“Plus my family has a house just by the beach that will be free when we go so it would just be the 4 of us” Costia resumed their conversation once the laughter had died down

 

“Well I’ve got nothing else to do really besides hang out with you guys” Lexa shrugged “So I say let’s do it”

 

“Awesome” Echo exclaimed before taking a sip of her drink “See coming out tonight was a good idea”

 

“Maybe not” Anya said with wide eyes as she still faced the large group of people in the booth across the bar “Maybe we should go somewhere else”

 

“Why?” Echo furrowed her eyebrows “It’s too cold to go anywhere else and we have a great spot here”

 

“Not so great when Lexa sees who is sitting in that booth” Anya replied

 

Lexa’s stomach dropped but at the same time her heart rate quickened and those butterflies kicked in as she spotted Clarke’s unmistakable blonde hair on the other side of the bar.

 

She swallowed thickly as the blonde turned away from the friend she was talking to happily to face someone else so Lexa could see her face and was thankful for the loudness of the room because she audibly heard her own breath hitch.

 

Clarke clearly had put a bit of effort in how she looked that night.

 

Lexa had thought Clarke was beautiful all the time anyway but she had gone out of her way to do her make up really nicely, her still wavy hair sat perfectly over her shoulders and she wore a nice black jacket over a white loose top.

 

The brunette swallowed thickly as she sank into her chair slightly, hoping that no one noticed just how much the revelation of her neighbour being there had gotten to her.

 

“Who are we looking at?” Echo asked shifting her head to try and see who had Lexa’s attention

 

“The blonde” Lexa mumbled “That’s the girl I’m trying to get out of my head”

 

“Why?” Costia asked with wide eyes “She is hot”

 

“Costia” Lexa snapped as she looked to her friend

  
“Well she is” Costia retorted back “How did you meet her? Is she in your class?”

 

“No she’s my neighbour, I live next door to her” Lexa replied “She’s only been there for 7 weeks”

 

“So what’s going on between you two?” Echo asked curiously

 

“We kissed” Lexa replied simply

 

“That’s it?” Echo asked raising an eyebrow

 

“I was starting to trust her and I told her about the foster home stuff and I have only known her for a few short weeks” Lexa explained

 

“So?” Costia asked raising her eyebrows “You basically have it programmed in you to detect people’s character and clearly you think she is okay if you began to trust her or tell her things”

 

“That’s not the point” Lexa shook her head furiously as she looked to Clarke once more “You know that I don’t do relationships”

 

“No, You don’t let in anyone enough to have one” Costia countered

 

“That’s pretty much what I said” Anya interjected

 

“And as I said; I protect myself and it’s worked very well for me so far in my adult life” Lexa responded

 

“I just think you are preventing yourself from being happy because you don’t think you know how to have a relationship” Costia shook her head “But I am impressed by this girl because she’s gotten you thinking about it at the very least”

 

“Lexa here though has decided that ignoring her is the best course of action” Anya rolled her eyes as she looked to her other friends

 

“And I do feel bad because I actually care about her feelings but I’m just trying to keep my distance until our feelings weaken”

 

“You are so frustrating” Costia said groaning into her hand

 

“Well it looks like maybe she has already started to try and weaken those feelings” Echo gestured to the tanned, raven haired boy who had his arm loosely wrapped around Clarke’s shoulder

 

Lexa felt a swirl of jealously hit her as Clarke leaned her head against the guy’s shoulder only for a minute before she lifted it once more, tucking a strand of hair hanging in her face behind her ear.

 

Lexa knew she had no right to feel jealous over anything that happened with Clarke.

 

She was the one who pushed the blonde away so she had no right to feel any negativity towards the other girl for actions that she herself had to take responsibility for.

 

Costia was right, Lexa was thinking about it and when it came down to the bottom line, Clarke was all she could think about.

 

She felt terrible that she had been ignoring the other girl, Clarke definitely deserved better.

 

But that was why Lexa needed to ignore Clarke, she didn’t know how to give any better when she wasn’t used to giving much at all.

 

For now she was going to have to keep pretending that she wasn’t feeling as much as she was and wait for it to die down, at least she hoped it would die down.

 

She only sunk further in her chair as she saw the raven haired guy pull his arm away from Clarke and the hollow feeling she had come out to try and avoid swept through her once more.

 

Lexa had absolutely no one to blame but herself and she was very aware of that.

 

She just hoped that Clarke didn’t spot her because she didn’t want to ruin the other girls night but she also didn’t want to be caught staring as she couldn’t help herself.

 

\---

 

Lexa enjoyed her night with her friends as much as she would allow herself to.

 

After having only a couple of drinks she decided she was ready to go back home.

 

Lexa was feeling completely fine, she was totally in control of her own actions and didn’t feel any different than when she first walked in.

 

Thankfully Clarke had been too distracted with her own friends that she didn’t spot Lexa and the brunette only knew that because she had been stealing glances at Clarke all night.

 

When it came time to leave, Costia had asked Lexa to walk her home and being on the way back to her apartment she obliged, so once she had put her jacket back on they began their walk home together.

 

Lexa had her hands tucked deeply into her jacket pockets and Costia had looped her arm through Lexa’s as they walked silently through the reasonably busy streets.

 

“I’m really glad you came out tonight” Costia smiled as she walked into Lexa to bump her gently with her hip “We hardly saw you over the summer break because of your internship but we thought we’d see you more during the rest of the year”

 

“Well I had no life over the summer _because_ of that internship” Lexa shrugged “And you guys had just graduated so you were busy partying”

 

“I hardly call applying for teaching jobs being busy partying” Costia countered “I just don’t think you give yourself a break enough”

 

“Yeah but that’s why I have a scholarship and that’s why that internship went well and they will practically offer me a job when I graduate” Lexa shrugged

 

The continued walking, the cold wind howling through the streets and causing a chill to run down Lexa’s spine

 

“You know you can’t avoid her forever” Costia began “She is your neighbour”

 

“I know” Lexa admitted quietly as she looked down at the pavement in front of her “I know I can’t avoid her forever”

 

“So why are you trying?” Costia questioned cautiously

 

“I don’t know” Lexa shook her head “I don’t want to hurt her feelings”

 

“You do realize though that ignoring her after she kissed you probably isn’t making her feel too great, right?” Costia raised her eyebrows

 

“I know” Lexa cringed

 

“You know just because you admit to having feelings for someone, it doesn’t make you weak” Costia shrugged “Maybe you just need to give yourself time to figure that out”

 

“If I really admit that to myself then it makes it true” Lexa replied “And then I have to deal with it and hurt her feelings”

 

“Wow she really has gotten into Fort Knox”

 

“I’m not heartless” Lexa replied quietly

 

“I never said you were” Costia said squeezing Lexa’s arm tightly “I just know you very well and I know how hard it is to actually reach your heart and I think she’s done that”

 

“You know Anya keeps pushing us together” Lexa said looking to her friend with a small smile “She thinks we’d be perfect”

 

“She keeps saying that to me too” Costia chuckled “But we both know we would tear each other apart”

 

“Yes we would” Lexa said with wide eyes

 

“You’re too frustrating”

 

“That would be you” Lexa countered, earning a push from Costia

 

“You know sometimes you just can’t help or choose who comes into your life or even who steals your heart because it just happens” Costia said, her voice just above a whisper as she tugged on Lexa’s arm again “You don’t have to hurt her feelings you know. Sometimes it just happens and you don’t need to deny it or push it away, you can just enjoy it because it’s supposed to happen”

 

“I don’t know how to” Lexa shrugged with a furrowed brow

 

“You haven’t tried though” Costia shrugged as well “It sounds like you started to let her in but then just built up walls again”

 

“Well you can’t talk, you refuse to have a relationship too” Lexa protested with a shake of her head

 

“Because I don’t want to be tied down, you’re different” Costia replied “I can let someone in if I want to”

 

“She just scares me because she’s always got the upper hand with me” Lexa admitted “The way I feel about her is almost unfair”

 

“You are going to drive yourself mad” Costia chuckled

 

\---

 

Lexa laid in her bed with her eyes closed, willing herself to completely go to sleep so she didn’t hear Clarke come back to her apartment.

 

It was 2am and stupidly she was worried for the other girl because she hadn’t heard her come home.

 

She knew she could be setting herself up to hear something she didn’t want to if Clarke brought that boy home with her or maybe she was wasting her time because the blonde went home to a friends house but she couldn’t help but worry.

 

She had been drifting in and out of slumber for the past few hours after she had gotten home because her mind wouldn’t stop ticking over.

 

Lexa was glad she had gotten out, she may have driven herself crazy if she had stayed in but she also couldn’t stop thinking about how good Clarke had looked that night.

 

Her thoughts were tossed to the back of her mind when she heard a very loud , persistent banging on the door.

 

It didn’t sound like the kind of knock Clarke had used the few times when she had tried to talk to Lexa, it sounded louder, angrier but at the same time it sounded more distant somehow.

 

She heard the banging again and realized that it wasn’t her door being knocked on but it was Clarke’s.

 

The loud banging continued, which made Lexa’s heart rate increase because she was unsure as to what was going on.

 

Whoever was at her door didn’t sound like they were there to exchange pleasantries and who would even try at 2am?

 

“Open up” She suddenly heard Clarke’s voice demand loudly

 

Lexa quickly pulled the covers form her body and this time she actually stood from her bed, making her way out to the door in her long pajama pants and matching a loose fitting shirt.

 

Her eyes adjusted to the harsh, bright light in the hallway as her door opened and she saw Clarke sitting up against her door with her knees pulled up to her chest and her forehead resting on her knees.

 

Clarke was knocking on her own door.

 

“You okay out here?” Lexa asked quietly as she slowly approached the younger girl

 

It felt weird for Lexa, it was the first time she had spoken to the other girl in days but she still felt as if they had only kissed yesterday.

 

“Fine” Clarke grumbled into her knee’s, not moving her head “There’s no one to let me in”

 

“There isn’t usually either” Lexa replied crouching down besides Clarke as she took in the sight of the girl

 

Judging by how she was acting and her voice, Clarke was reasonably drunk, Lexa didn’t know to what extent just yet but she looked like she had been through a decent night.

 

“Why are you out here?” Clarke said unevenly, her words slurring slightly “You don’t care”

 

“And I can see why you would think that but why don’t we get you inside and I promise I will talk to you about this tomorrow” Lexa offered, hoping that Clarke was drunk enough to not remember what was being said “Where are your keys?”

 

“In my bag” Clarke responded, lifting her head to look Lexa in the eyes

 

Though her makeup was a little smeared and her eyes a little glassy, she still looked incredible.

 

Her tight leather pants and black heels not doing anything to assist Lexa’s concentration either.

 

“Okay well do you mind if I have a look for your keys so we can get you inside and in your bed?” Lexa asked patiently “We don’t really want you sleeping out here and if you keep knocking on your door you might wake the rest of the building up”

 

“I don’t care, take my bag” Clarke offered as she threw the bag at Lexa, hitting her in the chest

 

“Thanks” Lexa grumbled with a furrowed brow as she unzipped the small clutch bag

 

It was small enough to see everything without moving anything around but the problem was that she couldn’t see a set of keys even after taking everything else out.

 

“Do you even have your keys?” Lexa asked

 

“I think I gave them to Raven” Clarke shrugged as she swallowed thickly “I don’t know why though”

 

“What about spares?” Lexa asked

 

“No spares” Clarke replied “I don’t have a mat to hide them under”

 

“Well you can’t sleep out here” Lexa replied with a sigh as she gathered Clarke’s things and slowly, offering her hand out to the younger girl “You can sleep in my room and I’ll sleep on the floor”

 

“Okay” Clarke said quietly as she took Lexa’s hand but made no effort to help herself up, leaving that for the brunette to do

 

Lexa rolled her eyes, leaning back and pulling Clarke up to her feet who stumbled slightly before regaining her composure.

 

She ducked under Clarke’s arm and steadied the other girl, not really comprehending how she walked in those shoes when she was sober let alone completely drunk.

 

She walked the blonde into her apartment slowly, turning on her bedroom light on and gently sitting her down on the bed.

 

“Okay just sit tight here for a second, I’m going to get you some water and then we’ll take your shoes off and you can get to sleep” Lexa said backing away from the blonde slowly, keeping her eyes on her as if she would disappear when she turned away

 

“Got it” Clarke said saluting Lexa jokingly as she blinked slowly

 

Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle at the drunken blonde; she knew she would have a sore head in the morning.

 

She quickly moved into the kitchen, getting the biggest glass she could find and filling it to the top with water before grabbing the bucket she usually used for her washing.

 

When she walked back into her room with her hands full she saw Clarke laying on her back with her eyes closed, her hair messily spread out under her with her feet hanging over the edge of the bed.

 

The most obvious thing Lexa noticed though was that while she had been out in the kitchen for only a few seconds, the blonde had thrown her jacket and shirt ground next to the bed.

 

So there Clarke was, lying on her bed with just her bra, pants and surprisingly her heels still.

 

How Clarke deemed those more comfortable than her clothes, Lexa would never know.

 

Lexa swallowed thickly as she placed the water down next to the bed on her drawers, leaving the bucket on the ground next and kneeling down to slip the heels from the blonde’s feet.

 

“You are going to be a bit embarrassed tomorrow” Lexa mumbled once she pulled off both shoes, sitting them neatly by the foot of the bed

 

She heard the other girl grumble something inaudibly while she pulled out a shirt for Clarke to sleep in, scooping her arm under the blonde’s back and sitting her up gently.

 

“Arms up please” Lexa mumbled as she sat down next to the other girl on the bed and Clarke obliged, trying her hardest to ignore their closeness

 

She tugged the shirt gently over Clarke’s body, pausing as she saw the drunk girl grinning at her widely

 

“What?”

 

“You _do_ like me” Clarke grinned before poking her in the cheek gently “You care about me”

 

“You need to get some sleep” Lexa replied ignoring her words

 

Lexa moved to push herself backwards but she felt Clarke’s arm’s wrap around her neck tightly, pulling her flush against the blonde’s body in a firm hug.

 

Lexa felt a chuckle escape from her lips, shaking her head she lazily looped her arms around Clarke’s waist to return the hug quickly before the drunk girl pulled her off balance onto the bed.

 

Surprisingly, drunk Clarke was very strong.

 

Lexa quickly freed herself from Clarke’s grasp though, moving the blonde so that the head was on the pillows and pulling the covers over her body.

 

“Now I’m going to sleep on the couch” Lexa said as she stood by the bed awkwardly “If you need me just call out, okay?”

 

“Why won’t you sleep in here?” Clarke complained

 

Lexa looked down at Clarke and sighed heavily.

 

Her eyes might have been hazy but they were still that shade of full deep blue she had come accustomed to almost getting lost in and her disappointed expression made Lexa almost groan.

 

She felt her resolve bending, slowly breaking inside of her as Clarke looked up at her innocently like she had the moment after Lexa pulled away from their kiss.

 

This had never happened to Lexa before.

 

She had seen drunk people in her hallway a few times within the 6 years of living there, so usually she just checked to see if they were okay and left them until they found their way inside.

 

She wasn’t heartless.

 

She had just never cared enough to bring them into her own apartment and set them up in her own bed of all places.

 

Clarke was definitely right in her drunken state; Lexa did care.

 

She cared more than she was ready to admit.

 

She just hoped the other girl forgot that once the alcohol left her system.

 

“You want me to sleep in here?” Lexa asked with another sigh

 

“Yeah” Clarke replied quietly

 

“I’ll sleep on the floor by the bed but if I do that you have to promise you’ll go to sleep” Lexa chastised softly “And if you need to throw up don’t do it on me, I have a bucket next to the bed which I better not sleep right next to”

 

“Okay, thank you” Clarke replied

 

Lexa nodded, pulling a spare blanket and pillow from her cupboard and setting it down on the floor.

 

She knew how uncomfortable she was going to be, she knew how little sleep she would actually get but at least she was satisfied that Clarke would be okay.

 

And that no one had to know that she had given up her bed for her neighbour who had locked herself out of her apartment.

 

She questioned herself as to why she was actually doing what she was, Clarke wasn’t going to remember where Lexa slept or what decisions she made but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to say no to the blonde after ignoring her for the past few days.

 

Lexa laid herself down on the cold floor, facing the bed on her side and hugging the pillow closed to her head as she saw a peak of blonde hair cascade over the side of the bed.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke asked quietly

 

“Yes Clarke?” Lexa asked after a moment of contemplation

 

Lexa waited for a follow up question or statement for a few minutes, only realizing that Clarke had instantly fallen asleep between words when she heard the blonde quietly snoring.

 

A soft smile pulling at her lips as she exhaled deeply and closed her eyes.

 

She felt her heart thud strongly in her chest and that’s when she knew all of her hard work trying to ignore Clarke and separate her feelings had been undone.

 

Her eyes opened as she figured out just how difficult it was going to be to try and push aside the care she had for that girl.

 

Though the hallow feeling within her body had definitely disappeared, instead she was filled with fear that the girl next to her had the capacity to carry the strength to destroy her completely.

 

She found herself shifting to look at the ceiling once more because she knew she would regret this later.

 

Stupid Lexa.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Hope you had a great weekend too


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love and comments, you guys are the best.
> 
> I'm interested to hear what you think of this chapter because I think it picks up from here.

Lexa hardly got any sleep that night; between the uncomfortable floor and her brain ticking over she only managed to get around 3 hours sleep maximum.

 

She stood quietly to look at Clarke who had sprawled herself completely all over Lexa’s bed, one leg hanging over the edge and her hair spread over her face.

 

She had pushed the covers pushed down to the foot of the bed roughly, a quiet laughter leaving Lexa’s mouth at the hilarious sight.

 

Lexa moved out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her very quietly.

 

She knew that after the state Clarke was in last night, she probably wouldn’t wake for a little while.

 

Seeing as she was awake early she figured she could make breakfast to ease the embarrassment that she knew the other girl would feel once she woke.

 

She had been there before, she figured Clarke had a good reason for getting as inebriated as she had and Lexa thought it would be possible for her to be that very reason.

 

So Lexa busied herself making pancakes with bacon, turning on the TV quietly so she had some background noise as she cooked.

 

She couldn’t hear any activity above her below her, looking at her phone that had been on charge out in the kitchen to note that it was still pretty early.

 

Lexa was distracting herself, trying not to think about the conversation she was probably going to need to have with Clarke once she woke.

 

That didn’t last long though because within 30 minutes she saw her bedroom door open and Clarke tentatively walking out with her heels in her one hand while her other hand rubbed her eyes.

 

“Morning” Lexa greeted nervously as she reached for a cup of coffee, placing it on the small kitchen table for her “I thought you might need this”

 

“How did I get in here?” Clarke asked, her voice raspy and hoarse “The last thing I remember is getting back to the building”

 

“You were knocking on your door pretty loudly” Lexa nodded “And you were sitting against it when I came out, I’m not too sure what you did with your keys so you might need to find out”

 

“So you let me sleep in your bed?” Clarke questioned

 

“I wasn’t going to just let you sleep outside in the hall” Lexa shook her head “Did you walk home alone?”

 

“I think so” Clarke replied with a nod

 

“That’s dangerous, Clarke” Lexa said flinching slightly at Clarke’s answers “Who knows where you could have ended up”

 

“Well I ended up in your bed” Clarke shrugged

 

Lexa could tell Clarke was thankful but she could also tell Clarke was annoyed at her, which most definitely would have something to do about the fact that they had kissed and Lexa had just completely ignored her for days.

 

“Thank you” Clarke said after a very awkward silence between the two girls “I need to go have a shower”

 

“Well Gustus should be down in his office by now and he’ll have a spare set of keys to your apartment until you get your actual set back” Lexa nodded as she turned back to her small pan and old stove “If it helps you said you thought you gave them to Raven”

 

“That does help” Clarke replied “Going all out for breakfast? Do you have someone else hidden in here?”

 

“Just you” Lexa shook her head

 

“I saw you last night, Lexa” Clarke admitted “I saw you leaving with that girl so I thought you might have some more company”

 

“Oh” Lexa’s heart fell to the floor as she turned wide eyed to Clarke who stood awkwardly in the middle of the room “Oh, _no._ That was my friend Costia, I was just walking her home”

 

“Did you see me there too?” Clarke asked curiously

 

“I did” Lexa said honestly as she remembered the guy who had his arm around her “But you looked like you were having lots of fun”

 

“Apparently too much” Clarke agreed “I’m going to go and get my keys. Sorry for being a drunken mess but thank you for letting me stay here”

 

“You were no trouble” Lexa shrugged

 

Clarke moved to the door, pausing as she placed her hand on the door handle and Lexa watched her intently

 

“You should come back” Lexa suggested suddenly “I made quite a bit of food for two people so you should come back once you have had a shower…if you want to”

 

“I should?” Clarke raised her eyebrows

 

“So I can talk to you and apologize for ignoring you” Lexa replied

 

“So you have been ignoring me on purpose?” Clarke asked quietly

 

“I can’t deny I have been” Lexa said “But it wasn’t because of you, I was doing it because of me”

 

“You realize how stupid I felt after I kissed you, right?” Clarke asked sharply “Just to have you ignore me straight away?”

 

“I can imagine and I’m sorry” Lexa replied “Will you come back?”

 

“Well it does smell nice and I’m craving bacon so yes” Clarke said turning to the door before she turned back to Lexa very quickly “But only for the bacon”

 

“Got it” Lexa said with a small smile

 

With that Lexa watched Clarke leave her apartment, hearing the footsteps lead further away until she couldn’t hear her any longer at all.

 

Lexa moved to her bedroom and chuckled to herself as she saw Clarke had attempted to make her bed neatly but she could only imagine how awkward Clarke had felt when she realized whose apartment she was in.

 

She spotted Clarke’s jacket and shirt on the floor by the bed and sighed, the other girl clearly hadn’t connected with the fact that she was not wearing that shirt when she got home last night but she would tell her that later.

 

She picked up the shirt and jacket, neatly folding them both and placing them at the foot of her bed before returning back to the kitchen.

 

\---

 

15 minutes later Lexa was flipping her last pancake, her small table had been set for two and she even cooked up some extra bacon for her neighbour.

 

She heard a tap on the door and she called that it was open, seeing Clarke step through her door once more looking a bit more refreshed.

 

She was changed into denim jeans and an NYU sweatshirt, her hair tied up into a messy bun that sat roughly at the top of her head.

 

“I believe this is yours” Clarke said holding up the shirt bunched in her hands “I can take it and wash it if you want?”

 

“No it’s fine” Lexa shook her head as she slid the last pancake onto the plate, switching the stove off and placing the plate on the table “Breakfast”

 

“Thank you” Clarke said whilst pulling out a chair for herself to sit down “So I think I remember just pulling off my shirt while I was sitting on your bed last night, did that happen?”

 

“I wasn’t in the room but yeah” Lexa replied as she handed the bacon to Clarke “I went to get you some water and somewhere to throw up in if you couldn’t make it to the bathroom and when I came back you were lying on my bed half asleep with no shirt”

 

“Great” Clarke said with a sigh “Well thank you for dressing me again”

 

“It was pretty easy” Lexa chuckled “Though I don’t know why you decided to keep your heels on rather than your jacket and shirt”

 

“So I was knocking on my own door?”

 

“You told me that no one was letting you in” Lexa bit her cheek to stop herself from laughing, trying to save the other girl a little humiliation “Do you know where you left your keys at?”

 

“My friend Raven was pretty drunk too so she told me she didn’t want me driving home after I had been drinking” Clarke said “Even though I walked to the bar but I agreed anyway aparently so I gave her my apartment keys. I’m going to go and get them later”

 

“That’s impressive” Lexa replied with a nod “You had a big group of friends there last night”

 

“I know a lot of good people” Clarke nodded before she handed the bacon back to Lexa and took a pancake “You could have said hi you know”

 

“No it wasn’t my place to” Lexa shook her head “And you had enough people to talk you”

 

“Well you wouldn’t have talked to me anyway so that wouldn’t have been a problem” Clarke responded quickly

 

“I am sorry for how I reacted Clarke” Lexa said seriously as she stared at the other girl “I was just trying to clear my head a little”

  
“I know you were home when I tried to talk to you too” Clarke said “All I wanted to tell you was that it was no big deal”

 

“For me it was though because I don’t just kiss people” Lexa said before quickly continuing “And I’m not saying you do, I’m just saying it was unusual for me”

 

“I don’t” Clarke chuckled

 

“I’m sorry” Lexa muttered

 

“Let’s just forget about it for now, okay?” Clarke offered “Despite all you hide, I think that you letting my drunk-self stay here last night kind of proved to me that you don’t hate me”

 

“I don’t hate you at all” Lexa said seriously as she shook her head

 

“I figure that now” Clarke replied with a small smile

 

“So why did you walk home alone?” Lexa asked

 

“I was drunk” Clarke shrugged

 

“Do you usually get that drunk?” Lexa asked curiously

 

“No, never” Clarke shook her head “I just…needed to blow off some steam”

 

“I see” Lexa replied pausing before she pushed for an answer “Well someone should have walked you home. That guy you were with should have walked you home; I mean what kind of date was he?”

 

“Who was I sitting next to when you were there?” Clarke asked making a face of disgust “No one at that table would ever be my date; I’ve known them all for way too long”

 

“Oh” Lexa answered quietly “Still, someone should have walked you home”

 

“Did I do anything else super embarrassing besides strip in your bedroom?” Clarke asked jokingly

 

“No, you were well behaved besides that” Lexa laughed “And you actually handled it really well, I thought you would be extremely unwell today”

 

“I make a quick recovery” Clarke replied with a grin “So how was your Thanksgiving?”

 

“It was good thank you, quiet but good” Lexa answered “Yours?”

 

“Much of the same” Clarke nodded “I was actually really surprised that you were out last night, I honestly did a double take as you were leaving”

 

“I planned on staying home last night watching a marathon of documentaries on sea life when Anya literally broke into my apartment and told me I needed to come out”

 

“Documentaries on sea life?” Clarke asked with an amused grin

 

“It’s very interesting, Clarke” Lexa answered her sarcasm with a flat reply

 

“So Anya broke into your apartment?” Clarke raised her eyebrows questioningly “How?”

 

“Okay well she has a key for absolute emergencies” Lexa began

 

“Woah, she has a key?” Clarke asked “To _your_ apartment?”

 

“Emergencies only” Lexa replied

 

“I have only known you for a month but we’ve spent some time together and you won’t even loan anyone your phone charger because you think that’s too much” Clarke smirked as she watched the other girl squirm

 

“Well she isn’t just anyone” Lexa shook her off “Anyway she used her key to come and find me because the dozen messages that she had sent weren’t enough”

 

“I have to give it to her though, she managed to get you out” Clarke shrugged

 

“She did” Lexa nodded “I know I sound like a huge homebody but when I’m home I’m almost always studying so it was nice to just be doing nothing”

 

“I like doing that too” Clarke shrugged “I don’t go out that often, to tell you the truth I prefer to stay in but all my friends were going out and I felt like I needed it last night”

 

“Well the next few nights will probably be a bit more toned down than last night” Lexa reasoned as she picked up her coffee cup and took a sip

 

“Why?” The blonde cocked an eyebrow

 

“Isn’t the Mayor of Middleton making her arrival this afternoon?” Lexa asked “Or has something changed”

 

“Oh my god” Clarke said raising her hand over her mouth “I totally forgot”

 

“No you didn’t” Lexa shook her head as she waited for Clarke to laugh at her own joke or to stop her fake reaction but as the seconds ticked by, she kind of realized that maybe it wasn’t a joke “You can’t forget that your mother is coming to visit you from interstate”

 

“I mean I remembered yesterday before I went out but it skipped my mind this morning” Clarke said as she stood quickly from the table “My apartment is a mess and she is getting here in 2 hours”

 

“You better hurry then” Lexa leaned back in her chair

 

“I can’t just leave you to clean up after you took care of me last night” Clarke said looking to Lexa with a conflicted expression

 

“You can because you have enough to clean up” Lexa nodded “Go”

 

“Thank you” Clarke said as she rushed through the door of Lexa’s apartment, closing it behind her loudly

 

Lexa laughed to herself, she felt better after talking to the blonde but it didn’t solve the obvious tension between them both.

 

Lexa would deal with that later though because she was just glad that she and Clarke were okay but she was also glad she had avoided that awkward situation between them.

 

Most of all she was thankful that Clarke didn’t push the situation and was willing to leave the issue where it was for that moment.

 

Her door opened suddenly once more, a determined looking Clarke disappeared into Lexa’s bedroom to grab her shirt and jacket, taking a rash of bacon from the table before exiting wordlessly again.

 

4 weeks ago Lexa would have been enraged by someone doing that and if it had been anyone else but Clarke, maybe she still would have been.

 

Within her own mind Lexa knew she had developed a soft spot for the blonde, she just wasn’t going to really let anyone else see.

 

\---

 

Lexa had decided to do a little cleaning of her own that morning after breakfast.

 

After spotlessly cleaning the kitchen; she changed her sheets, went down to the laundry floor to wash them and returning to the apartment to mop her floor.

 

Once she was satisfied with how clean her apartment was, she sat down on her couch and turned the TV on to see whether she could find something else to keep her entertained before she decided to do some study.

 

As soon as she sat down after turning the TV on she heard a knock at her door and before she could even stand from her couch she heard another knock.

 

She groaned, cursing whoever was knocking at her door as she had just chosen to sit down and relax.

 

“Hi Clarke” Lexa said with a furrowed brow as she saw a very frantic and panicked Clarke in front of her “You okay?”

 

“You are going to hate me” Clarke said with wide eyes

 

“Why?” Lexa asked cautiously “Do I _want_ to know?”

 

“I just got off the phone to my mom” Clarke began “And it seems I answered a call from her last night when she rang just to double check everything was okay for today still”

 

“Okay” Lexa nodded, folding her arms “Was this pre or post drunk Clarke?”

 

“Oh very post” Clarke admitted “She has been trying to set me up with this guy back home that works for her and she was telling me that she was going to arrange a date for us when I was there for Christmas. She’s also hinting she’s going to invite him over to have Christmas dinner with us ”

  
“And I’m guessing you don’t like him?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrow

 

“No, I _really_ don’t. He’s awful” Clarke shook her head “Anyway I only just remembered this because my mom called me then and I had one of those horrible flashbacks”

 

“Clarke, just tell me why I will hate you so I can start hating you” Lexa said impatiently

 

“So last night I said for her not to set me up because I was seeing someone” Clarke admitted “And your name came out of my mouth so I kind of just went along with it”

 

“Wait, what?” Lexa asked her eyes widening “You said _me_?”

 

“Well you were the last person I was thinking about before I took that call and drunk me was apparently feeling daring” Clarke said anxiously “I am _so_ sorry but I need you to be my fake girlfriend for the weekend, just until she is gone so she believes me”

 

Lexa stood in front of Clarke absolutely speechless.

 

She waited for Clarke to begin laughing, as if this were some kind of joke to get her back for ignoring her but the blonde just stood in front of her with that same anxious expression.

 

“You’re serious” Lexa said slowly “This isn’t a joke? Are you trying to get me back?”

 

“I’m serious and I wouldn’t be asking you this is I didn’t really need it” Clarke replied “She is set on me moving back to Middleton and this is just another reason for her to try and get me to come back for good after I graduate”

 

“Have you thought of maybe telling her that you just don’t want to move back, that you are going to stay here and that you don’t want to be with whoever she is trying to set you up with?” Lexa asked incredulously “That commonly is called the truth”

 

“Yes, believe me I have tried all of that but she’s very persistent” Clarke said quickly “I told you that she hasn’t been the same since my dad died and she is so overprotective. I’m all she has left and I don’t want to disappoint her because she is an amazing mom but I also don’t want to move back there and if I tell her that she’ll think that I just don’t want to be there with her. I don’t know why I said you while I was drunk and I’m sorry I did but I really need this from you. Just for the weekend so she’ll finally get off my back”

 

“What happens after this weekend?” Lexa asked

 

“When I go home for Christmas I will just say that we broke up and say I need to be single for a while” Clarke shrugged “Or just something that she will believe, I haven’t thought that far yet”

 

“This is ridiculous” Lexa said flatly

 

“I know but she’s literally on her way here now. She’s probably waiting for the elevator downstairs” Clarke said taking a tiny step towards Lexa “Please”

 

“No” Lexa furrowed her eyebrows “No this is not fair on me for you to ask this. It’s not my problem that you got drunk and then told your mom that we were together when we aren’t”

 

“I know that but if you do this for me I will do whatever you want” Clarke said “I’ll even move out if you can’t forgive me for this”

 

“I just don’t understand why you can’t just tell her the truth about this and be done with it” Lexa said

 

“Because even you know that sometimes the truth isn’t what’s best” Clarke challenged Lexa openly

 

Lexa clenched her jaw and Clarke basically called her out on the fact that she could tell Lexa was hiding her feelings.

 

That didn’t sit well with Lexa at all.

 

“There is no way this would even work, Clarke” Lexa shook her head “There is no way that we could convince _anyone_ that we are together”

 

“I think we could try” Clarke replied “I know this is a lot to ask you after what just happened. I mean it’s a lot to ask anyone at any time, especially you but I am desperate”

 

“No” Lexa said simply through gritted teeth “This is not my problem, this is yours”

 

With that Lexa took a step backwards, shutting her door loudly as Clarke stood in front of it.

 

Lexa’s chest was heaving.

 

She was furious that Clarke would even think she could just implicate her in such a situation.

 

She didn’t know how to be in a relationship anyway and she didn’t want to lie straight to Clarke’s mothers face about the nature of their relationship.

 

Even if she did look adorable being all stressed out in front of her.

 

Lexa shook those thoughts from her head as she looked down to the ground to see Clarke’s shadow still under her door, the other girl was still standing there

 

She did feel bad for the other girl, knowing it would have been difficult for her to say that to her mom knowing that she was lying.

 

Every time Clarke spoke of her parents her voice did always fill with such admiration that she found herself almost jealous of.

 

It occurred to her what an awkward situation it put Clarke in seeing as she knew Middleton only reminded her of her father so when her mom brought up her moving back, it couldn’t have been very nice for her.

 

The more she thought about it the more she could actually sympathize with Clarke’s situation and her complicated dilemma.

 

She also knew that she had made a drunken mistake, which happened to the best of people but Lexa didn’t think she could actually go through with it.

 

Her heartbeat increased, she couldn’t believe she was actually considering doing what Clarke had come to her with.

 

For a reason she was still trying to deny, she almost wanted to help the other girl out.

 

She did still feel bad for ignoring her after they had kissed, she knew it wasn’t right for her to have done that but what Clarke was asking was a little outrageous.

 

There was another loud knock and Lexa leaned her forehead against the door, pressing her palms into it firmly and exhaling shakily.

 

“Lexa please” Clarke called with a muffled voice “I know it’s so stupid but I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need to go along with this. She’s just going to set me up when I go back for Christmas and it’s already difficult enough going back there without adding a guy who I can’t stand into the picture”

 

“What, does your mom enforce arranged marriages?” Lexa quipped, the door still separating them both

 

Lexa groaned inwardly at the silence after she spoke, opening her door to look at Clarke with a frown.

 

She looked genuinely surprised that Lexa had even opened her door again.

 

“I will tell her about this when the time is right and I’ve told her that I don’t want to be back in Middleton but I just don’t want to give her another reason to be encouraged that I’m going to move back there once I finish college” Clarke begged “I don’t want to hurt her but I also can’t compromise my life for her as well. She needed me when my dad died and I was there for her but it was hard. Now I’m out and I have my own life but she just doesn’t really understand”

 

“I don’t understand either” Lexa shook her head “This is completely ridiculous”

 

Another moment of silence passed between the girls as they both tried to read each other, which Lexa found almost impossible to do recently and it bugged her to no end.

 

“Clarke” She heard a happy voice from down the hallway

 

Both girls looked to their right and Lexa saw a middle aged woman who was with little doubtClarke’s mother, pulling a large bag behind her.

 

Lexa felt her chest tighten as she saw Clarke smile nervously, glancing back to Lexa before she took a couple of steps to meet her mom and hug her tightly.

 

She couldn’t possibly consider doing this, even if Clarke had begged or how her eyes looked when she did beg Lexa for that favour.

 

Lexa didn’t do favors; she let people figure it out themselves.

 

She didn’t really care for other people who were outside her friendship circle; she didn’t really care for people who hadn’t proved themselves.

 

She hadn’t been hurt in her adult life because she hadn’t left herself open to be hurt, she made sure to never attach herself as it always ended in pain.

 

Clarke had become a very big test for Lexa though.

 

She tried her hardest to stay detached from the blonde but the way she respected her, challenged her and almost enamored her made it very hard for her to stay away even if she wanted to.

 

Lexa could recognize that Clarke had the capabilities to slowly change her; it was just whether she wanted to change herself. 

 

Everything Clarke did challenged Lexa’s usual habits and made her almost question why she had stayed away from people for so long.

 

_Almost._

 

“It’s so good to see you” Her mother said with a grin as she pulled away from the hug but held her daughter at arm’s length

 

“How was your flight?” Clarke asked as a warm smile settled on her face

 

“It was fine” She replied with a nod “I’m excited to be here for the weekend”

 

 Lexa could just watch the exchange in front of her, she was frozen in place and hoping that if she was motionless enough, she wouldn’t be noticed.

 

She was noticed though because not a moment later Clarke’s mom looked directly at Lexa with a curious smile on her face and looking back to her daughter once more.

 

“Uh this is Lexa” Clarke said and the brunette could see her swallowing a lump in her throat

 

“So you are the Lexa I just heard about last night?” She asked raising her eyebrows as she let go of her daughter, turning to face the other girl

 

“Well it is but I need to talk to you” Clarke said awkwardly as she fiddled with her hands in front of her “I kind of called you while I was out last night”

 

“I’m Lexa” Lexa nodded as she tried to steel herself, shaking any hesitation from her voice “Clarke and I are together”

 

She held her hand out for Clarke’s mother to shake and she took it with a wide smile, shaking it firmly.

 

“It’s nice to meet you” She said releasing Lexa’s hand “I’m Abby. My daughter has kept you somewhat of a secret”

 

“So I’ve heard” Lexa said looking to Clarke who was watching on with wide eyes

 

“Well I look forward to getting to know you” Abby replied “It’s pretty convenient that you live next door to each other”

 

“Crazy how things work out” Lexa said stiffly

 

She cringed internally, if she had a mirror in front of her she wouldn’t have recognized who she was at that moment.

 

“Why don’t I show you my apartment and then I’ll take you to your hotel” Clarke smiled “It’s just on the next block”

 

“Why don’t we all go out to dinner tonight?” Abby asked looking between the two girls “My treat, it would be nice to get to know you Lexa and it will be great to catch up”  


“Well I can’t tonight” Lexa denied “I have…lots to do”

 

“Surely you can just come out for a few hours?” Abby asked hopefully “I promise I won’t be awkward and ask you horrible questions. I just think it would be nice, Clarke sounded so happy when she was on the phone last night talking about you”

 

“I don’t doubt she sounded happy” Lexa remarked as she looked to the blonde as her jaw clenched before continuing through gritted teeth “Dinner sounds great”

 

“Great” Abby said before grabbing her bag and taking it into Clarke’s apartment, leaving Lexa standing outside of her apartment next to her neighbour

 

“You might have to move out” Lexa grumbled very quietly

 

“I owe you big time” Clarke said frantically “I will try and keep her at bay”

 

“How am I supposed to do this?” Lexa shook her head “I don’t know the first thing about you and you don’t know the first thing about me”

 

“That’s a bit dramatized, we do know things about each other” Clarke said lowly “I will take her to her hotel and when she is getting ready for dinner we can talk about this, get our stories straight”

 

“You owe me an endless amount Clarke Griffin” Lexa growled

 

“Believe me, I know” Clarke replied with a nod before she disappeared into her apartment and closed the door

 

Lexa followed and stepped back into her own, closing the door quietly and locking it quickly.

 

She moved to the couch, sitting down in the position she had been in before the whirlwind that was Clarke Griffin knocked impatiently on her door.

 

Lexa had a very bad feeling about the situation she had just agreed to get herself into.

 

She knew she had to take responsibility for agreeing to it but she didn’t really think it was fair when Clarke was literally begging her for help.

 

The brunette heard laughter coming from Clarke’s apartment building and she cursed herself silently.

 

Yes, Lexa was caught up in Clarke’s orbit but she had a feeling she was about to be pulled inside her atmosphere until she crashed and burned.

 

What she was cursing herself about though was that she could be willing to crash and burn and that was something she had never felt in her entire life before.

 

The next few days were going to be a challenge and Lexa knew that as she sat there feeling numb and conflicted within herself.

 

She didn’t know what she was feeling anymore because she was having an internal battle between her need to protect herself and her want to trust Clarke.

 

What had she just agreed to and what had she gotten herself into?

 

She placed her head in her hands and groaned loudly.

 

_Incredibly_ stupid Lexa.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think?
> 
> You'll have to trust me on this one because this isn't going to be as simple of a story from here as you might think.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are too kind, thank you for embracing this story like you have. 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter, please let me know what you think! 
> 
> As I have said before, this story is going to be a bit different compared to what I have done before so expect some fluff but then expect some angst too. You will see some progress coming though!

Lexa was standing in front of Clarke as the blonde sat on the couch, her legs were tucked underneath her and she was hugging one of Lexa’s decorative cushions to her chest tightly.

 

They had been positioned silently like that for a few minutes after Clarke had returned from dropping her mom off at her hotel, not even saying a word when Lexa let her into the apartment.

 

It had been half an hour since Lexa had met Abby but Lexa herself hadn’t moved from the couch until Clarke had knocked on the door.

 

So there she stood, her arms folded awkwardly and her eyes intently focused on Clarke as the blonde stared out in thought in front of her while the TV filled the silence in the background.

 

“If we are having dinner with your mom, we need to figure out our story so we can pretend to know what is going on” Lexa offered gently, breaking the silence as she moved one hand to rub her neck uncomfortably

 

“I can’t believe you actually agreed to this” Clarke replied as she finally met Lexa’s gaze, shaking her head

 

“You were practically begging me” Lexa answered raising her eyebrows

 

“You’re right” Clarke said quickly “And I’m forever grateful for you doing that but I just can’t believe you actually said yes”

 

“Either can I honestly” Lexa shook her head “Of all the people you could have said, you had to say me”

 

“Who else would I say?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows

 

“I have no idea” Lexa said before sighing “But we’re doing this now so we need to work this out”

 

“Right” Clarke said as she looked up to meet Lexa’s eyes “Well why don’t we just tweak how we met a little and kind of go from there”

 

“Kind of go from there?” Lexa asked shaking her head “Many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat, Clarke”

 

“What?” Clarke asked with a perplexed expression

 

“The Art of War” Lexa rolled her eyes “We need to have a good story or your mom is going to sniff this out straight away and you’ll be on a date with some guy you don’t like in Middleton for Christmas. I mean she’s a politician, she will figure it out”

 

“You’re right there”

 

“Up to you though” Lexa shrugged

 

“So you kept getting my mail, we spent lots of time together and it just naturally happened” Clarke shrugged “That’s not too far from the truth I guess”

 

“Okay” Lexa nodded “How long have we been together for?”

 

“Let’s just go with a month” Clarke shrugged

 

“Reasonable” Lexa nodded

 

“We’re just going to have to act like a couple” Clarke continued “And I don’t know how you’re going to go with that”

 

“I’m almost a lawyer, I can convince someone of something if I really want to I guess”

 

“Why are you doing this for me?”

 

“Why?” Lexa repeated

 

“You didn’t have to and I know I begged but you could have just as easily said no” Clarke pushed curiously “You _did_ say no at first”

 

“I do actually care, Clarke” Lexa answered “I mean, if I didn’t then why would I have brought you in here last night?”

 

“Okay well I will be repaying you for a few years, I’m sure” Clarke rolled her eyes

 

“So where are we meeting her?” Lexa asked, ignoring the obvious sarcasm in Clarke’s response

 

“We’re just going to the restaurant at her hotel” Clarke replied “So I should probably go and get ready”

 

“We both probably should” Lexa nodded

 

“She’s going to ask you questions” Clarke said “And you’re going to have to answer them”

 

“I know” Lexa replied “I’ll handle that”

 

“Again, thank you for this” Clarke replied as she stood from the couch

 

“Don’t thank me until we get through this weekend” Lexa shook her head with a small smile

 

\---

 

After getting ready very quickly, Lexa rushed out of her apartment to find Clarke walking out of hers and in the middle of locking her door.

 

Lexa smiled to herself as she watched the blonde struggle to pull the key out of her lock knowing that it tended to catch sometimes.

 

“Here” Lexa said as she walked to her keys, pushing them into the lock before pulling them out to drop them into the hand of the blonde “You have to be gentle with it or it will catch”

 

“Thanks” Clarke nodded as she paused looking to Lexa

 

The brunette looked down at herself and she paused also.

 

She had decided to go for the simple outfit of her denim jeans and back winter coat but topping it off with a black loose fitting beanie that she didn’t usually wear, opting to keep her glasses on for the occasion.

 

“What’s wrong?” Lexa looked back up to her neighbour

 

“Nothing” Clarke furrowed her eyebrows “You look nice”

 

“Thanks” Lexa replied, her eyes instinctively dropping to her feet quickly “We should go”

 

“Yeah” Clarke nodded as she dropped her keys into her bag and looped it over her shoulder

 

“We can’t keep your mom waiting for her daughter and fake girlfriend” Lexa said awkwardly as they began to walk down the hall towards the elevator “How long has it been since you saw your mom?”

 

“Maybe about 6 months?” Clarke replied “I went home at the start of summer for a little but I was pretty happy to just stay out here and work”

 

“Did she come and visit you?”

 

“She did” Clarke nodded

 

“Well it will be an honour to have dinner with a Mayor” Lexa replied “I mean she is responsible for 48,694 people according to the most recent census”

 

“Is that the exact number?” Clarke asked cocking an eyebrow

 

“I’m a law student, Clarke” Lexa smirked “I did some research into Middleton and made sure I knew what to talk about at dinner if we hit an awkward patch”

 

“I’m actually impressed” Clarke chuckled as they approached the elevator “Do you want to take the stairs?”

 

“No there’s no time for that and besides, if I’m talking to you I wont need to talk to anyone else” Lexa replied lightly, nudging the other girl very gently “Lesser of two evils”

 

“Hey” Clarke scolded jokingly

 

“I strive to be the best I can be at whatever I do” Lexa said with a nod as she pressed the button for the elevator “This is no exception and it’s not too often you get to have dinner with a mayor”

 

“I have dinner with her all the time” Clarke replied as she nudged the other girl back playfully “I’ll try and keep her away from any tough questions”

 

“Thanks” Lexa nodded as the elevator doors opened for them, Lexa waiting so Clarke could enter first

 

The slow elevator took them down to the ground floor and Lexa smiled to herself as she looked out to the still busy street through the lobby doors.

 

She loved the city she lived in.

 

New York bred people tough and how she grew up; earning everything she had proved that very theory.

 

She loved that the city lights made you feel like anything could happen.

 

That was also proved by the fact that she was walking to dinner with her neighbour to meet her mother while she pretended to be the blonde’s fake girlfriend.

 

That was something Lexa never imagined herself doing.

 

She didn’t think that many normal people would imagine themselves doing what she was about to.

 

As they walked through the lobby Lexa noticed that Gustus was standing by his office, talking to another resident but he paused when he saw them walking past.

 

He grinned and gestured to Clarke who wasn’t paying attention to him but Lexa only waved him off subtly with a frown.

 

“Your mom doesn’t have any grand plans for tomorrow does she?” Lexa asked curiously as she pushed the heavy door leading out to the street open, holding it for Clarke so she could exit first “Because I’m working pretty much all day tomorrow and I have some study to catch up on”

 

“Not that I know of” Clarke shook her head “I’ll let you know but she’ll probably want to hang out again with you”

 

“You know you could have just made up a fake relationship and pretended they were out of town or something” Lexa shook her head

 

“Yeah but she’s too smart to fall for that” Clarke shook her head

 

“And she’ll fall for this?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrows

 

“Well I sure hope so” Clarke laughed as she looked to the other girl and then back out to the pathway in front of her

 

Lexa felt an unusual nervousness within her body as they approached the hotel where Abby was staying.

 

The lady was a Mayor and from what Clarke had told her, she was a well-respected politician that she was blatantly lying to right to her face.

 

Though, Lexa also thought it a little weird that she found herself wanting to do well for Clarke’s sake as well. 

 

Lexa had charm, she had plenty of charm when she had to use it and she knew that it was one of those times.

 

She had to go into dinner thinking of it as a case, prepared to pull out all the stops she needed to in order to gain a favourable judgment.

 

As they entered the hotel, Lexa felt a cool hand taking her own and interlacing their fingers together.

 

Lexa’s eyes shot down to her hand immediately to see it now joined with Clarke’s who was looking at her with an awkward smile.

 

“We should probably act like a couple” Clarke reminded her with a small nod “Seeing as we are supposed to be one”

 

Lexa was dumbfounded, not because of how quickly Clarke had taken her hand or even by the contact that she wasn’t used to.

 

She was dumbfounded how well Clarke’s hand fit in her own and how comfortable the gesture actually felt to her.

 

Clarke pulled Lexa inside the restaurant where they found Abby seated at a table waiting for them with her phone in her hand and a smile on her face as she watched her daughter approach.

 

“I hope you’re both hungry because I know I am” Abby said looking between the two girls

 

“I hope we didn’t keep you waiting long” Lexa said politely as she felt Clarke’s now warm hand leave hers, swallowing thickly when she pulled Clarke’s chair out for her before taking her own seat   

 

“Not long at all” Abby shook her head “I only just sat down”

 

“It seems nice here” Clarke said looking around the room as she shrugged off her jacket

 

“The room is great” Abby nodded “Now you both order whatever you want, this is my treat for dragging you out here on a Friday night during your Thanksgiving break”

 

“I can’t let you pay for mine as well” Lexa shook her head

 

“Yes you can” Clarke replied raising her eyebrows “You’re my girlfriend and my mom is offering to pay for your dinner”

 

Lexa glanced at the blonde, sending her a small frown trying to convey the fact that she just didn’t feel right having Abby pay for her dinner when she was lying to her.

 

“You can and you will” Abby nodded happily as she looked down at the menu “Did you both have any plans tonight?”

 

“I would have just been studying tonight” Lexa shrugged

 

“But _we_ were thinking about having a movie night” Clarke interjected looking to the other girl quickly “We went out last night with my friends so we thought we’d have a quieter night so this is perfect”

 

Lexa grimaced subtly, flinching at the use of the word we in Clarke’s reply because after spending so many years going out of her way to stay unattached from anyone, it made her feel uneasy.

 

Even if it was just fake.

 

“So I hear you are in your last year of Law School, Lexa?” Abby asked raising her eyebrows as she looked up to the nervous brunette once more “That must be hard work”

 

“It is, it really is but I love it and I’ve never wanted to do anything else” Lexa shook her head “So I worked hard to win this academic scholarship and I’ve worked even harder to keep it”

 

“That is impressive” Abby nodded “Why Family Law though?”

 

“It just comes from the fact that I guess I want to help kids out who don’t think they have a voice and I want to be able to fight for them when no one else can. I want to look out for their best interests because I think that’s important” Lexa replied honestly “Obviously there’s the whole other side with divorces, custody disputes, paternity tests and everything else under the umbrella of family law that I’ll be across but what I mostly want to focus on are the kids”

 

“That’s very admirable of you” Abby replied with a small smile “You speak with a lot of passion too which is nice to hear”

 

“It’s why I work so hard” Lexa shrugged looking at Clarke for a moment to see a look of wonder on her face, a sparkle in her eye that made Lexa’s heart beat just that little bit faster

 

“And your parents must be very proud of that” Abby nodded “Is your family from New York or did this city take you from your home like it did my daughter?”

 

“You don’t need to interrogate her, Mom” Clarke said quickly with a frantic shake of her head “She didn’t come here for an interview”

 

“It’s just a question” Abby responded raising her eyebrows “I’m trying to get to know her seeing as you’ve told me nothing about her and I didn’t know that she existed until last night”

 

“That’s not her fault though” Clarke retorted “It’s mine”

 

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows as she watched the exchange; it was becoming clear as to where Clarke got her stubbornness from very quickly.

 

The brunette did appreciate how Clarke was trying to protect her; but she was also big enough to handle the situation herself.

 

“It’s okay” Lexa said with a shake of her head looking to her neighbour before turning to Abby “I am from New York, I grew up here but I’ve never known my parents. They gave me up when I was 4 and I moved around foster homes since then until I was 18”

 

“Okay now I see why Clarke was trying to get me to stop” Abby said painfully “I’m sorry Lexa”

 

“No it’s okay” Lexa replied “I didn’t tell you so you would feel sorry for me, I was just trying to answer your question”

 

“And you have had no contact with them?” Abby asked “You don’t know why they gave you up?”

 

“No” Lexa said simply as she looked down to her menu “But I’m not bothered, I’ve done an okay job on my own so far and I plan on continuing that way. I’ve just been lucky to have some help around me as I went”

 

“You’ve done a great job” Clarke chimed in honestly

 

Once their orders were taken Lexa sat back and let Clarke talk with her Mom without interruption, only vaguely listening to what was going on.

 

She took a sip of her water, looking around the room before her eyes fell back to a smiling Clarke as she listened to her Mom.

 

“What about you Lexa?” She heard Abby say and her attention was pulled right back to the older woman

 

“I’m sorry, my attention wandered” Lexa admitted

 

“I was just talking to Clarke about Christmas and wondering what you usually do” Abby replied “You’re more than welcome to come to Middleton if you want”

 

“Oh” Lexa furrowed her brow “Well thank you but I think I might be going to Miami, my friend has a relative with a house there. It’s good that you got to come out here though to visit Clarke for Thanksgiving, she fits in really well out here”

 

“I thought I probably should while I had a little time and just to make sure she’s okay” Abby nodded “Being Mayor keeps me pretty busy”

 

“I imagine it would” Lexa replied

 

“So how did you both meet?” Abby asked “Obviously you live next to each other but how you two end up together? Who asked who out?”

 

“I did” Both Clarke and Lexa said at the same time before they looked at each other, a silent pause passing between them

 

Somehow that was a detail that they had overlooked in the haze and confusion of the situation.

 

“Well we kind of both did” Clarke elaborated looking to Lexa who just looked at her awkwardly “Lexa kept getting my mail but we didn’t meet for a few weeks but obviously we did eventually and we just kept spending more time together from there. Officially though I’m pretty sure it was me who did the asking”

 

“I have to admit, I was a little skeptical when Clarke mentioned you last night on the phone” Abby began “I mean I kind of wondered why she didn’t say anything earlier if you have been together”

 

“Well I’m glad she told you eventually” Lexa said with a forced smile “You know how relationships are though; one minute you are meeting the parents and the next you could be broken up”

 

“That’s” Abby began was a furrowed brow

 

“Lexa” Clare interjected with an honest roll of her eyes

 

“I was going to say morbid” Abby said shaking her head 

 

Dinner went surprisingly well and smoothly from that point but Lexa felt that was mostly because she kept out of the conversation between the two as much as possible.

 

Once they had finished dinner, Clarke and Lexa walked Abby to the lobby of her hotel room before she hugged her daughter and said goodbye to Lexa then disappeared on her way up to her room.

 

The brunette sighed in relief as she saw the elevator doors close, feeling a weight fall off her shoulders as she turned around sharply to face the street outside.

 

“You _are_ going to be a lawyer” Clarke joked as they reached the doors, pushing it open for them both as the cool air struck them suddenly

 

“I have charm when I need it” Lexa mumbled “Your mom is great”

 

“You were pretty impressive, even I’ll admit that” Clarke replied as she tucked her hands into her pockets, ducking her head to avoid the wind against her nose “Though I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t pull out the population figure”

 

“I’ve got a whole weekend of being your fake girlfriend” Lexa joked dryly “Are you sure you weren’t going overboard with the whole control freak thing?”

 

“She’s just protective” Clarke said “That’s why she was asking so many questions”

 

“I got that” Lexa nodded “She’s definitely a politician though”

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that” Clarke replied looking to the brunette who waved her off faintly

 

“It’s fine” Lexa shrugged “She didn’t know and I really could have said whatever I wanted to but I thought maybe the truth could be the best avenue seeing as I’m lying to her about everything else”

 

“Well you’re not really” Clarke chuckled, her face sobering up after only a few steps further down the sidewalk “You don’t have to answer but can I ask you something?”

 

“You should just ask the question rather than asking if you can ask a question. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission” Lexa replied evenly

 

“Grace Hopper” Clarke noting the source of the quote Lexa had just spoke, impressing and surprising the brunette “Though I don’t know how much you’ll like that once I ask the question”

 

“It’s about my parents”

 

“Have you really never wanted to look for them?” Clarke asked quickly “Never?”

 

“I’m not going to look for the people who forced me to go from foster home to foster home for whatever reason they had so they can take credit for what I am today” Lexa replied sharply before exhaling deeply “I’ve experienced enough disappointment to know that it wouldn’t end any other way than that and I protect myself above anything else because I’ve always had to do that myself. I just want to look forward to the future, not dwell on my past and looking for something that I can’t change”

 

“It makes sense” Clarke replied quietly with a nod “It makes sense as to why you don’t really talk to many people either”

 

“Clarke I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed” Lexa commented “I know why I am the way I am”

 

“I’m sorry, I know” Clarke responded apologetically “You’re just a lot harder for everyone else to figure out”

 

“No one else needs to figure me out” Lexa shook her head

 

“Lexa I want to try and get to know you better and I think you want to let me so you just should” Clarke said bravely

 

“Clarke you aren’t in a position to try and negotiate right now considering I am faking being your girlfriend to for the weekend” Lexa retorted suddenly “Why I even considered this, I have no idea”

 

“Because you want to help me out and you know that” Clarke nodded “Your bark is worse than your bite too, I’ve learnt that much”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You” Clarke raised her eyebrows “I mean I get it, you’re a hard ass and you just don’t care but I think I’ve seen the other side of you. The other side that you hide and you might deny it but this side of you would have never taken a drunk girl from the hallway, even let her sleep in your bed if you didn’t have another side of you”

 

“You aren’t just a random drunk girl I found in the hallway” Lexa replied after a moment passed between them “That sounds like I’m a creep who just takes people in”

 

“What I’m saying is that you work really hard to put up this tough exterior but I think you have a soft spot inside” Clarke shrugged

 

“I do what I need to do in order to survive Clarke” Lexa said honestly “You don’t get far in this world with a _soft spot_ ”

 

“I’m not saying you have to be all mushy and sappy, I’m just saying that you have a soft side and I don’t think you should be afraid to show it” Clarke answered “And sometimes you do but when you realize you are showing it you kind of just go back into your shell”

 

“Remember how I said I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed?” Lexa responded quickly

 

“You are so frustrating” Clarke grumbled 

 

“Yeah well you’re not always a ray of sunshine yourself” Lexa shook her head with a sigh

 

The rest of the quick walk back to their apartment complex was silent.

 

Lexa’s mood went from okay as you could be faking a relationship to terrible after their little conversation on the way home.

 

She didn’t like that Clarke was trying to challenge her and call her out on her own personality.

 

She didn’t like how Clarke pushed her and persisted with the conversation even after Lexa told her no more.

 

What she didn’t like the most was how Clarke was correct.

 

The silence continued right up until they reached their respective doors, Lexa pulled her keys from her pockets as she heard the other girl open her door quickly and moved to take a step inside her apartment.

 

“Clarke wait” Lexa said suddenly, turning her body to face the other girl who was halfway inside her door already “Why do you care?”

 

“Why do I care?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows in confusion

 

“Why do you care enough to want to get to know me?” Lexa asked “I’m unpleasant on purpose yet you still persist”

 

“Because I know you’re being unpleasant on purpose and I’m trying to prove that you don’t need to” Clarke shrugged

 

“Usually it works too” Lexa admitted “Usually people just get the picture and they don’t want to deal with me”

 

“Well I’m a little more stubborn than the average person” Clarke said with a small smile “And you’re worth trying to get to know properly so I’m going to keep trying”

 

“I’m not going to be good at this whole relationship thing, even if it fake because I’ve never really had one” Lexa admitted as she joined her hands awkwardly in front of her

 

“You’re doing fine” Clarke shrugged

 

“I do want to tell you things” Lexa said slowly as she avoided eye contact from Clarke and looking down to her feet “I just don’t know how to do that”

 

“You’ve already started to” Clarke said with a small sigh “I know how hard it must be for you so I don’t want to push you. I just don’t want you to go back into your shell tomorrow after you tell me this”

 

“I might” Lexa said honestly “I am trying”

 

“And I appreciate you doing that” Clarke replied “It’s just a little hard because you’re really not easy to read”

 

“I kissed you back, didn’t I?” Lexa asked

 

“And then you ignored me for days” Clarke responded quickly “Having a soft spot or letting someone in doesn’t make you weak Lexa, I think it makes you strong”

 

“I’m just not sure I’m capable of that” Lexa replied honestly

 

“I just feel like when you take one step forward you take two backwards after” Clarke nodded with a sad smile “Goodnight Lexa”

 

“Goodnight Clarke” Lexa said quietly as she watched Clarke take a step into her apartment and close the door behind her and hearing it lock with a soft click 

 

There she was, not for the first time, standing alone in the hallway after Clarke had gone inside to her apartment.

 

At that moment Lexa did kind of want to find her parents and she wanted to get angry at them for causing her to be so emotionally unavailable.

 

Though she knew really it came down to her choices, she wanted someone to blame when she should have just been blaming herself.

 

She cared about the blonde next door.

 

She really cared about her and it was scary.

 

She cared enough to bring her into her own apartment and take care of her when she was drunk.

 

She cared about her enough to pretend to be her fake girlfriend for the weekend.

 

Clarke made her angry or frustrated a lot but that’s only because the blonde was fighting to understand her and she wasn’t going to let Lexa’s stubbornness win out.

 

So why couldn’t Lexa just let Clarke win?

 

She cursed herself, shutting her eyes tightly once more as her hands squeezed together in front of her.

 

She needed to get herself together.

 

She begrudgingly pushed her way into her apartment, closing the door quickly and locking it loudly.

 

Lexa marched right to the couch and turned the TV on, knowing she had study to do still but needed to calm down before she did anything that could produce substance.

 

\---

 

Hours later, Lexa had fallen asleep in front of the TV on her couch.

 

She was unable to do anything without her brain practically screaming at her so she tried to watch documentaries to keep her mind at the very least slightly distracted.

 

Her peacefulness ended though when she jolted awake suddenly upon hearing a loud crash and thud.

 

She sat up, looking around her apartment that was illuminated from the TV but didn’t see anything different and thankfully didn’t see anyone else.

 

Lexa then heard muffled swearing coming from next door, Clarke sounded like she was in pain.

 

Lexa sat up quickly before she hesitated for a moment, wondering whether Clarke would actually want her help if she offered.

 

After another thud though, Lexa knew she had to go anyway and see if her neighbour was okay.

 

Her vision turned black causing her to pause for a moment while her head recovered from the sudden movement before she stood, her bare feet padding along the cool ground quietly whilst moving to her door.

 

The brunette exited her apartment swiftly before knocking on the door quietly, seeing the light turn on under the door. 

 

A very sleepy looking Clarke stood in front of her, her hair tied up in a messy bun and a long, loose fitting shirt that went just past her upper thighs was the only thing covering her body

 

“I just wanted to see if you were okay” Lexa rasped as she squinted in the newfound brightness, swallowing thickly “Sounded like you had a bit of an argument with something inside”

 

“I came out to get some water and I walked straight into my bookshelf” Clarke admitted with her nod, her voice only just above a whisper

 

“So you’re all good?” Lexa asked

 

“Yeah, I just knocked a few things over but I’m fine” Clarke replied “Did I wake you?”

 

“Yeah but I fell asleep on the couch anyway” Lexa said awkwardly

 

“Okay well the neighbours are going to hate me enough for waking them up” Clarke began “So I better not let them hate me even more by talking outside my apartment at 1am”

 

She started to close the door after taking a step backwards and Lexa’s heart rate lifted slightly.

 

“Wait, I know I was a jerk earlier. I’m sorry. I don’t usually care what other people think of me, if I offend them or rub them the wrong way but I do with you”

 

“It’s fine Lexa, honestly” Clarke said shaking her head “It doesn’t matter”

 

“Yes it does, I just don’t like when someone tries to psychoanalyze me. I know I have a guard up, I do it on purpose but I don’t need anyone to try and tell me what I’m thinking and why I’m thinking it”

 

“I was only trying to figure you out for my sake” Clarke shook her head with a frustrated sigh “You’re just difficult to read”

 

“Weirdly though I think you actually read me pretty well” Lexa responded quietly

 

“My mom sent me a text saying how you were pretty delightful and smart” Clarke confessed “She said that she enjoyed dinner with you”

 

“I don’t think anyone has ever called me delightful” Lexa chuckled

 

“I’d believe that” Clarke mumbled dryly

 

“Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry” Lexa said quietly “And I just wanted to see if you were okay”

 

“Thanks” Clarke said with a small smile

 

Lexa’s eyes wandered to Clarke’s lips, having a quick flashback of their kiss earlier in the week and remembering the feeling of the blonde’s lips against hers.

 

She remembered the warm feeling of Clarke’s body pressed into hers when it was flush up against her own and it sent a shiver down her spine.

 

Lexa swallowed thickly once more, noticing that Clarke’s eyes were moving between her eyes and her lips as well.

 

The brunette could basically feel the magnetization of their bodies as they stood in front of each other, she felt that pull again like she had felt way too many times before when she was only talking with the other girl.

 

If Lexa were brave like Clarke she would have stepped right into the blonde, kissing her fiercely, capturing her lips by surprise while they were standing in the doorway.

 

She would pin Clarke against her wall and hold her waist tightly with one hand, gripping the fabric of her cotton shirt while tangling it between her fingers.

 

Using her other hand to cup Clarke’s cheek delicately, trying to push the other girl as close as she could manage because the even thought of separation between their bodies would make her ache.

 

Lexa should have reached out and shown her how she felt right then and there because Lexa knew Clarke wanted the same thing.

 

The brunette knew that Clarke wouldn’t move though considering what happened last time and how Lexa panicked.

 

The risk was great.

 

Lexa knew the reward could prove to be greater as she felt her fingers tingle by her sides, wanting to touch the skin of the younger girl.

 

She wanted to feel that warmth once more.

 

She craved it more than anything in that moment.

 

But she wouldn’t and she couldn’t.

 

‘Not yet’ Lexa told herself

 

Not yet.

 

Instead of taking that step forward, she took two backwards.

 

Whether that was symbolic or not, she wasn’t sure but she needed to create some separation between them.

 

Just enough to think clearly.

 

Lexa just needed to get through the weekend and not let her feelings get clouded up in what was real and what wasn’t.

 

Lexa wasn’t like other girls, she came with a few more complications, which Clarke was beginning to discover, but she just hoped the blonde could understand.

 

“Well turn a light on next time” Lexa joked awkwardly

 

“I will do that” Clarke replied, too tired to smile “Goodnight again”

 

“Night” Lexa nodded

 

Clarke closed the door softly and Lexa stayed in the hallway like she had previously that night.

 

Instead of feeling the warmth, she felt the cold.

 

She hated how Clarke made her feel.

 

She hated how Clarke made her think.

 

Because she didn’t hate Clarke at all, she couldn’t.

 

She knew everything the blonde said to her and challenged her with was right.

 

She should have tried to kiss the other girl; she wanted to kiss the other girl.

 

She just couldn’t push herself to do it and there she was standing outside her apartment for the second time that night.

 

Clarke made Lexa not want to be so guarded but she didn’t know how to do that but she should have at least tried.

 

She didn’t need to think it; she didn’t need to say it because she already knew.

 

_Stupid Lexa_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> I'm going away for a work conference on Monday but I should have the next chapter up by Sunday hopefully anyway :) 
> 
> Have a great weekend


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all the best and thank you again for the love and feedback you give me! You guys put a smile on my face :) 
> 
> This chapter is massive so I hope you don't mind a long chapter. 
> 
> I'm going away for a couple of days for a conference but the flight times should give me a chance to get some writing in so hopefully I will be able to update very soon! 
> 
> Let me know what you think :)

Lexa hardly got any sleep that night.

 

She tossed and turned for a while but mostly spent her night staring up at the ceiling like she had so many other times ever since Clarke had moved in next door.

 

She was almost just waiting for her alarm to go off so she could get up and go do something to take her mind away where it was focused.

 

That focus was on apartment 1812 of course and the girl who was literally just a paper-thin wall away. 

 

Lexa was going to try and do what Clarke had asked.

 

She was going to try and not retreat into her shell so much around her neighbour if she could help it.

 

The brunette was going to try, for Clarke’s sake she was going to push herself to try.

 

She knew though that something as difficult as opening up was much easier said than done.

 

Once her alarm did sound though, she cursed it endlessly with the saying of be careful what you wish for ringing painfully true to her at that moment.

 

The lack of sleep hitting her as soon as she walked out of her apartment at 8am on a Saturday morning to open the bookstore.

 

She was working with Anya that morning and was taking most of the afternoon shift as well while Anya’s parents attended a family function.

 

She was happy to cover, she needed the money but it also gave her a little time away from her apartment to not think about Clarke.

 

Lexa did that enough without being next door to her 24/7 and practically hearing every movement she made.

 

The cold air hit Lexa like a brick wall as she walked out into the street, waking her up almost instantly as she ducked her head down and tucked her hands into her pockets tightly.

 

She hardly looked up until she reached her work, where she could see Anya already sitting inside on the register while reading the back cover of a thick book.

 

The brunette tapped on the door lightly, causing Anya to jump slightly as she was pulled out of her own little world.

 

Lexa pointed down to the door, still hunched over in the cold while looking at Anya who simply shook her head and gestured for Lexa to use her own key to let herself in.

 

She grumbled crankily to herself as she dug her hands into her pocket, pulling out her keys and letting herself in.

 

“So you couldn’t let me in?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrows, pulling the hood of her jacket from her head quickly

 

“You had keys” Anya shrugged before pausing “You look awful”

 

“Thanks” Lexa noted with sarcasm “Good to see you too”

 

“You just look tired” Anya replied shaking her head “Everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, I just didn’t get much sleep last night but it’s fine” Lexa nodded “It’s just been a long weekend so far”

 

“It’s Saturday and you haven’t had any classes since Tuesday” Anya cocked an eyebrow “Do I need to be worried about you?”

 

“No” Lexa said simply “There’s just a lot going on”

 

“Are you going to tell me what a lot is?” Anya asked

 

“Later” Lexa yawned as she moved towards the back “I’m going to put my bag away and maybe I will tell you after I wake up a little”

 

\---

 

Lexa didn’t really speak much that morning at all; she was far too tired and mentally drained to hold a conversation with even Anya.

 

She had given herself the task of fulfilling a few online orders while Anya was on the register, trying to find something for herself to do while she was in between customers.

 

The doorbell chimed quietly as Lexa stood out the back looking for a book that had been on back order for the particular online customer.

 

Lexa heard mumblings of a conversation out in the store before she heard Anya pause.

 

“Lexa”

 

Lexa sighed quietly herself, not wanting to deal with anyone from her world let alone the outside world.

 

She put the few books she had in her hand down on the desk before moving out to the store, pausing for just a moment as she saw Clarke standing by the register.

 

“Clarke” Lexa greeted with a surprised tone, a small smile appearing on her lips

 

“Hey” Clarke nodded “Do you think I could borrow you for a second?”

 

“Oh, I’m working” Lexa furrowed her eyebrows

 

“We’re not swamped” Anya replied with a smirk before looking to Clarke “You can borrow her for a few minutes”

 

“It’s too cold to stand outside, come out the back” Lexa conceded as she gestured to the back room where she had just been

 

“Thanks” Clarke nodded sheepishly to Anya before Lexa lead the way to the back room

 

Once Lexa had closed the door behind them she turned slowly, resting her hands behind her back as she leaned against the desk and the pile of books she had only just placed down.

 

“You look tired” Clarke said quickly “You okay?”

 

“I’m fine” Lexa replied quietly with a nod “Can I ask why you needed to talk to me?”

 

“Did you actually hate me when I first said you were going to hate me for telling my mom we were together?” Clarke asked

 

“Did I hate you?” Lexa asked raising an eyebrow skeptically “Clarke did you come here just to ask me that?”

 

“Did you hate me?”

 

“No” Lexa replied shaking her head with a look of confusion etched on her face “Of course not”

 

“Because you might this time” Clarke added cautiously

 

“Oh god, what did you tell her?” Lexa asked “Did you tell her we were engaged or something? Because that is a step way too far”

 

“No, that’s insane” Clarke said with wide eyes

 

“So what is it then?” Lexa asked

 

“Well I was trying to get you out of hanging with my mom again tonight so I kind of said that we were doing something with my friends but my mom knows my friends so it’s kind of backfired on me” Clarke said awkwardly “She wants to come and hang out with us all now for dinner and see them which means I need you to come with”

 

“Nope” Lexa said as soon as the last word of Clarke’s sentence left her mouth “Absolutely not”

 

“Please Lexa, I would really appreciate it” Clarke said “At least just think about it. I’ve told my friends about it already and they’re going to meet us out. I promise that I won’t leave your side and even if you are just there for an hour we can pretend you have to be somewhere”

 

“I have a lot of study to catch up on, Clarke” Lexa shook her head “Besides, aren’t you concerned that you’re now bringing your friends into this and having them lie to your mom?”

 

“Yes of course I am and I know how ridiculous this is but she is going home tomorrow and that will be the absolute end of it” Clarke replied firmly “We’re going to that bar we were both at the other night, at around 7”

 

“Your mom wants to go hang out with your friends at a bar?” Lexa raised her eyebrows “For a politician she is very relaxed”

 

“She likes my friends and wants to see them, that place actually has really good food” Clarke shrugged “But she also wants to see whether she can get anything out of them to use as ammunition to try and convince me to go home”

 

“And your friends agreed to go along with this?” Lexa questioned

 

“I know I’m digging a deeper hole here but yeah, they did” Clarke nodded

 

“Clarke I know I said I was going to try and not go straight back into my shell but can you see how this is just a bit too much?” Lexa asked

 

“I know and I hate myself for asking this of you but I would really appreciate it”

 

“I can’t, Clarke” Lexa said shaking her head “For starters I don’t know anything about your friends or even their names besides Raven and Octavia only because you have mentioned them in passing”

 

“Well I was going to give you a crash course” Clarke shrugged

 

“Clarke I have to get back to work” Lexa said quietly “I’m sorry but I can’t come tonight”

 

“Well you know where we are and what time if you change your mind” Clarke said with a nod “Sorry for disturbing you at work”

 

Lexa exhaled deeply at the look of disappointment that Clarke tried to hide, her chest tightening at the expression of the other girl.

 

That was too much though, what Clarke was asking was too much.

 

Meeting her friends would be pushing herself just a step too far.

 

Lexa opened the door for Clarke to leave and she didn’t really hesitate, she moved straight away towards the front of the bookstore.

 

The brunette closed the door behind her as she watched Clarke go to exit the store only to have Costia open the door to enter right in front of her.

 

Lexa paused as she watched Clarke eye Costia cautiously for just a moment, Costia smiling politely at the other girl before holding the door out for her so she could exit.

 

An icy breeze pushed through the door taking Clarke along with it, Lexa took a further step forward so she could watch the girl she had been thinking about all night walk away safely down the street.

 

“I take it you and the hot blonde are talking then?” Costia said raising her eyebrows

 

“You know her name is Clarke but yeah” Lexa nodded while folding her arms tightly to her chest “We’re talking”

 

“That’s it?” Anya asked “That’s all you’re going to say?”

 

“I think I’ve gotten myself into some trouble” Lexa admitted quietly after deliberating for a moment

 

Costia and Anya exchanged a glance before they both looked towards their younger friend who was still standing in the middle of the store awkwardly.

 

“Come here” Costia said with a sigh “And bring a chair”

 

\---

 

Lexa told them about the whole Abby/Clarke situation and at first Lexa’s confession was met with the loud sound of laughter.

 

They didn’t think that their friend would agree to anything half as crazy as what she had agreed to so of course they thought it was a big joke.

 

Though upon seeing Lexa’s very unimpressed expression they quickly figured out that what she had told them was true.

 

After confirming that the story she had told them was completely accurate, they all sat in silence for what felt like an eternity for Lexa.

 

She had hoped a customer would come in and rescue her from the humiliation she thought she was about to face from her friends and from the awkwardness she felt just sitting in front of them.

 

It was probably the one time she wanted a stranger towalk into the store so she could help them.   


“So you’re in a fake relationship?” Costia asked raising her eyebrows

 

“For the weekend” Lexa cringed “I know, it’s so stupid but it just happened really quickly and I couldn’t say no to her”

 

“You could have easily said no” Anya said shaking her head

 

“The night before you were content on ignoring her for the rest of your life” Costia chuckled “Clarke has some excellent skills and I would like to talk to her”

 

“I don’t know why I agreed to help her; I don’t know why I went to dinner with them last night” Lexa shook her head as she covered her eyes with her hands

 

“You like her” Costia shrugged “It isn’t complicated”

 

“I do care about her, I can admit that and I am going to try and open up to her a little more if I can but she’s asked me to go out with her friends tonight because her mom will be there” Lexa said looking up at her friends again

 

“But they all know that you aren’t actually together?” Anya questioned

 

“Apparently so” Lexa answered

 

“So then it isn’t that complicated” Costia shrugged “I mean you are already up to your neck in this little situation so you might as well dive right in”

 

“You know she doesn’t dive right in though” Anya counted “Lexa’s more of a put your toes in first, then one leg at a time but probably no further kind of person”

 

“While that was confusing” Lexa crinkled her eyebrows in thought “It’s correct, I don’t know how to dive into something and I’m not really willing to. I just think that meeting all of her friends on a lie is too much”

 

“What do you like about this girl?” Costia asked “Why do you like Clarke?”

 

“Clarke has never pitied me, she challenges me to think differently even when I don’t want to” Lexa said honestly “She’s just everything that I’m not and can’t be”  

 

“Wow you _do_ like her”  Costia raised her eyebrows with a grin “That was so adorable though, you have to go tonight”

 

“There are too many variables that I don’t know about for me to go tonight” Lexa shook her head “I don’t know her friends, I don’t know their lives and who knows what Clarke has said compared to what I will say”

 

“You always do that” Costia said “You always say something positive but then cover it up by something negative”

 

“Costia I have never had my heart broken by my choice for a specific reason” Lexa said carefully “I don’t let people in close enough for that to happen”

 

“But she’s already there” Anya replied “She asked for your help so why don’t you just go. You probably don’t need to stay long but you already said yes to doing this whole thing”

 

“I doubt she would ask you if she didn’t need it” Costia shrugged “I mean you practically broadcast that you are emotionally unavailable”

 

“I know this is tough love but that’s a little harsh” Lexa replied quickly

 

“Do you have her number?” Anya asked

 

“Yeah of course I do”

 

“So call her and tell her you are going” Anya shrugged

 

“No”

 

\---

 

She spent the rest of her shift thinking about her plans that night.

 

About the fact that she didn’t really have any and she wanted to keep it that way.

 

Lexa didn’t want to go and meet Clarke’s friends; she had no need to meet Clarke’s friends.

 

Lexa didn’t want to go and spend more time with Abby because she felt bad enough as it was lying to her as it was.

 

The only reason she considered going was because Clarke had asked for her help once more.

 

The brunette knew that Clarke had well and truly used up her quota of favours in anyone’s book let alone hers but she still wanted to help the girl.

 

It was too much though, what she was asking was too much.

 

It was 6:30 by the time Lexa had even gotten back to her apartment and she was hoping that she wouldn’t find Clarke standing on her door, waiting for her.

 

Thankfully she didn’t.

 

When she set her bag down, closing the door behind her and pausing as she looked around her empty apartment.

 

It was quiet, it was just what Lexa needed after the last few days she had experienced.

 

She took a long, hot shower before changing into her pajamas; happy with her decision to stay home and study.

 

Lexa positioned herself next to the coffee table in front of the couch, spreading her text books and notebooks in front of her as she settled in for a night of study.

 

That was until she noticed the small piece of paper near her door that she had either missed when she first walked in or it wasn’t there at all beforehand.

 

“You don’t need to read it, Lexa. You know what it is about” Lexa grumbled to herself as she pulled her pen from her notebook, tucking it behind her ear

 

Her eyes glanced to the paper once more and she groaned, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to concentrate until she went to check what the paper said.

 

She shifted a book off her lap, standing slowly before approaching the paper on the floor.

 

It was upside down but she could already see the black ink that had leaked through the paper.

 

Bending down she picked up the note, turning it over quickly to take in the message.

 

_‘I know I’m asking too much but I just need you for an hour. This is an official IOU letter! Cash in at any time’ – Clarke Griffin_

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows, the note was pretty cute and she had to admit that.

 

She stood at the front of her apartment, her foot tapping as she thought very rapidly.

 

Lexa knew she really shouldn’t go, she didn’t even want to go but Clarke clearly thought she needed her help.

 

7 weeks ago she would have scoffed at the situation she was staring down the barrel of.

 

7 _days_ ago she would have scoffed for the very same reason.

 

Clarke had helped her when she needed, forgiven her when she probably shouldn’t have and listened to her when she needed to be listened to.

 

Yes, Clarke had already asked a lot of her and knew she was pushing for anything else but she knew if she needed something then Clarke would do it for her no questions asked.

 

She walked to the coffee table, picking up her phone to see the time was 7:02pm.

 

Also noting she had several messages from Costia and Anya harassing her about going to meet up with Clarke tonight but she chose to ignore those for the time being.

 

Lexa rushed to her wardrobe, quickly changing into the first thing that she thought would look half decent and moved out the door.

 

The wind was howling outside, as soon as she stepped out the doors of her apartment complex she regretted her decision.

 

She felt her toes freeze instantly in her boots and her fingers began to feel numb.

 

She didn’t remember it being that cold when she came home from work.

 

Lexa had to walk fast, convinced that she would freeze to death if she didn’t keep moving at a very high speed.

 

She pulled her phone from her pocket, wincing as her hand left the warmth and selected Clarke’s name on her phone to call.

 

Lexa turned the corner, walking towards the bar as Clarke’s phone began to ring

 

“Lexa” Clarke greeted, the sounds of loud chatter filling up the background

 

“I’m outside, I need you to come out so I can talk to you before I go in” Lexa said simply

 

“Did you just say you’re outside?” Clarke paused

 

“It’s freezing so please hurry” Lexa’s teeth chattered, hanging up the phone instantly and shoving her hand back in her pocket

 

As soon as she arrived out the front of the bar, she saw Clarke push the door open while pulling her jacket onto her shoulders.

 

“I actually have no idea what I am doing here” Lexa said awkwardly

 

“I take it you saw my note then?” Clarke asked with a small smile

 

“How is this going to work?” Lexa asked quickly

 

“My friends know what’s going on and I did just mention that you were on your way” Clarke nodded “Just stay for an hour and then you can go but I really appreciate this”

 

“Is this really that important for your mom to see me hanging out with them?”

 

“She thinks we’re one big group so kind of” Clarke nodded as she reached over to take Lexa’s hand in her own, Lexa hoped Clarke missed the sharp exhale that left her mouth when their fingers interlaced “I’ll be next to you the whole time”

 

“I’m not a child, Clarke” Lexa replied weakly

 

“I know but I just know that this will be difficult” Clarke shrugged “You ready?”

 

“No” Lexa replied with a nod “But let’s go”

 

With her hand in Clarke’s and their fingers joined, she wasn’t going to change her mind.

 

Her heartbeat increased but she tried to calm herself as Clarke pulled Lexa towards her group of friends, recognizing a few from the other night when she had been there last.

 

She spotted the raven-haired boy first, he looking at her with a firm gaze and his jaw clenched.

 

Lexa thought she might have her hands full with him but everyone else was smirking at her, knowing how awkward this was going to be but Clarke must have meant a lot for them to go along with this.

 

“Alex!” One of the girls called cheerfully

 

“Raven I think you mean Lexa” Clarke corrected with wide eyes

 

“That’s what I said, wasn’t it?” She asked with an awkward expression before scoffing “Lexa, who I have definitely met before”

 

“I’m glad you could come out” Abby said with a smile “Clarke told me you couldn’t make it”

 

“I have a lot of study to do so I can’t really stay long” Lexa shook her head “But I figured since everyone’s here, I might as well make an appearance”

 

“Really great of you” The Raven haired boy noted with an even expression

 

Clarke sat down at the table, gesturing for Lexa to sit down next to her and she followed.

 

As soon as they sat down Clarke let go of Lexa’s hand slowly, leaving her feeling strangely exposed in the situation.

 

“We should have look at what to order then so you can get back soon then” Abby said with a small smile as she looked down at the menu “So the other side of this place is just a bar?”

 

“Yeah we come here a lot” The girl who was sitting across from Clarke replied “When Clarke and I lived together we used to spend more time here than I should probably admit”

 

“That’s Octavia, my old roommate and that’s her boyfriend Lincoln” Clarke leaned over and whispered into Lexa’s ear, the closeness as well as Clarke’s warm breath against her skin almost causing her to freeze up

 

Lexa only nodded silently as her eyes shot down to her lap before glancing up at Lincoln in front of her

 

“But we still come here a lot” Raven shrugged “With Lexa too”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend as she looked down to the menu

 

“I appreciate you all spending your Saturday night with me and letting me crash your night” Abby said “I already took over Clarke and Lexa’s Friday night”

 

“We love hanging with you Abby” Raven replied grinning “I feel important eating with a Mayor”

 

“It’s only a small town” Abby chuckled “You guys should visit one day; I’m still hoping to get Lexa here to come for Christmas”

 

“I’m pretty sure she’s better off going to Miami” Clarke shook her head

 

“Miami?” Octavia asked “Can we all come too?”

 

“I am looking forward to getting away from the cold for a little while” Lexa nodded 

 

Lexa felt extremely out of place in the group of friends she was sitting with.

 

Though they all seemed nice, it was awkward coming in and never meeting them but having to pretend that she knew them well.

 

She still didn’t know everyone’s name and she was sure that the guy with raven hair at the end of the table was trying to stare a hole in her.

 

After they ordered Abby’s phone began to ring so she stood from the table, excusing herself before taking the call at the side of the room.

 

Lexa felt as if she could breathe a little easier for a moment when Abby left the table because at least everyone left at the table was on the same page.

 

“So this is going awkwardly well” Raven said through the silence as soon as Abby was away from earshot

 

“You called her Alex” Clarke said suddenly

 

“Well I don’t know” Raven shrugged “I was saying Lexa to myself and then it came out as Alex. It’s got to be short for something, right?”

 

“It’s just Lexa” The law student shrugged

 

“I’m Octavia by the way, this is my boyfriend Lincoln and that brooding guy up the end is my brother Bellamy” Octavia said politely “I have to say that I totally don’t envy you”

 

“Nice to meet you all” Lexa said evenly before looking to Bellamy with a similar hard expression to his on her face

 

“You two can brood together” Octavia said with wide eyes

 

“Clarke I think your mom wants you” Raven said pointing behind her, which caused everyone to look at Abby who was signaling for Clarke to go to her while she was still on the phone

 

Clarke shook her head but Abby persisted with a stern expression

 

“I’ll be right back” Clarke said, placing her hand on Lexa’s knee and squeezing it tightly as she looked to her with an apologetic expression before turning to her friends “I’m going to ask her what you say to her when I come back so behave”

 

Lexa groaned inwardly as she watched Clarke stand and leave her alone with her friends, turning back to the table to see everyone’s eyes on her.

 

“So, Lexa” Octavia began awkwardly “Uh Law School, huh?”

 

“I’m in my last year” Lexa answered simply

 

“Should we cut to the chase?” Raven asked after a pause at the table, looking around her friends who all nodded before turning back to Lexa “Let’s just cut to it to save us all some trouble. Why are you doing this?”

 

“Why am _I_ doing this?” Lexa asked with a raised eyebrow

 

“Why are you suddenly helping her with Abby when you kissed her and you just ignored her for days?” Raven questioned

 

“So you know about that” Lexa sighed

 

“And we know that it upset our friend when you left here with another girl on Thursday night” Bellamy added “She was having a good time until then”

 

“That was my friend and I explained that to Clarke yesterday morning, I was just walking her home” Lexa said calmly “You don’t know anything about me to be questioning me like this”

 

“That’s why we want to know why you are doing this” Raven pushed with a shrug “For someone who didn’t want to kiss her you seem to be sending some pretty strong mixed signals”

 

“I understand that you want to protect Clarke but what exactly am I gaining personally for participating in this?” Lexa questioned “Besides inconvenience and awkwardness, what am I gaining from agreeing to be placed in this situation?”

 

“Well personally I think you are playing games” Bellamy answered 

 

“Why would I play a game?” Lexa raised her eyebrows “I told you, I don’t have anything to gain from this. I’m only here because Clarke asked for my help, just like she asked for yours”

 

“So why did you ignore her for days then?” Raven asked shaking her head “I don’t think you’re playing games, Bellamy is just paranoid but why did you just ignore her?”

 

“Sorry about that” Abby said sitting back at the table with a polite smile “Just had Clarke’s grandparents call”

 

Lexa’s jaw remained clenched, which didn’t go unnoticed by Clarke as she sat back down next to the brunette.

 

“Everything okay?” Clarke asked quietly

 

“It’s fine” Lexa nodded as she turned to the blonde, smiling awkwardly before she sighed “It’s totally fine”

 

\---

 

Lexa stayed for dinner and dinner only before she decided to go home, much to Abby’s disappointment but she understood.

 

She wasted no time shutting herself in her apartment and burying her head in her study, getting back into her comfort zone while looking through a few old cases her professor had given out to look at over the break.

 

Lexa wondered if she was the only one who was actually working over the thanksgiving break but then again she didn’t really care because she was the one on the academic scholarship.

 

There was a soft knock; she paused momentarily before making her way to the door with her textbook in her hand still and a pen in her mouth.

 

“I’ve come with a peace offering” Clarke said as soon as the door opened, holding a large brown paper bag in her hands “I found a bakery that was still open and I probably bought every pastry they had. Now I just hope you like pastries otherwise I’ll go out right now and get something else”

 

“I do like pastries” Lexa said with a small smile after she removed the pen from her mouth “You didn’t have to bring me anything”

 

“I kind of feel like I do though” Clarke replied “I mean you came out to dinner with my friends and I saw the look on your face when I came back to the table so something obviously happened”

 

“It’s fine” Lexa shook her head “You can come in if you want”

 

“I probably shouldn’t” Clarke shook her head, holding the bag out for Lexa to take “Thank you again for coming tonight; you should hopefully be off fake girlfriend duty now with my mom going home tomorrow”

 

“Okay” Lexa nodded, taking the bag slowly “Thanks”

 

“I don’t know what my tally for owing you is right now but hopefully these pastries will take a little off my debt” Clarke smiled awkwardly before backing away from the door

 

“Depends on what you got me” Lexa joked quietly “Goodnight Clarke”

 

“Night Lexa” Clarke smiled

 

Lexa took a step backwards as she closed her door gently but stayed in place while looking at the paper bag in her hands.

 

She opened the bag, her eyes widening at the number of small pastries in the bag and figured she wouldn’t need to leave her apartment if worst came to worst for at least a few days thanks to Clarke.

 

The brunette knew that there was no way she could eat all of those alone and if she tried she would become one ill woman.

 

Lexa reached her hand to her door handle, turning it and opening the door only to see Clarke standing there once more with her arm up to knock and a startled look on her face.

 

“I’m not sure who you think I am but there’s no way I can eat these alone” Lexa shook her head

 

“I’ll make you a deal” Clarke said as she dropped her arm to her side quickly “My keys are stuck in the door again so if you help me get them out I will help you eat those pastries”

 

“That’s a pretty good deal for you” Lexa smiled watching the corners of Clarke’s mouth twitch in a soft smile

 

“We can eat them in my apartment” Clarke raised her eyebrows

 

“Wow, you’re inviting me in” Lexa replied sarcastically

 

“When you see the mess you will see why I haven’t invited you in before” Clarke answered “Do we have a deal?”

 

“Yeah, okay” Lexa answered with a nod

 

She grabbed her keys from her coffee table, locking her door from the inside and closing it behind her as she stepped out into the hallway.

 

Clarke was already standing inside her apartment and Lexa had to pause as she looked inside of the apartment.

 

It couldn’t have been more different from hers if it were possible.

 

Clarke’s apartment was bright and vibrant; colours were used correctly to give the old apartment a little more life.

 

Beautiful paintings were lined on the walls and her furniture was just as warm and inviting as the rest of the apartment.

 

“Do we live in the same building?” Lexa asked raising her eyebrow as she looked around

 

“I worked hard to make it a home” Clarke said with a small smile

 

The next thing Lexa noticed was the organized mess; the bookshelf that Clarke had crashed into still wasn’t set up correctly, there were papers and textbooks covering her floor and a desk on the far side of the living room.

 

The kitchen sink was stacked with drying dishes and Clarke’s bedroom door was closed, so she could only imagine what that looked like.

 

The layout to her apartment was the exact same but that was the only similarity the two apartments shared.

 

Lexa’s focus returned to the task at hand, easily loosening the keys from the door that Clarke had struggled with and holding them out for the other girl to take.

 

“You have to push in first” Lexa repeated from the last time the same thing happened

 

“I did but it just wouldn’t come out” Clarke shrugged, closing the door before turning her TV on and gesturing for Lexa to sit down on the cream coloured, large couch

 

“This is kind of like a cloud” Lexa chuckled as she sat down

 

“It’s pretty comfy” Clarke laughed as she pulled a blanket up from the floor, throwing it over the brunette next to her as well as herself

 

“These paintings are pretty awesome” Lexa said looking around the room

 

“Thank you” Clarke grinned as she picked up the remote to change the channel “I painted the one in the kitchen only a week ago”

 

“Wait, you painted these?”

 

“All of them” Clarke said proudly

 

“They’re amazing” Lexa said raising her eyebrows

 

“They’re okay” Clarke shrugged modestly “So I think there pastries involved in this deal?”

 

“Right” Lexa nodded to herself as she put the bag in between them on the couch

 

Lexa opened the bag, offering Clarke the first selection who eagerly accepted before pulling out what looked to be a small glazed donut.

 

“I think you bought so much because you knew I would share it with you” Lexa noted

 

“Well I knew you wouldn’t share it with anyone else because you don’t _know_ anyone else here” Clarke shrugged as she took a bite of her donut “So what did my friends say to you when I left the table?”

 

“Probably what you thought they were going to ask me” Lexa shrugged “Your friend Bellamy thinks I’m playing games because I am helping you with your mom but Raven wanted to know why I ignored you after we kissed”  


“I’m going to kill them” Clarke groaned “I’m sorry”

 

“ _I’m_ sorry” Lexa shook her head “They were right questioning me”

 

“I told them not to say anything though” Clarke replied

 

“My friends would have done the same thing” Lexa shrugged “And I guess they kind of did”

 

“It doesn’t matter, they shouldn’t have questioned you like that because you came to help me out” Clarke replied

 

“You were right last night when you said that I wanted to let you in” Lexa said looking down at the beg sitting between them before meeting Clarke’s eyes once more “Because I do”

 

“I know you do” Clarke replied quietly

 

“I just kind of want to try and explain myself and why I did try and ignore you. I don’t have many friends and I don’t let many people into my life at all and I ignored you because I didn’t want to admit that I had already let you into my life” Lexa admitted, swallowing thickly before she continued “People have always disappointed so I just choose to not be left open for disappointment from someone. The way I see things is that if I distance myself from as many people as I can, they can’t hurt me and that’s just how I live”

 

Clarke didn’t say anything, she only furrowed her eyebrows in concern but continued to stare at Lexa as she waited for her to continue.

 

“That’s why I don’t do relationships. I protect myself over anything that I want or over anyone else and that’s just how I am. I don’t know if I can change that either but I just want to try and help you understand why I reacted like I did” Lexa shrugged “I keep people away to protect myself and it’s worked”

 

“Lexa I’m sorry but I think that’s a bit of a bad attitude to have” Clarke shook her head “I don’t understand how you can live like that”

 

“Grow up like I did and you’d understand” Lexa said defensively “That’s just what I do and I guess if you can understand that then you can kind of understand where I am coming from and why I close myself off the way I do”

 

“Lexa I understand loss” Clarke replied quietly “I understand what it’s like to be disappointed by someone and hurt but you can’t just be distant from everyone. You’re not distant from everyone, you _do_ have friends”

 

“I have people I trust” Lexa nodded

 

“People don’t stay in your life forever and I know that, it’s just not how life works” Clarke replied “My dad was the best person I have ever known. He was strong, fair, smart, stubborn, kind and surprisingly quite a bit like you. He never wanted me to see him weak or sick so he tried to shield me from it and it was hard to see him go through what he did before he died but he was my dad and I loved him. Sometimes you know you are going to get hurt, sometimes you don’t but I think the right people are worth taking a risk for”

 

“I’m sorry about your dad, Clarke” Lexa said quietly “I’m sure your dad loved you very much but I never experienced that. My parents just left me when I was 4 and left me to deal with the world by myself”

 

“But maybe they had a good reason” Clarke shrugged

 

“I don’t know what a good reason would be to leave your 4 year old to fend for themselves in a state foster system” Lexa said evenly “I don’t know the reason and I don’t care about it because it doesn’t change any of my story”

 

“You have as many emotions as anyone else, you have pain and joy just like anyone else but you just choose not to show it” Clarke began “What I’m trying to say Lexa is that loss is a part of life but it can be worth it sometimes by remembering the good experiences you had with that person”

 

“I hate how you do that” Lexa said with a sigh

 

“Do what?”

 

“How you always make sense” Lexa grumbled “Always”

 

“Well I’m glad someone thinks that” Clarke chuckled “Thank you for telling me that by the way. I know you’re trying”

 

“I just don’t trust people”

 

“So why do you trust me?” Clarke asked curiously

 

“I’m still trying to figure that out” Lexa said with a small smile “I am trying and I will continue to try and push myself out of my shell”

 

“I know you are”

 

There was a pause in conversation and Lexa had never felt tension in one room like she did at that moment.

 

“You haven’t touched the pastries I bought for you as an apology and I’ve had almost a whole donut” Clarke said with a grin “Are you trying to make me feel bad?”

 

“I’ll eat something later” Lexa shrugged “I actually should go back to my study; I have a lot to do”

 

“Oh, okay” Clarke replied with a small nod “Make sure you take your bag of apologies with you”

 

“There are a lot of apologies in that one bag” Lexa joked weakly as her eyes fell to Clarke’s lips momentarily

 

“Why do you think I bought so much?” Clarke chuckled before her face sobered quickly “Thank you for talking to me, I know that wouldn’t have been easy”

 

“You make it easier than it usually is” Lexa shrugged as she stood from the couch, moving the blanket from her legs

 

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke asked as she stood with Lexa

 

“You need to stop asking that question” Lexa cocked an eyebrow

 

“Why did you come in and tell me all of that _now_?” Clarke asked “Why now and not last night or any other time? Why now?”

 

“I don’t know” Lexa shrugged “Your friends said you were upset after I ignored you and I thought that you deserved to have an actual explanation rather than me just apologizing. The fact that you were upset because of me pushed me to say something”

 

“Well thank you” Clarke replied with a nod

 

Lexa’s brain was working overtime as she looked at the blonde in front of her.

 

She was beautiful.

 

She was beyond beautiful and for some reason she seemed to like Lexa and Lexa couldn’t really work out why.

 

Her inner beauty more than matched her outer beauty and Lexa knew she was even lucky to be in the situation she was with Clarke.

 

Whatever situation it actually was.

 

Lexa hadn’t pushed herself before with Clarke as much as she had that night; it made her angry at herself knowing she upset the blonde due to her inability to trust and her own insecurities.

 

Clarke deserved better than that.

 

The question was whether Lexa could actually deliver on that.

 

Her brain switched off though for that moment because before she could really register what was happening, she took a step forward and captured Clarke’s lips gently.

 

She felt Clarke stiffen in surprise for a moment before her body relaxed, placing a hand on Lexa’s arm as the brunette moved her hand to cup Clarke’s cheek gently.

 

She felt the electricity course through her veins once more and that feeling of warmth she had been craving ever since they had first kissed spreading throughout her body rewarded her bravery.

 

Lexa dropped the bag in her hand the short distance to the ground so she could encircle her arm around the other girl, her hand resting on the blonde’s lower back to gently push Clarke to be flush up against her own body.

 

Clarke exhaled deeply as her other hand tangled itself in Lexa’s wavy hair at the back of her head, gripping it very gently but eagerly at the same time.

 

Lexa couldn’t think about anything else than Clarke at that moment.

 

There was no way she was ready just yet to be in a relationship.

 

Despite the progress she had made with Clarke that night in letting her in, she couldn’t change herself and her habits so quickly.

 

It was going to be baby steps from there and she hoped Clarke could understand.

 

It probably wasn’t fair on Clarke to kiss her like she had without thinking it through, she acted on a whim and that was something that she just usually would not do.

 

She couldn’t help herself though; Clarke was an irresistible force as far as Lexa was concerned.

 

Lexa didn’t know exactly what it meant and she understood she was going to now need to talk about this with Clarke too.

 

For that moment though, for that one perfect moment; Lexa forgot about all her hesitations, her worries and her doubts because she was caught up in her own little world with Clarke.

 

Maybe not so stupid Lexa after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> I will update soon :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the absolute best. Honestly, I really appreciate it! 
> 
> Sorry I took a while to reply to comments as well, I had a busy few days away and I didn't get home until late last night! 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter :)

Lexa was finishing work in the early afternoon the next day before she was headed back to her apartment to actually study. 

 

She realized she had tried to do that over the past few nights but things had been a little chaotic between meeting friends of her fake girlfriend and continuously being interrupted by that same fake girlfriend. 

 

Last night though was something different.

 

After she kissed Clarke, she didn’t run away and she didn’t hide. 

 

She understood that even though she was terrified, acting like that with Clarke was unfair and something that she needed to try and work on. 

 

This time she had chosen to make the move and kiss the blonde so she had to deal with the consequences, whether they were good or bad. 

 

She thought she was still in no way ready to be in a relationship just yet and Lexa had to let Clarke know that straight away after they parted from that kiss. 

 

Clarke understood though that Lexa had spent almost her whole life putting up those walls around her heart so it would take some time to even begin to pull them down but that’s exactly what she was going to try and do. 

 

They were going to see where they could take things from there. 

 

They had only briefly discussed it and Lexa knew it would come up again but for now she just wanted to see how she could handle trying to let her guard down for the other girl. 

 

She closed the store early due to it being Sunday, turning the lights off quickly and locking the door.

 

“Hi Lexa” She heard a vaguely familiar voice say from behind her 

 

She swallowed a lump that formed immediately in her throat when she realized who it was before turning around with a small smile on her face.

 

“Hi Mrs. Griffin” Lexa said wearily “What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m headed to the airport in a few hours and Clarke’s had to take a quick shift at work so I thought I would just go exploring a little” Abby said with a nod 

 

“It’s pretty cold outside Mrs. Griffin” Lexa said skeptically “It’s not one of the best days to explore”

 

“I was just walking past and looks like I caught you at the right time” 

 

“Looks like you did” Lexa nodded as she tried to control her heart rate a little better than what she was currently, figuring Abby had been waiting there for her to leave work

 

“I wanted to talk to you about Clarke quickly before I left” Abby began “Now you do seem to make her happy and you seem to have plenty of career goals but I haven’t had any time to just talk to you alone” 

 

“I see” Lexa replied furrowing her eyebrows as she tucked her hands into her jacket pockets “Well I’m free now” 

 

Lexa knew for Clarke’s sake that she had to keep up the act as well as she could, she had gone all weekend putting herself through this and when Lexa did something, she did it to the best of her ability. 

 

Unfortunately that just meant she had to continue lying to the Mayor of Middleton, Ohio for just a little while longer. 

 

“I’m not sure whether Clarke has told you too much about her father?” Abby asked

 

“She’s told me a few things, Mrs Griffin” Lexa said politely 

 

“You can call me Abby” She said with a soft smile “Anyway, I know you have had a bit of a tough childhood and since Clarke’s dad died when she was in high schoo,l Clarke has had it pretty tough as well so you have to know that I’m only looking out for my daughters best interest”

 

Lexa’s eyes widened.

 

She was getting the talk. 

 

Lexa was getting a very real talk for a fabricated relationship.

 

“Now that her father is gone, I kind of have to be both parents and I hate to do this to you so suddenly but I just need to know that you have Clarke’s best interest at heart. She’s my only daughter and I have to protect her, even if she is 23 and lives alone in New York” Abby began in a firm voice “I also know you’re a law student and I know politics so I want you to be a hundred percent honest and upfront with me”

 

“Okay” Lexa replied with a nod feeling like she was a deer caught in the headlights 

 

It would be easy for Lexa to escape this situation; all she would need to do was tell Abby the truth.

 

She could tell her that they weren’t actually together and she was wasting her time interrogating the law student but she couldn’t do that.

 

She wouldn’t do that. 

 

While Lexa might not have been the most open or friendly person, she was loyal and she was going to try and help Clarke even though she wasn’t there. 

 

“So do I need to know anything about you that Clarke hasn’t told me?” Abby asked raising her eyebrows “What are your intentions with my daughter?”

 

“I…I mean it depends on what Clarke has and hasn’t told you” Lexa stumbled “My intentions are nothing but pure, Mrs. Griffin. Your daughter is amazing and I’m trying to be as good as I can for her”

 

“Do you see yourselves staying together?” Abby asked 

 

“I…hope so?” Lexa shrugged, unsure as to what to say 

 

“Clarke is a very strong willed young woman and I just want to make sure that she is making the right choices out here” Abby replied “I’m sorry to come at you like that but I just needed to get you alone for a moment”

 

“So you obviously weren’t just exploring?” Lexa pushed

 

“I think we both know that I wasn’t” Abby said with a nod “You seem like a good person Lexa so I hope I’m right about you” 

 

“Me too” Lexa mumbled quietly 

 

She opened her mouth to say something else when Abby’s phone began to ring. 

 

She pulled it from her pocket and smiled 

 

“I’ll stop harassing you now, that’s Clarke but it was honestly nice to meet you” Abby said “I’m just glad that Clarke has people she can really count on away from home” 

 

“Okay” Lexa replied with her eyes still wide, still reasonably shocked by what had just happened 

 

She watched Abby answer her phone before she began to walk away from Lexa and the Grounders Bookstore. 

 

Lexa stood there silently, watching Abby walk further and further away but for some reason she still felt like she was holding her breath. 

 

She shook her current state of shock from her head and turned sharply on her heel, rushing back to her apartment as quickly as she could so that she could process what had just happened. 

 

\--- 

 

Later that night, Lexa heard a few sets of footsteps pass her apartment and stop at Clarke’s door. 

 

She heard Clarke talking to what sounded like her friends as she unlocked the door and the voices all muffled further when they entered the blonde’s apartment. 

 

Lexa hadn’t spoken to Clarke since last night, she kind of felt like she was stuck in an awkward position. 

 

They had agreed on just letting things happen naturally, not putting any labels on what they had but Lexa had no idea how that worked. 

 

She had no idea what it was like to date or to just let things happen naturally because she had never experienced it before. 

 

Lexa had purposely hid herself away from those situations.

 

The brunette was still trying to wrestle herself over the fact that she had let someone in and that it was okay when everything within herself was telling her that she needed to back away immediately. 

 

She quickly moved towards her door, exiting her apartment to stand in front of Clarke’s closed door as she heard laughter inside. 

 

She paused for a moment, knowing that Clarke had company and she deserved to have that time with her friends without Lexa bothering her so she took a step backwards. 

 

The door opened though just as she did, finding a smiling Clarke standing in front of her.

 

“Hey” Clarke greeted 

 

“Hi” Lexa said awkwardly “Did you know I was standing there?”

 

“Well you can hear everything I’m doing so yeah” Clarke said with a nod “You okay?”

 

“I know you have your friends over but can I talk to you for a second?” Lexa asked furrowing her eyebrows “I won’t take long”

 

“Uh sure” Clarke replied, looking behind her shoulder for a moment as she watched her friends who had their eyes on them both “I’ll be back in a minute” 

 

“Hey Lexa” Raven called from inside, stepping into view over Clarke’s shoulder 

 

“Hi Raven” Lexa greeted with a humbled nod 

 

“You sure you’re okay?” Clarke asked with a smirk closing the door behind her only to lean her back against it 

 

“Just having flashbacks of last night’s conversation at dinner” Lexa replied before clearing her throat “I had another interesting conversation today” 

 

“Did you?” 

 

“Your mom stopped by the bookstore while you were working” Lexa admitted quickly, watching Clarke’s smile fall from her face and her eyes widen 

 

“Well the good news is that you’re still standing and alive” Clarke replied after a moment’s silence “I’m so sorry” 

 

“It’s fine and I covered it” Lexa replied “I see what you mean about the protective thing because I have never felt so intimidated in my life”

 

“I’m so sorry Lexa” Clarke repeated in horror “What did she say to you?”

 

“She just asked me what my intentions were and just that kind of standard stuff” Lexa responded “I mean I think it’s standard because this was my first parent talk”

 

“I probably shouldn’t have told her where you worked” Clarke replied thoughtfully

 

“She was being protective” Lexa shrugged “But I will admit that it was the first time in a very long time that I have been scared of another person. I guess Griffin women seem to do that” 

 

“What, scare you?” Clarke asked raising an eyebrow 

 

“For different reasons” Lexa admitted quickly before moving on “Your mom is extremely persistent and definitely a politician at least you have her and you know she loves you” 

 

“You’re right” Clarke replied with a soft smile “She told me that she thought you were great. She might be a bit devastated when we break up”

 

“But it looks like you won’t be set up on a date then when you go home” 

 

“Looks like I’m off the hook” Clarke nodded “Thank you again for doing that for me. I know it was a lot to ask and you have your IOU letter that you can seriously cash in”

 

“Next time, if you could please implicate one of your friends in a fake relationship story instead of me that would be appreciated” Lexa replied with a nod “I don’t particularly want to do that again”

 

“I’ve learnt my lesson” Clarke nodded once more quickly “Thank you for trying to be a little more open too” 

 

“I told you I would try” Lexa said awkwardly “I’ll let you get back to your friends” 

 

“You can come in if you want” Clarke offered hopefully 

 

“No, I can’t” Lexa shook her head “I actually have to study because I haven’t been able to this whole weekend for one reason or another” 

 

“Okay” Clarke replied understandingly 

 

“I guess I will see you tomorrow” Lexa nodded 

 

Clarke captured Lexa’s lips with her own without warning and quickly, kissing the brunette cautiously. 

 

Lexa felt that gravitational pull suck her in deeper as Clarke kissed her gently, moving her hands to Lexa’s waist to hold her in place. 

 

The brunette felt Clarke smile against her lips before pulling away, leaving her dazed but craving more. 

 

Lexa knew that Clarke wouldn’t be happy just doing that forever, there would come a time where Clarke would question what they were and where they were headed. 

 

The brunette was terrified of that day but for now she was just satisfied about the fact that her beautiful neighbour wanted to kiss her. 

 

It felt nice being wanted for once.

 

She wanted to hold onto that feeling as long as she could.

 

\--- 

 

It had been 3 weeks since Lexa had summoned the courage to kiss Clarke while they stood in the blonde’s apartment. 

 

3 weeks since Lexa had let go of a small part of her resistance towards trusting Clarke, she had let Clarke into her life and she couldn’t deny that. 

 

The blonde had moved in next door and had weakened her defenses mercilessly, not allowing Lexa to recover from the sudden loss of the guard that kept people away at a safe distance. 

 

Lexa didn’t even really want to keep Clarke at a distance anyway; she just wanted to be as close to her as possible. 

 

Which was something that she was still having a hard time processing and tried to deny to anyone who would listen. 

 

Though, the brunette knew that she wasn’t going to change overnight and she hadn’t.

 

She was still relatively guarded with what she said and sometimes still distant but she tried her hardest to try and let Clarke in whenever possible. 

 

It probably wasn’t enough though and in the back of her mind she knew that. 

 

Lexa worked very hard for a very long time to build those very walls up so they were going to take a while to come down. 

 

She had found though that she craved being next to Clarke or just seeing the other girl even if they weren’t talking or communicating. 

 

That’s why she found herself at Clarke’s work so often after classes resumed; she would study or work on assignments before the two girls walked home together once the blonde had finished her shift. 

 

Lexa would steal glances at the blonde as she worked and would catch Clarke looking at her sometimes as well, smiling as they caught each other’s eyes. 

 

The two neighbours had started meeting each other outside their classrooms, surprising each other at times when they hadn’t been expected so they could walk home together from there as well. 

 

The fourth day in a row this had happened, Lexa bravely reached out to take Clarke’s hand in her own, enjoying the feeling of their hands fitting perfectly together like she had discovered over Thanksgiving break. 

 

Though their hands would be cold or even in gloves they both seemed to enjoy it, struggling to let go once they reached their apartments. 

 

They would hold hands sometimes when they left class on the walk from and sometimes they just wouldn’t, Lexa’s hands would be deep inside her pockets. 

 

The two neighbours weren’t consistent in their actions; at least Lexa wasn’t anyway. 

 

The brunette knew that Clarke deserved better, she knew that Clarke deserved someone who could give her consistency, security and a real relationship. 

 

She knew that the blonde deserved nothing but the best because Lexa had learnt just how amazing Clarke was and she couldn’t deny that. 

 

Lexa was selfish though, by her own admission though she was selfish and growing up like she had, she needed to be. 

 

If she hadn’t been selfish in her earlier life, she never would have survived because she had grown up in the world fighting for herself and for everything she had. 

 

She was selfish by always considering her feelings and needs before anyone else’s to protect herself, which was something she was trying to correct but knew that would also take time. 

 

Mostly though she was selfish because she wanted Clarke, she actually enjoyed the time they spent together but she knew it was on her own terms and eventually that would need to be addressed. 

 

She’d kept things with Clarke relatively quiet with her friends, not wanting them to make a big deal about anything. 

 

Lexa wasn’t sure what Clarke had said to her friends and what exactly she had told them but they did know the two had been spending a bit of time together.

 

The brunette had even tried to hang out with Clarke’s friends in her apartment very briefly before making her way back to the comfort of her own apartment and her own four walls. 

 

Amongst everything else; they had started a routine of studying with each other between both apartments. 

 

They wouldn’t really care who would go to whom, it usually just depended on who had been home or studying longer. 

 

Lexa so often found herself getting distracted at Clarke’s closeness when they were studying on Clarke’s bed or on Lexa’s couch. 

 

It was actually incredibly sweet and endearing to Lexa that Clarke would just study with her in silence, just wanting to be near the brunette for the company. 

 

They would steal kisses on occasion during their study times or take breaks to discuss something they had found interesting but it almost seemed very normal to Lexa, it almost seemed very safe. 

 

And again, she just thought it was nice to feel wanted. 

 

Maybe that was why Lexa was avoiding talking to Clarke about what was going on between them. 

 

It had caused tension between them both when Lexa would avoid or ignore the subject when Clarke subtly brought it up but she knew that things would change as soon as they had that discussion. 

 

And she wasn’t ready for a change, no matter which way that change happened. 

 

There they were though on a Friday night, after an exhausting week of Fall Semester Exams cuddled up together on Lexa’s couch late at night as the TV flickered almost silently. 

 

Clarke had decided after a very long and trying week that instead of going out with her friends, she just wanted to do as little as possible and had hoped Lexa would want to as well. 

 

She was leaving on Sunday to go to Middleton and Lexa was going on Monday to Miami with her friends so they were trying to spend a little time together before they parted ways for 2 weeks. 

 

Clarke’s breathing had slowed down immensely as she snuggled into Lexa’s side on the couch, the brunette pulling a blanket up over the other girl’s shoulders to ensure she was as warm as possible sitting beside her. 

 

She was practically sitting in Lexa’s lap, her legs hanging over the brunettes’ and her hands gripping on Lexa’s jacket loosely.

 

Lexa sighed, leaning her head down against Clarke’s as it rested on her shoulder while she toyed with the material on the blonde’s shirt hem over her waist. 

 

“I’m convinced you are pulling on a loose thread” Clarke mumbled sleepily, breaking the silence that was only being filled by the soft sound of the TV

 

“Just thinking” Lexa mumbled absently 

 

“About?” Clarke asked 

 

“Nothing important” Lexa replied quietly “Are you looking forward to going home?”

 

“Kind of” Clarke responded with a raspy voice “I’m excited to see my grandparents but I’d rather be here. You excited for Miami?”

 

“I don’t know” Lexa answered 

 

“How do you not know?” Clarke chuckled 

 

“I’m looking forward to getting out of the cold but my friends are a bit more…outgoing than I am” Lexa replied 

 

“They are a bit from what you’ve told me and from what I’ve seen” Clarke nodded “But at least you are going with them. What would you be doing if you didn’t go?”

 

“Nothing” Lexa shook her head “I’d be okay with that though”

 

“How would you be okay with that?” Clarke asked 

 

“Well it’s not like I have expectations of a family Christmas or anything” Lexa shrugged, swallowing thickly 

 

“Would you be spending it with Anya anyway?” Clarke asked 

 

“Probably” Lexa responded simply “I have spent Christmas’ alone before and it hasn’t bothered me” 

 

“I think it does bother you but you just don’t show it” Clarke mumbled, scoffing quietly “Like everything else” 

 

“It doesn’t” Lexa said quickly “It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to” 

 

“So it used to bother you?” Clarke asked 

 

“For a while when I was a kid” Lexa nodded which a nonchalant shrug “People were happy around Christmas and with their families but I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to dampen your Christmas spirit or anything”

 

“This is only my second Christmas at home since my dad died” Clarke said before she shifted her body without notice to be straddling Lexa’s waist just so she could look her in the eyes, towering over the other girl who was leaning back into the couch “You can tell me things just like I tell you things, you know that” 

 

“I don’t want sympathy” Lexa replied shaking her head, being caught up in the reflection the light was causing in Clarke’s blue eyes “You don’t need to know because I don’t want any sympathy”

 

“Well I don’t want sympathy either” Clarke shook her head “I just want you to know that on some level, I understand” 

 

“What did your family do for Christmas?” Lexa asked quietly 

 

“We used to have my grandparents over and there would be way too much food. When I was really young my dad dressed up as Santa and bring presents” Clarke said with a fond smile before it faded quickly “The year my dad died my mom was a mess Christmas day, she hardly left her room. She didn’t cook like she usually did, she didn’t wrap presents or decorate, my grandparents brought some food for us but I could hardly get a word out of my mom”

 

“Did he pass close to Christmas?” 

 

“Only a few weeks before, we didn’t know if he’d make it that far or not but I got him a present anyway” Clarke shrugged and the blonde exhaled a shaky sigh 

 

Lexa felt her heart ache for the other girl, that was the moment she realized just how much she cared for the girl who was in front of her.

 

It terrified her. 

 

The girl in front of her could tear her to shreds and Lexa was the one who had allowed that to happen.

 

She was the one who gave Clarke that power over her. 

 

She was terrified mostly though that she didn’t know if she could really be what the blonde needed in her life. 

 

Lexa didn’t know if she could give her what she deserved, her whole self. 

 

In social situations Lexa was more awkward than many. 

 

She could con a con artist in a courtroom situation, she could out think some of the smartest minds, she could charm the most charming individual while in class but in a social situation that related to someone’s feelings; Lexa was the most awkward person she knew. 

 

The brunette didn’t know how to respond to Clarke after she had so vulnerably exposed herself and her heart.

 

Lexa didn’t know that she could even do that because she had never had a father, she had never cared about someone like Clarke obviously did her father. 

 

She didn’t know whether she could respond to Clarke with the right words or if she did, whether they would bring and justice to the situation.

 

So instead of words, she decided to take action. 

 

Lexa reached her hand up to tangle her fingers in the hair at the back of Clarke’s head very delicately, touching Clarke so softly as if she could crumble under her fingertips.

 

Her thumb stroking the blonde’s cheek as her palm cupped the side of her jawline. 

 

Lexa looked between both of Clarke’s eyes, her pain was evident the more Lexa looked into the blue orbs. 

 

The brunette gently pulled Clarke’s face to her own, kissing her softly and as delicately as she possibly could manage. 

 

She took her lower lip between her own, pressing a little harder as she continued to kiss the other girl so Clarke knew she was there for her in that moment. 

 

She felt Clarke’s hands move to her shoulders, squeezing them almost to the point that it was painful. 

 

Lexa heard Clarke exhale sharply as they broke away from the kiss, the blonde resting her forehead against her neighbours for a moment. 

 

Lexa’s eyes stared directly at Clarke’s closed eyelids, covering what she had been so hypnotized by just seconds before. 

 

The intimacy of that moment almost made Lexa panic visibly.

 

“What are we doing, Lexa?” Clarke asked quietly as her eyes fluttered open

 

“What are we doing?” Lexa furrowed her eyebrows in feigned confusion but she knew what Clarke was talking about 

 

“I know you don’t like talking about this but we’re about to go away for 2 weeks and I’m going to spend the whole time thinking about it” Clarke began, clearing her throat “One moment you’re like this and then the next you realize how you’re acting so ignore me for half the day, you just recoil into yourself without warning” 

 

“I’m trying Clarke but I can’t change overnight” Lexa replied shaking her head 

 

“And I’m not asking you to change overnight but I’m just wondering what exactly is going on between us” Clarke replied “What you want from this? From us?”

 

“You know that I can’t do relationships yet” 

 

“I don’t know that” Clarke said in a frustrated tone “You just keep telling me that and I don’t want to be that girl who acts like this but I like you Lexa and you obviously feel the same about me so I'm just confused” 

 

“You said it yourself; I recoil into myself without warning” Lexa shook her head “Why are you pushing this right now?”

 

“It’s confusing not knowing what is going on” Clarke said knitting her eyebrows together in anger “You know what’s going on in your head, I don’t. You aren’t easy to read”

 

“I’m trying, Clarke” Lexa said with a sigh “I really am but I’m just not ready”

 

“So what are we doing then?” Clarke asked quietly

 

“I don’t know” Lexa shook her head 

 

“Yeah okay” Clarke said with a heavy sigh of her own, moving back quickly to stand from Lexa’s lap

 

The sudden loss of contact making her all too aware of just how cold her apartment had actually been. 

 

“Clarke” Lexa said with a furrowed brow 

 

“I should go, it’s late and I have to pack anyway” Clarke shook her head 

 

“Stay” Lexa replied “Just stay here” 

 

“No” Clarke said simply “No, I’m not going to stay, Lexa” 

 

She didn’t say another word before turning around, opening the door to Lexa’s apartment and closing it behind her. 

 

Lexa heard Clarke go into her own apartment, she heard her locking the door and she even heard Clarke almost slam her bedroom door closed. 

 

Lexa sighed, closing her eyes and placing her head in her hands. 

 

“Why can’t you just let her win?” Lexa groaned as she asked herself “You like her”

 

\--- 

 

The next morning Lexa heard Clarke leave her apartment early, knowing she was due to work that morning until that afternoon when she was going to spend the rest of the day at Octavia’s.

 

Lexa wasn’t sure when she would see her neighbour before she left but she knew she had to talk to her before she left for 2 weeks. 

 

She figured she would catch her before she left but until she did speak to her, Lexa knew that all that would be on her mind was Clarke. 

 

Lexa worked that morning herself, the last shift she was working until they went away for the Christmas break. 

 

She was looking forward to it. 

 

The brunette was happy to get out of the cold and go somewhere completely different, she was happy to have a change in scenery to maybe clear her head for a little. 

 

She needed a little time to think and she hoped that a nice beach in Miami would give her that time and space to do just that. 

 

Clarke deserved an answer but Lexa just wasn’t sure what answer she could truthfully give her. 

 

After her final shift for the year, she came home and began packing her bags for Miami. 

 

It felt strange packing for warm weather when her apartment was as cold as it was, her feet in thick socks to heat her chilled toes against the floor. 

 

Lexa kept an ear out for movement next door, hoping to catch Clarke if she came home for any reason. 

 

She didn’t know at all what she was going to say because nothing in her head had changed or made sense to her but she just wanted to see the girl. 

 

And she cursed Clarke silently for that. 

 

There was a loud series of impatient knocks on her door, noisily echoing through her apartment and it making her jump in her place. 

 

The loud knocking paused for a moment only to continue again once more. 

 

Lexa dropped the shirt in her hand on her bed and abruptly set out to the door. 

 

As she pulled the door open she paused, furrowing her eyebrows as she saw the person standing in front of her. 

 

“Bellamy” Lexa said in a confused tone “Clarke isn’t here; she hasn’t been here all day”

 

“I know that because she’s at my sisters apartment” 

 

“So why are you here then?” Lexa asked suddenly folding her arms defensively 

 

“You need to cut the crap and you need to make a decision” Bellamy snapped “Before Clarke leaves to go home”

 

“Excuse me?” Lexa replied, her eyes widening 

 

“Clarke’s been confused for weeks and personally I keep telling her that you’re probably just not stable enough for something serious” Bellamy replied, his words echoing through Lexa’s body “Clarke is an incredible girl and she deserves the best. If you can’t give that to her then you need to release whatever hold you have over her because it’s not fair. She might not show it but you are hurting her, your indecision is hurting her. She feels stuck because of you” 

 

“I don’t have a hold over her” Lexa retorted angrily “If anything she has a hold over me. You don’t know enough to come and tell me all of this”

 

“I know what Clarke has told me so I know you have had a hard life but you don’t need to make hers difficult as well, she’s been through enough” Bellamy replied “I know you helped her out with her mom but she has had it tough too, everyone has had it tough in some way”

 

“You don’t get to ambush me here and throw comments at me like that in my apartment building” Lexa growled “You might think you know what is going on but you don’t. I like Clarke, I care for her” 

 

“I’m not saying that you don’t care for her, I’m just saying that you need to do what’s best for her if you care for her like you say you do. If you can be with her then be with her, if not then stop just pretending like you can” Bellamy said taking a step towards Lexa, causing her to take a step backwards into her apartment “She deserves that much”

 

His words made her flinch, she felt as if she had been cut to the bone.

 

Lexa wanted to yell at Bellamy, she wanted to respond with a witty reply and cut him down with her words but she couldn’t. 

 

She couldn’t because he was right. 

 

Lexa knew all along that she was being selfish with Clarke. 

 

But somewhere a few blocks away, the woman she had developed strong feelings for was distressed because of Lexa’s actions. 

 

Or more so Lexa’s lack of action.

 

Clarke was unhappy and she was unhappy because of Lexa and her inability to believe she could hold a stable relationship. 

 

Lexa hardly knew what a stable relationship looked like; it wasn’t like she had many examples around her as she was growing up. 

 

Even if she did know, Lexa wasn’t sure she believed that she could deliver what Clarke deserved. 

 

She didn’t think that she could open up like Clarke wanted her to; she didn’t know if she could be what Clarke needed. 

 

All she had to do was not recoil or pull away every time she was scared but she wasn’t even sure she could do that. 

 

Lexa was what she was and it was woven into the fabrics of who she was, even if she wanted to change that.

 

As Lexa thought all of this to herself; Bellamy shook his head furiously and walked away down the hall, leaving her there just staring at the empty doorway. 

 

This was the point that Lexa had been scared of, being pulled directly into Clarke’s orbit so far that she was going to crash and burn. 

 

She was now crashing and was certainly burning.

 

Everything that Bellamy had said was correct though, her neighbour deserved better. 

 

Clarke deserved the best of everything the world could give her. 

 

But her whole life Lexa had been selfish. 

 

She had been selfish to protect herself and make sure her heart was contained, that her heart was never broken. 

 

She had been selfish to survive. 

 

The brunette had more recently been selfish with Clarke because she didn’t want what they had to end while they were on her terms.

 

But somewhere a few blocks away, she was sure Clarke’s heart was hurting because of her.

 

That revelation hit her as severely as any bad news she had received in her life because she had let Clarke in. 

 

The revelation that she actually had changed hit her even harder because she realized that she couldn’t be selfish any longer. 

 

Clarke deserved the best but Lexa didn’t think she was that. 

 

It was time for Lexa to be selfless because that was what Clarke deserved. 

 

Even if it meant destroying her own heart so Clarke could be happy. 

 

Even if it meant that she would have to force herself to let Clarke go, going against every instinct she had ever developed. 

 

Because that’s what Clarke deserved.

 

Altruistic Lexa, that was something she wasn’t used to thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think about this one?
> 
> You probably like me less now, right? As always, there is a plan. This fic is just a little different.
> 
> I'll have an update soon, I have a soccer game tonight so I wont have any time to write but I will update in the next few days.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly I'm sorry for any and all pain inflicted by the last chapter :P Hope you are all having a good week. 
> 
> Thank you for still liking me (well hopefully) and leaving comments, they are always brilliant. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter :) I have a pretty busy weekend but I definitely will have the next chapter up by the end of the weekend :)

Numbness.

 

Lexa felt numb.

 

Physically, she felt completely and utterly numb.

 

Emotionally, she felt more than she ever had before.

 

Lexa didn’t sleep at all that night; her stomach was in knots and her heart felt as if it was stuck in her throat.

 

Clarke didn’t come home that evening, she knew she was at Octavia’s and was thankful for some space so she could think.

 

Bellamy’s words had been a slap in the face and a kick in the stomach to Lexa.

 

But it was the slap in the face and the kick in the stomach she had needed.

 

Because she was being selfish and she was being unfair.

 

She was attached to the blonde who lived next door; she gave her comfort and made her feel a temporary sense of safety.

 

It wasn’t fair on Clarke though, she wanted more from Lexa and Lexa just wasn’t sure she could give her that.

 

Clarke deserved someone who could give her stability, someone who wasn’t going to just go back into their shell when things got tough.

 

She wanted to, Lexa wanted to be what Clarke wanted but she didn’t know if she could.

 

It was just way too painful for Lexa to admit that to herself.

 

Selfishly she had enjoyed the past few weeks so much because she was able to have Clarke but it was all on her terms.

 

Lexa sat in front of her textbooks that were sprawled out on the floor, hoping that some study could give her tired brain a much needed break from thinking about the situation she found herself in.

 

She was just waiting for Clarke to come home and get her bags so she could go to the airport.

 

Lexa was intelligent; she knew that Clarke was avoiding going back to the apartment for as long as possible.

 

The brunette felt sick to her stomach knowing though that she was going to need to talk to the blonde before they went away for Christmas.

 

Lexa could have ignored the girl, she could have just avoided her until she left but Clarke deserved much better than that too.

 

She was going to have to confront the other girl, not knowing at all what she was going to say.

 

The law student heard footsteps down the hall and that horrifying sensation of a severe chill ran down her spine.

 

She heard the footsteps stop in front of her door and she heard a soft knock on the door and her heart dropped from her throat down to her feet because she knew it was Clarke.

 

She swallowed thickly, expelling a deep breath as she steeled herself to do something that she would probably never forgive herself for.

 

But she knew that she definitely wouldn’t forgive herself for making Clarke compromise or settle for something that she deserved more from.

 

She cared about Clarke too much for that.

 

Standing, she slowly made her way to the door and flinching as another soft tap on the door filled the silence of the room.

 

Lexa opened the door slowly, a loud creak echoed through her apartment as she opened it completely to see a neutral looking Clarke standing in front of her.

 

“Clarke” Lexa said shakily, trying to steady her voice before she spoke again

 

“I just came back to get my bags before I left and I didn’t want to leave for 2 weeks without talking to you again” Clarke replied quietly as she reached out to take Lexa’s hand

 

Lexa’s eyes closed for a moment as she felt the electricity that she felt just through a simply touch from Clarke, how the other girl made her react and feel just wasn’t fair.

 

She didn’t have a chance from the very beginning.

 

She savoured the feel of Clarke’s warm hand for a moment longer before she exhaled sharply.

 

Regretfully, Lexa pulled her hand back from Clarke’s as she opened her eyes to settle on the blonde’s confused ones.

 

“You look tired” Clarke said sympathetically

 

“I am tired” Lexa grumbled simply

 

“Are you going to talk to me before I go or should I just get my bags?”

 

“I don’t really want to talk, Clarke” Lexa rasped as she battled herself internally to keep her emotions in absolute check, lifting her chin slightly to steel herself mentally “Because I can’t give you the answer you want”

 

“What answer do I want, Lexa?” Clarke asked in a frustrated tone, shaking her head

 

“I can’t be what you want me to be” Lexa answered flatly

 

“I’m not asking you to be anything” Clarke replied knitting her eyebrows in confusion “I’m just asking you not to push me away”

 

“You want to be in a relationship and I can’t give that to you” Lexa replied evenly once more

 

“This is ridiculous, Lexa” Clarke answered wearily with a sigh “We just keep going in circles”

 

“So let’s stop then” Lexa responded quickly, her dull voice hiding the pain she felt as she spoke “You said it yourself, it’s ridiculous”

 

“I know you are just trying to push me away” Clarke pressed defiantly

 

“I’m not just trying to push you away” Lexa clinched her jaw tightly, pausing before she continued “Maybe I don’t want this”

 

“You don’t want this?” Clarke asked raising an eyebrow “What exactly don’t you want?”

 

“I can’t be in a relationship, I’m not ready” Lexa snapped quickly “I’m not ready and I keep telling you that so you need to accept it”

 

“Do you honestly think that?” The blonde scoffed sarcastically “Or are you just scared that you know you are ready to be in a relationship? That maybe you aren’t as strong as you thought you were on your own?”

 

“There isn’t really a complex reasoning behind it” Lexa shook her head, her heart squeezing tightly inside her chest “This is just who I am, I thought I could do it but I can’t”

 

“So that’s it?” Clarke questioned folding her arms defensively “You’re just going to stop trying?”

 

“Yes” Lexa rasped as she felt her eyes flutter closed quickly before she opened them again, feeling the unfamiliar sting of tears begin to fill her eyes “I think that’s what’s best”

 

“Of course, because that’s the most selfish option possible” Clarke snapped angrily

 

“I am what I am, Clarke” Lexa said as she voice shook once more “I can admit that”

 

Looking at Clarke’s perfect blue eyes cloud was almost more than Lexa could take.

 

She hated herself for ever letting herself inflict the pain on Clarke’s face; it was a look that she would never be able to shake from her head.

 

Lexa had a heart.

 

She knew that because she could feel the pain pulsate through her body as she broke Clarke’s.

 

‘Clarke deserves better than what you can offer’ Lexa repeated to herself several times, hoping the mantra would save her ‘You are doing this for her own good’

 

Maybe she was being selfish, maybe she was actually just agreeing with what Bellamy said because she was scared.

 

But it didn’t feel like that to Lexa, it felt like she was trying to have Clarke’s best interest at heart even if it meant hurting her in order to be let go.

 

It wasn’t like she was enjoying watching Clarke’s chin tremble and her eyes dampen.

 

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t go back and forth” Clarke said as she tried to stiffen her expression but she faultered“I’ve tried”

 

“You’ve tried more than anyone ever has” Lexa said thankfully before she shrugged while clenching her jaw tightly “But I can’t change for you”

 

“I never asked you to change” Clarke muttered in a defeated and dejected voice “I just asked you to let me in because despite what you think, you need people in your life. You can’t just survive on yourself”

 

“I can” Lexa lied stiffly once more

 

“Okay Lexa” Clarke shook her head rolling her eyes, a blink of her eyes causing a single tear to fall before she wiped it away instantaneously “I get it”

 

“Have a nice Christmas”

 

“Yeah, okay” Clarke scoffed as she stepped towards her apartment, unlocking her door quickly before she stepping inside and slammed her door

 

Lexa flinched as she heard the slam but she stood in the doorway where Clarke had left her.

 

She looked down to her hands in front of her that were shaking like a leaf so she squeezed her hands into a ball to make tight fists and placed them by her sides.

 

Lexa pulled the door closed with a quiet click, locking it gently and rested her forehead against the cold wood.

 

She closed her eyes tightly to try and expel the look on Clarke’s face as Lexa spoke to her; that image was burnt into her brain.

 

The brunette heard rushed footsteps next door and the wheels of a heavy bag being dragged impatiently.

 

The door opened one more before it closed loudly, hearing Clarke sniffle as she walked past the door that Lexa was still hiding behind.

 

Lexa turned her body around to face her empty apartment, feeling her heart break for the first time in a very long time.

 

That was the very reason why Lexa should have listened to herself in the first place and not give into that feeling of being wanted, of Clarke’s irresistible gravitational pull.

 

But there was nothing she could have done; she didn’t stand a chance against resisting Clarke.

 

How could she resist someone like Clarke?

 

It just shook her to the very core that she didn’t think she could do enough to keep the girl.

 

She wanted what was best for the blonde, even if that meant having to give her up.

 

Because that’s what she deserved.

 

No one had ever made her feel like this because she had never let anyone in as deep as Clarke had been.

 

So when she knew she broke Clarke’s heart, it made hers hurt just that much more.

 

It was just another disappointment for Lexa, another thing that she wasn’t meant to have in life but she knew this would take a little longer to get over than anything else she could remember.

 

She didn’t even _want_ to get over Clarke.

 

But if this was what it was like to have made a connection with someone, if this was what it felt like to let someone in then she didn’t want it.

 

If that was what love felt like or even adoration; she wanted it banished from her heart for good.

 

Because it was the very thing that she was terrified of.

 

Lexa didn’t want Clarke to see any emotion as she spoke to her so as soon as she knew Clarke was out of earshot; she crumbled.

 

Sliding down her door to sit on the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly she felt a tear run down her cheek but she quickly wiped it away.

 

Refusing to admit for a moment that there were actual tears falling from her eyes because she hadn’t remembered the last time she had cried in her adult life.

 

Lexa didn’t cry.

 

It just didn’t happen for a multitude of reasons but at that moment she felt her shoulders shake along with the rest of her body as her tears flowed freely.

 

If only for just a moment she was going to allow herself to feel the pain she was feeling.

 

She wasn’t just crying for her own pain; she was crying for the blonde’s pain as well.

 

She was crying because she knew how she had hurt Clarke who Lexa was trying to protect from herself.

 

After a few moments she let out a last quiet yet echoing whimper, wiping her eyes roughly from any trace of dampness.

 

She just wanted it to go away and she wanted to turn it off.

 

She just wanted to find that switch and turn off any of her thoughts because they were only filled with the blonde.

 

Lexa couldn’t turn her thoughts off though; she stood absolutely no chance of doing so.

 

She had expected it but she didn’t get any sleep that night either.

 

\---

 

Foolishly and futilely she tucked herself into bed like she had done every night as a child when she was scared or afraid of something, holding the crisp covers over her chest tightly hoping that she would become tired enough at some point that sleep could take over her.

 

It didn’t though and she spent the whole night feeling sick to her stomach and staring blankly up at the ceiling.

 

Heartbreak.

 

_That_ was something Lexa understood, just for very different reasons.

 

The city moved on around her loudly, the streetlights providing a dull light in her room through her window but she welcomed the sound and the movement a little more than usual.

 

Lexa felt like she could breathe a little easier knowing that the world was still spinning around her even though she had managed to bring hers down around her.

 

She slowly saw her apartment light up around her as the sun emerged to signal the start of a new day but it all just felt like one big blur to Lexa.

 

Lexa heard her door open quietly, she heard it close once more and several footsteps came towards her bedroom before she found Anya, Costia and Echo standing by the foot of her bed with horrified looks on their faces.

 

“Lexa, our flight is in 2 hours” Anya said with wide eyes “You have to get up and get ready”

 

“I’m not going” Lexa mumbled as she pulled her covers over her head

 

“Yes you are” Costia replied willfully as she yanked gently at the covers by Lexa’s feet “You can’t spend Christmas by yourself here”

 

“You guys are wasting your time” Lexa said “I’m not going”

 

“Your blonde lover has gone back to Kansas” Anya joked “You can’t just wait for her to come back”

 

Lexa didn’t respond to the comment; she just attempted to swallow the lump that had risen up in the back of her throat.

 

“I actually think she’s from Ohio” Echo corrected her friend 

 

“I think I’m going to have to move to a different apartment” Lexa murmured in an irritated tone

 

“Why?” Anya asked with a sigh as she sat down on the edge of the bed

 

“I told Clarke that I couldn’t be in a relationship and that I didn’t want to try anymore” Lexa said quietly, her voice wavering towards the end of her sentence

 

“What?” All 3 girls spoke at the same time

 

“Are you serious, Lexa?” Costia asked incredulously “You’re crazy about the girl and when you have her, you tell her you don’t want her?”

 

“I couldn’t give her what she wanted” Lexa replied flatly “She deserves better than that”

 

“Why couldn’t you give her what she wanted?” Anya raised her eyebrows “You were basically in a relationship as it was”

 

“I could let her in to a certain point and then I had to push her away again” Lexa confessed as she lifted her head from the covers to look at her friends, her tired and red eyes evident of her sleepless night

 

“Don’t you think that’s up to her to decide whether she wants to deal with that or not?” Costia snapped angrily “Because it sounds like you just made this decision on her behalf”

 

“We had an argument on Friday night because she wanted to know what we were before we went away for Christmas” Lexa began sincerely “I care about her so I didn’t want to lie to her and tell her that I thought I could do it if I didn’t think I could”

 

“Then what are were you doing with her?” Echo asked

 

“Being selfish” Lexa replied quickly “I really like Clarke, she is an amazing girl but I also needed to know that I could push away if I needed to when it became too much. Her friend came by on Saturday night telling me that she was upset because she was confused and that if I couldn’t give her what she deserved then I should stop pretending that I could”

 

“Who was it?” Costia raised her eyebrows

 

“It doesn’t matter because he was right” Lexa dismissed shaking her head “I can admit that my feelings had grown for her and how much she had taken over my thoughts but she deserves better than someone who is emotionally unstable”

 

“But again, you decided that for her” Costia snapped

 

“Because she wouldn’t make that decision if I didn’t make it for her” Lexa countered

 

“You’re saying she wouldn’t have given up on you?” Anya asked curiously

 

“No” Lexa replied “She wouldn’t have”

 

“Oh my god, Lexa” Costia groaned “You know for an intelligent woman you are really stupid sometimes”

 

“Why?” Lexa croaked

 

“Because the girl likes you and she is perfect for you. She doesn’t put up with your crap and she calls you out on it but is still willing to want to try” Costia replied desperately “Not only that but she seems to genuinely have your best interests at heart and you just throw that away”

 

“But what if I commit to her, what if I agree to be in a relationship with her and completely open up to her and she finally realizes what she has signed up for? Clarke could have anyone she wanted, she could find someone who is less complicated than me” Lexa countered her friend once more

 

“Yet she still wanted you” Anya chimed in quickly

 

“So what happens then, though?” Lexa asked with a sigh “What if I’m too much for her and then we break up? Where does that leave me?”

 

“Probably in the same position you left her” Costia replied honestly “All I’m saying Lexa is that you should let her make her own decision on whether she wants you or not. I think you are just hiding behind the fact that you don’t think you are ready for a relationship because you don’t want Clarke to reject you later so you’re beating her to it and I think that is really selfish”

 

“I’m not trying to be selfish, that was the one thing I was trying not to do” Lexa shook her head quickly, frustrated with the situation she had created “I did exactly what her friend said and I was selfless because I want her but I let her go. I couldn’t give her what she wanted and I couldn’t be what she needed”

 

“But the one person you didn’t consult about this was the one person whose heart you broke”

 

“Do you think I don’t know that I broke her heart?” Lexa snapped “I broke my own heart doing what I did”

 

“I’m going to wait downstairs” Costia disappointedly replied as she walked to Lexa’s bedroom door “You better fix this and talk to the poor girl and I don’t want you coming to Miami if you are just going to mope around like this”

 

“Costia” Anya spoke quickly

 

“No she needs to hear that. She can shut whoever she wants out but when this involves someone else’s feelings she can’t just ignore it” Costia retorted bluntly before she disappeared from Lexa’s apartment

 

“Maybe I haven’t changed at all then, I guess I was just protecting myself” Lexa mumbled “Which just means I made the right decision”

 

“You have changed” Anya said firmly “First of all you would have never gotten this close to her if you hadn’t changed but Costia is right. You should have actually talked to Clarke about this and you need to make up your own mind as to whether you think you are ready for this or not. If you aren’t then maybe you do need to move apartments to give you both some space but if _you_ think you could be ready then don’t listen to what her friend has said and try to get her back”

 

“I want to be ready” Lexa said closing her eyes tightly “I do but it’s terrifying”

 

“Some great things in life are terrifying” Echo responded sympathetically, taking a step backwards “I’m going to make sure Costia hasn’t punched anyone”

 

“I know you better than anyone and I know just how much you care about Clarke, I can see how much of a difference she makes in you and she definitely makes you a better person but most of all she genuinely makes you happy” Anya said with a sigh “And I think that is something worth fighting for”

 

“I told her that I didn’t want it though and I just let her leave” Lexa shook her head, rubbing her eyes gently

 

“While I think you are stubborn and I agree with Costia that you’re stupid for doing what you did, I think that you can still salvage this. I think that you need to tell her what you told us and you need to put all your cards on the table, any reason why you think you push people away you need to tell her. You need to be more open with her than you have been with anyone yet in your life” Anya said seriously as she scooted up the bed to sit beside her friend “I think the hardest part though will be getting her to listen”

 

“What if she won’t?” Lexa asked

 

“Then at least you can say that you tried” Anya shrugged “I think that you messed up but I know you can fix it otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking about it like you are”

 

“I really screwed up” Lexa groaned

 

“You really did” Anya replied with a nod “But you can try and fix it”

 

“I just hate knowing that Clarke probably thinks I don’t care about her or how she is feeling” Lexa rasped “I mean I probably ruined her Christmas”

 

“Unfortunately you can’t really do anything to fix that now but you can try and make it up to her when she gets back” Anya said truthfully “Now are you coming or not?”

 

“No” Lexa said quietly “No, I’m staying here”

 

“You’re going to be alone at Christmas” Anya said raising her eyebrows

 

“I don’t care” Lexa shook her head “I’ve been alone before”

 

“You really need to put a stop to hiding your feelings” Anya said quietly as she leaned over to hug the younger girl tightly “Because you only get hurt when you do hide them even though you think you’re protecting yourself”

 

“Have a good Christmas” Lexa mumbled as she rested her head against Anya’s shoulder before they pulled away from the hug “Hopefully Costia will talk to me when she gets back”

 

“Well I can’t make any promises”

 

“Just try and get her back on my side” Lexa said with the tiniest of smiles

 

“We’re always on your side” Anya said genuinely, standing from the bed “Even when you’re not”

 

Lexa sighed to herself as she watched her friend leave and looked around her empty bedroom once more.

 

She couldn’t have ruined things between her and Clarke more if she had tried.

 

All she had tried to do though was do what was best for Clarke.

 

Her friends were right, she should have talked to Clarke about it instead of making the decision for her.

 

The whole time she had been worried about what Clarke deserved when she didn’t even consider that what she deserved was for her to make her own decision and decide her own future with Lexa.

 

Lexa was scared, she was trying to protect herself but the need to protect Clarke became greater.

 

She knew she should have talked to Clarke about it instead of just shutting her out automatically but that was just how she was.

 

Lexa couldn’t tear down every single wall she had spent building for years, she didn’t know if she wanted to because those walls had protected her very well.

 

Maybe she didn’t need to tear them down completely; maybe she didn’t need to tear them down at all.

 

Maybe she just needed to make a Clarke shaped hole.

 

Maybe she just needed to start from there and work her way forward to trusting people because Clarke had proved that some people weren’t so bad after all.

 

Clarke did deserve better, she deserved the best so if Clarke would listen then Lexa would try and give Clarke _he_ r very best

 

Lexa’s very best was different compared to what someone else’s very best may have been but it was her own and it was all she could offer.

 

She could recognize the change in herself, willing to put herself out there in order to get the other girl back.

 

The brunette just wished she could have realized in the first place and not have been so stubborn like she had.

 

If she had been then maybe she would have been in a different situation.

 

Lexa knew it was more than likely that Clarke wasn’t going to forgive her and she wasn’t going to want to listen.

 

It was more than likely that things were just going to end as they already had, with Lexa’s heart being broken.

 

For the first time in a long time though Lexa had hope in someone, she wanted to believe that things would be okay.

 

As far as she was concerned though whatever Clarke decided would be law, whatever boundaries she would set Lexa would have to abide by.

 

She didn’t leave herself any choice.

 

She was going to do just as Anya said; she was going to lay everything out on the table for Clarke, emotional insecurities and all to prove that she could go ahead with this.

 

Lexa was ready.

 

She was ready for whatever Clarke would give her now but unfortunately it took almost a complete breakdown for her to realize that.

 

Clarke had been completely right when she said that Lexa was only terrified because she didn’t think she was strong as she thought she was on her own anymore.

 

Not since the blonde in apartment 1812 came into her life and stole her heart while Lexa had her guard down.

 

She just knew that she had a lot of groveling to do and she needed to put together the best case she ever had in her time studying in law school.

 

If she could manage to get Clarke to even listen, she knew she had chosen the right career path.

 

She just hoped that her insecure mind hadn’t cost her an opportunity with Clarke, an opportunity that she didn’t think she would get back again if she lost it this time.

 

Lexa had been selfish, she had been stubborn but she had been wrong.

 

And she was going to have to come clean and admit that.

 

Costia was completely correct in everything she said to her and Lexa always knew she could count on the other girl’s honesty.

 

For an intelligent woman, Lexa sure could be stupid at times.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Have a great weekend


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you guys are amazing. Thank you for the love :)
> 
> I hope you like this chapter after the last one, let me know what you think!
> 
> Excuse the possibly bad editing sorry, it's a bit late and I'm tried but I wanted to update this when I said I would

Lexa pushed gruffly through the door to her apartment complex like she had so many times before.

 

It was freezing outside and snowing steadily, the unfriendly weather matched Lexa’s unfriendly mood.

 

Lexa could be a little like the Grinch when it came to Christmas, only because her mild jealousy made her a little crankier than usual.

 

Christmas used to bother her a lot more through her teenage years but she still had her moments where she wished that just once she had experienced what she considered to be a genuine family Christmas.

 

She was big enough to admit that’s where her anger stemmed from when it was around Christmas time but she didn’t want to give into it just because on this rare occasion she was feeling sorry for herself.

 

Lexa was more so cranky this year when she had completely messed up the situation between herself and Clarke.

 

She was happy with her decision to stay in cold New York though; she didn’t want to ruin her friend’s Christmas by being miserable like she was at that moment.

 

She was also happy because she knew what day Clarke came back and she knew she would actually be home the day the other girl would be arriving so she could intercept her straight away.

 

It had only been a few days since her friends left; it had only been one more day than that since Clarke had left.

 

It had felt like an eternity though because Clarke was the only thing she could think about and would be the only thing she would think about until she saw the other girl again.

 

She couldn’t deny the fact that she had more than considered going to Ohio and trying to find Clarke in Middleton.

 

She knew though she needed time herself to figure out just what she was going to do when she saw the other girl.

 

She thought of what would happen when she saw the other girl and that was something that terrified her but it was a consequence of how she had reacted to what Bellamy had said.

 

Though Lexa was trying to do the right thing by Clarke, she was trying to be unselfish so that the hold she apparently had over the blonde could have been broken.

 

She had gone about it the wrong way and her friends were completely right when they said that she should have talked with Clarke about it instead of making the decision for her.

 

Lexa knew that Bellamy had come over to do what he thought was the right thing by Clarke and she had no intention of selling him out to the other girl because she was her own reason for how she freaked out.

 

She might just have some interesting words to say to him whenever she saw him again.

 

Lexa had taken a shift for Anya’s parents at the bookstore and closed up for the next few days until she would go back to work and cover for anyone who may have been away.

 

It was the first time she had actually left her apartment since her friend’s had left but she hadn’t been able to do any study or anything productive.

 

The only thing she was able to do was just think about the very first look Clarke was going to give to her, the first conversation they were going to have and more than likely the first thing Clarke was going to yell at her.

 

That was even if she could get Clarke to talk to her.

 

She walked to her mail locker, unlocking it quickly for the first time in a few days to find all but 1 letter was addressed Clarke Griffin.

 

Lexa rolled her eyes but paused.

 

She could just slide the letters under Clarke’s door while she was away or she could keep them and give them to the other girl when she came back.

 

It was the perfect opportunity for her to break the ice or at least to try and break it.

 

“What are you doing here?” She heard a deep voice from the office say quickly

 

“What are _you_ doing here?” Lexa asked turning to Gustus as he stood in the doorway of his office

 

“I live and work here”

 

“Well I live here” Lexa shrugged

 

“But really, I thought you were going to Miami” Gustus said “You’re a while away from there”

 

“I decided not to go” Lexa shook her head

 

“Why not?”

 

“I just didn’t want to go” Lexa replied shortly “I knew I would be in a bad mood so I decided not to go”

 

“So why are you in a bad mood?”

 

“I’m always in a bad mood” Lexa dismissed him quietly

 

“You’ve been in a good mood since Clarke moved in next door” Gustus noted, pushing the other girl for a real answer

 

“Not you too” Lexa groaned

 

“Well you have” He grinned “She has been really good for you”

 

“Well I’ve ruined that one so I actually wanted to talk to you about the possibility of me moving apartments if need be” Lexa enquired seriously, tucking the letters she had just pulled from her mail locker into her pockets

 

“Why?” Gustus asked laughing

 

“I’m serious” Lexa replied quickly “I screwed up”

 

“What did you do?” He asked raising his eyebrows

 

“I pushed Clarke away one too many times and maybe a bit too far” Lexa replied

 

“Lexa” Gustus scolded

 

“I know” Lexa replied with her hands up defensively “And I am going to try and make it right when I see her but I just want to know if there is a possibility at all for me to move apartments if I really have to”

 

“If you really need to I could move you to the 14th floor but that’s only if you really need it” Gustus said as he folded his arms

 

“Okay” Lexa answered with a nod

 

“You must have really messed up”

 

“I did” Lexa nodded “But I’m going to try and fix it”

 

“Well good luck” Gustus said with a sigh “You’ve been in that apartment since you were 18 though”

 

“I know” Lexa shrugged

 

“And what are you doing for Christmas?”

 

“Nothing” Lexa shook her head “Probably eating cereal on my couch hopefully watching a documentary”

 

“That’s what you’re doing for Christmas?” Gutus raised an eyebrow skeptically

 

“Honestly I didn’t really feel like I deserved to go to Miami after how I treated Clarke” Lexa shrugged before sighing deeply “Besides, my friends didn’t want me to go in the mood I was anyway so it’s probably best that I do that”

 

“Well what are you doing for New Years?”

 

“If I’m lucky I will be doing the same thing” Lexa replied simply

 

“Well you are more than welcome to come and spend tomorrow with me if you feel like company” Gustus answered sympathetically “You shouldn’t have to spend Christmas alone”

 

“It’s okay” Lexa shrugged “I’m used to it”

 

“But you shouldn’t be and when you fix things with Clarke you won’t have to” Gustus answered with a small smile

 

“I’m not holding out for any miracles” Lexa raised her eyebrows quickly, taking a step backwards away from Gustus “Merry Christmas”

 

“You too, Lexa” He nodded with his smile growing slowly

 

Lexa gave him an even smile before making her way back up to her apartment.

 

She unlocked her door, dumping the bag over her shoulder on the ground roughly and placing the envelopes on her coffee table before collapsing on her couch.

 

It was silent around her; she couldn’t hear any movement.

 

It was the night before Christmas after all.

 

\---

 

Lexa’s Christmas and New Year’s went pretty much as she thought it would.

 

She sat on the couch, watching whatever documentary she could to keep her mind entertained.

 

She stayed in her warm pajama’s, eating her cereal or whatever she could find in her cupboard but she was at least content to be where she was.

 

She had made the right decision by staying home and she knew that.

 

Lexa would have usually spent most of her time studying, and she had spent a lot of it going over case studies that she had gotten from her professors and reading they were given to complete before they came back but she also spent her time doing something equally as important to her.

 

She had wandered around her apartment in the monkey slippers that Anya had bought her for a joke that she wore just to spite her friend but mostly because she quickly found out how comfortable they actually were.

 

Her hands clasped tightly behind her back as she paced a circle around her couch and coffee table, losing count of how many times she had done this throughout her winter break.

 

Being alone had given Lexa a lot of time to think and reflect on what exactly she wanted and what she could give.

 

She also spent a lot of time rehearsing her opening and closing statements she would offer Clarke, like any good lawyer would.

 

She wasn’t going to go out on a whim like she had done when she kissed Clarke without thinking of the consequences.

 

Lexa wasn’t going to leave anything to chance.

 

In the Art of War, Sun Tzu had said a key to victory was to ponder and deliberate before making a move so that was what Lexa was doing.

 

Obviously it wasn’t going to be as easy as an opening and closing statement because she knew that Clarke would argue with her but she was expecting that.

 

Lexa knew she would have to think on her feet but as long as she knew what she was going to say, she knew she wouldn’t freeze up and panic when Clarke threw something at her she wasn’t expecting.

 

The brunette also knew that there was a big chance that Clarke wouldn’t even talk to her when she got home and she completely deserved that, but Lexa had to try.

 

She had hurt Clarke, she was very aware of that but Lexa just wanted to try and make up for it if she could in any way possible.

 

Lexa just wished that Clarke knew that the person maddest at herself was actually herself.

 

She knew she screwed up.

 

When emotions get involved, Lexa doesn’t know what to do and she made the wrong decision.

 

Lexa had made the decision to cut Clarke off when Bellamy had spoken the hard truth to her so she was going to let Clarke make and set any rules she wanted as to how the rest of their interactions were going to go.

 

She was going to face her fears and do as Anya suggested.

 

Everything was going to be thrown out onto the table for Clarke to see whether she wanted to buy into the idea of them together or not still.

 

Lexa was going to offer everything up; insecurities, fears and all.  

 

It was the Saturday before classes resumed the following week and Lexa knew that Clarke was due back that day.

 

Unless she had changed her schedule or flight for some reason to stay at home longer, she would be home that day.

 

Lexa wasn’t working that day, she was only working the next and it was going to be a quiet day for her.

 

Depending on how things went with Clarke it was probably a good thing she would be out of her apartment tomorrow to be at work.

 

If nothing else just to give Clarke some space if she needed it.

 

Lexa thankfully would have her friends back too on Sunday, she just hoped that Costia would talk to her by then.

 

She had heard from them numerous times over the 2 weeks they had been in Miami to check how she was but Lexa knew she would need to talk to Costia especially to make sure they were okay.

 

They were two strong personalities so they tended to clash and what she had said to Lexa before they left was true, but it was no exception to that fact.

 

Lexa was pacing furiously around her apartment, her brain working overtime knowing that she could hear Clarke come back to her apartment at any moment now that it was afternoon.

 

Her wavy hair was a little wilder than usual but she kept it out, her glasses sat on the top of her head and her eyebrows were creased in deep thought with her jaw clenched.

 

Lexa’s eyes were trained directly to the floor in front of her as she walked with her arms behind her back and that was when she heard it.

 

She heard footsteps coming down the quiet hall towards her apartment and it made her body freeze.

 

Her body may have frozen but she felt as if her heartbeat had almost doubled as she carefully listened to the echoing sound of boots moving closer towards her apartment, hearing a bag drag behind those boots.

 

It was Clarke.

 

Lexa exhaled shakily, remembering in that moment that she needed to breathe in order for her to actually converse with the other girl or to just stay standing.

 

She heard Clarke pause outside her door, unlocking her door and quickly moving inside the apartment.

 

The door closed behind her and locked with a quiet click, seemingly pausing when she was inside.

 

Lexa realized that Clarke was probably listening to hear if she could decipher any sounds coming through her walls.

 

Lexa also realized that the blonde probably thought that Lexa wasn’t going to be home until tomorrow because she was supposed to be in Miami.

 

She heard the TV being turned on next-door and muffled movement that became less evident as Clarke moved further away to her bedroom.

 

Lexa’s eyes shot to the pile of mail that had only grown since she found the 6 letters in her mail locker on Christmas Eve.

 

She now had a handful of Clarke’s mail that had been left in her mail locker that needed to be returned to the other girl.

 

The brunette probably could have waited but she knew if she didn’t go as soon as Clarke got back, she might think too much and scare herself out of going.

 

So with that she took another deep breath, exhaling shakily once more as her eyes squeezed themselves shut momentarily before she pushed off her back foot to take that first step towards the door.

 

Whatever happened after that point was going to be up to Clarke and Lexa didn’t like when things weren’t under her control.

 

But that was just something she was going to have to accept.

 

She took the envelopes in her hand, opening her door with a shaky hand and moving to stand in front of Clarke’s apartment.

 

She knocked quietly three times before her arm fell to her side, feeling physically sick in the stomach due to her nerves.

 

The door opened quickly and her eyes took in the sight of her blonde neighbour, who had looked heartbroken the last time Lexa had seen her face.

 

Her eyes staring directly at her were filled with somewhat shock before they were occupied with anger and her whole expression hardened.

 

“Uh you got some mail” Lexa mumbled nervously, holding out the mail for Clarke to take

 

Clarke looked to the mail before looking back to Lexa and they just stood staring at each other for a few seconds.

 

Clarke took the mail from Lexa’s hand wordlessly, taking a step backwards into her apartment and closing the door in the brunette’s face.

 

Lexa blinked quickly, visibly flinching as the door closed.

 

She knew she deserved that; the exchange had actually gone better than she had thought it might.

 

At least Clarke didn’t throw anything at her or slap her because she probably deserved that too.

 

That was the one way to get Clarke to talk to her though, so she wasn’t sure what she was going to do for a moment.

 

Until her mind landed on something she had completely forgotten about until that point.

 

Lexa turned on her heel to take a few big strides into her apartment, kneeling next to her coffee table and rifling through a pile of papers before landing on the half torn piece of paper she was looking for.

 

The IOU note Clarke had given her.

 

Lexa knew it was a long shot but she thought she would try it anyway.

 

So she determinedly marched back to Clarke’s door, knocking again quietly.

 

Clarke opened the door once more, a fire in her eyes that Lexa had never witnessed before.

 

There weren’t many people that could make Lexa hesitate or scare easily but Clarke could do it with just a glance.

 

Lexa held out the note to Clarke, the paper shaking in her hand as she silently urged Clarke to take it.

 

“What do you want, Lexa?” Clarke asked wearily, her strained voice not matching her hard expression

 

“I just want to talk” Lexa offered calmly

 

“Why are you home?” Clarke replied folding her arms defensively

 

“I stayed home” Lexa answered with a nod, withdrawing her hand “But I want to cash in that note because you said I could cash it in at any time. I just want to talk to you and more to the point I want to apologize”

 

“For what?” Clarke snapped “For being the reason I cried pretty much the whole flight home or for practically leading me on and then breaking my heart?”

 

“I didn’t lead you on”

 

“Didn’t you?” Clarke raised her eyebrows

 

“No, I swear everything I felt…I feel is real for you” Lexa said firmly “It might not seem like it but I was trying to protect you”

 

“I’m a big girl Lexa, if you didn’t want a relationship with me from the beginning then you should have said so. You didn’t need to keep dragging it out and tell me you weren’t ready” Clarke retorted angrily “Whatever you felt for me, I know was real because I felt it too but you hiding your feelings doesn’t make them go away. You’re only lying to yourself and on top of that, it makes you a coward, Lexa. You are a coward for trying to make your problems disappear by ignoring them rather than just facing whatever it is that stops you from opening up and actually trusting people”

 

Lexa just stood there as Clarke completely berated her because she knew that she deserved it but also that her neighbour needed to express how she was feeling.

 

Lexa couldn’t do anything to stop Clarke as she paused, just staring a burning hole through the brunette before she continued.

 

“And for someone who doesn’t want their past to define who they are now you sure let your past and what your parents did damage your future. You are lying to yourself if you think that it hasn’t either. If you keep pushing people away like you do then you’ll end up alone and with no one. Not only that but you’ll miss out on a lot of great people in your life because believe it or not Lexa, you are a great person when you manage to let your walls down” The blonde continued, raising her voice slightly as her frustration grew “I know you are still haunted by your experiences in the past but it won’t hang over your head like this if you don’t let it. I can see right through you, no matter what brave front or mask you put on, I can see right through you and I’m not going to let you walk all over me like that. I’m not going to go back and forth anymore because it hurt me too much the first time. I’m not stupid enough to go through that twice”

 

Lexa waited for Clarke to continue as the blonde’s chest heaved but she didn’t.

 

She didn’t continue her words but her eyes still raged, showing Lexa just how angry Clarke was.

 

“Okay well first of all I don’t think you are stupid at all, I think you’re quite the opposite” Lexa replied calmly “And I know that it doesn’t really help now but my heart broke just as much as yours did when I said what I did before you left to go to Ohio”

 

“I very much doubt that”

 

“No, it did. I let you in Clarke. I really did but I push people away in the hopes that it will make my feelings go away, which I know is stupid and I know it’s wrong but it works. It usually works but it didn’t with you because I actually care about you and your feelings” Lexa began to try and explain herself, choosing her words very carefully

 

“Which is still horrible and selfish” Clarke snapped

 

“Yes okay but I pushed you away because I didn’t think I could give you the relationship you deserve. You are the literally best human being I have ever met Clarke, and I didn’t think that anything I could give you would be even close to enough so I pushed you away” Lexa confessed earnestly “I know that I should have talked to you about it instead and I shouldn’t have panicked like I did but I know you were unhappy, I know you felt stuck”

 

“How did you know I felt stuck?” Clarke asked quickly, raising her eyebrows curiously

 

“I don’t think that really matters” Lexa shook her head dismissively “I care about you Clarke and I know it might not have seemed like it and I know I went about it the wrong way”

 

“So what changed?” Clarke replied with a sigh

 

“I did I guess” Lexa shrugged as she searched for further words “I talked to my friends and they told me how wrong I was not to just talk to you about it and tell you. They told me that I had to try and fix it because I knew I screwed up. They told me that I needed to lay everything out on the table and that’s what I’m trying to do right now”

 

“Okay so if you are being honest with me then why did you really push me away?” Clarke asked in a frustrated tone “Why do you always say you aren’t ready for a relationship?”

 

“Because you’re better than me, Clarke, In every single way you are better than me and you could _do_ better than me. I didn’t want to fall for you only for you to realize just what you were getting yourself into” Lexa answered honestly, feeling a weight disappear from her shoulders

 

“But you can trust someone, it’s okay to trust that someone won’t hurt you” Clarke responded quickly

 

“I know that but I have never been in a relationship for that very fact. I’ve never had to depend on anyone else to protect my heart; I’ve never had to depend on anyone who could just destroy me if they chose to because I’ve never given it away” Lexa said swallowing thickly, squeezing her eyes shut tightly again as she felt her nerves grow once more “I know this is a bad excuse and I shouldn’t even have excuses but I don’t like getting my hopes up for anyone or anything because it always falls through for me. I hoped that one day someone would adopt me but it never happened, I hoped for a while that one day maybe my parents would come back but they never did. I have never wanted someone so much to want to give them that power over me but I want you”

 

When Lexa opened her eyes she noticed that Clarke looked visibly calmer than what she had before she had just made that confession.

 

She could see Clarke’s mind running overtime, a deep sigh leaving her mouth as her shoulders slumped slightly.

 

“I don’t know what it is about you that made me trust you like I do but I don’t want to resist that anymore. You were right; I realized pretty quickly that I’m not as strong as I thought I was alone” Lexa confessed bravely

 

“How did you know I felt stuck?” Clarke pressed the question evenly again, leaning against the doorway “Who told you that?”

 

“I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus, Clarke” Lexa rasped weakly with a shake of her head “It was me who reacted badly”

 

“Please”

 

“Bellamy came by to tell me that if I didn’t think couldn’t be with you then I needed to let you go” Lexa replied regretfully before she repeated “But it was me who reacted like I did, it was me who didn’t come and talk to you about it. If you can accept me for me then I’m as ready as I will ever be. I do want to be with you and I’m ready to be in a relationship but whatever you decide, I will accept”

 

Lexa had never felt so nervous in her life as she stood in front of Clarke in the middle of the hallway.

 

She had just bared her heart more than she ever had to anyone, even to her friends.

 

Lexa didn’t know if Clarke was aware of that but she had never confessed anything like she just had to anyone and now she felt exposed in the silence.

 

The longer Clarke pondered and considered, the more scared Lexa became.

 

The old Lexa would have run a mile by the time Clarke responded, the old Lexa would have never even said half of the stuff she had just then.

 

But there she stood, her feet firmly in place knowing that she was at the mercy of her blonde neighbour.

 

“I can’t” Clarke replied with her voice just above a whisper, causing Lexa’s stomach to drop “Not yet. Not until you can prove to me that you aren’t going to pull away again. Not until you can show me that you are capable of changing. I know exactly what I am getting into with you and I knew that before you pushed me away. I just want to be able to make my own decision”

 

“Okay” Lexa answered, her jaw tightening as she nodded “Whatever you want to do”

 

“I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you because I do and I think you know that” Clarke replied reassuringly “But I don’t want to have my heart broken again so I want to take some time so you can prove to me you’re not just going to do the same thing when things do become serious”

 

“Okay” Lexa repeated, her eyes falling to her feet before she looked back up to the blonde “Whatever you need”

 

“You should have just told me all of this from the start” Clarke scolded gently

 

“I know I should have” Lexa replied “But I’m going to be better because that’s what you deserve”

 

“We’ll see” Clarke nodded, her tone unexpressive “I need to go unpack, thank you for getting my mail”

 

“You’re welcome” Lexa said simply “I’m glad you’re back. Maybe you can tell me about your trip at some stage”

 

“I will” Clarke’s mouth twitched with a smile “I’m glad to be back too”

 

“Let me know if you need anything” Lexa offered awkwardly as she stood in place, not moving backwards away from the door, waiting for Clarke to close the door in front of her

 

“Thanks” Clarke replied with a nod pausing before she took a small step backwards to close the door “Nice slippers by the way, kind of ruins your image though”

 

“I quite like them” Lexa responded playfully

 

Clarke flashed Lexa a small smile which made her heart only race faster, knowing that she had made the right decision to let this amazing girl make her way into her very core.

 

The door closed in front of her, this time with a quiet click and Lexa sighed shakily once more.

 

She had hope.

 

It was just up to her to make sure she showed Clarke that she was serious about being ready.

 

Lexa was intelligent enough to know that things would still be fractured for a while and she didn’t blame Clarke at all for that.

 

She only had herself to blame.

 

Lexa just had to make sure that she didn’t push Clarke away when the blonde made her decision to continue forward.

 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile, looking down to her feet as she stayed stuck in front of Clarke’s door.

 

She was proud of herself for exposing her heart like she had, she was proud that she let Clarke in like that.

 

It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t something that she took for granted, no one had pushed Lexa to come out of her shell like that so she knew that Clarke was something special.

 

Intelligent Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have an update for you soon :)
> 
> Hope you had a great weekend.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys continue to blow me away with your nice comments and all your feedback, I really appreciate all of it! 
> 
> Chapter 10 for you all, as always please let me know your thoughts. 
> 
> I hope you like it!

Lexa looked at herself in the mirror, combing her fingers through her newly straightened hair with a very small but present smile.

 

It had been a long first week back at law school for her, her classes starting intensely as she neared the end of her college career and she was tired.

 

She wasn’t smiling at her own appearance, she wasn’t smiling at the fact that she was only working on Saturday and finally had a day off on Sunday.

 

Lexa wasn’t even smiling because it was the first time in a long time she had actually felt like going out with her friends like she was just about to.

 

She was nervous to see her friends, she hadn’t seen Costia yet since they got back because they had both been busy so she knew that would be interesting.

 

Lexa was smiling to herself because she could hear cheerful laughter coming from Clarke’s apartment next door and she was happy that the other girl was happy in that moment.

 

Clarke had a few of her friends over that Friday night, she didn’t know what they were getting up to but she could hear their muffled voices and collective laughter, which was a welcome change to the silence Lexa had heard for 2 weeks.

 

It had only been a week since Clarke had come home and it had only been a week since Lexa had completely bared her heart to the other girl.

 

In all honesty, Lexa hadn’t really seen Clarke that much during the week either.

 

When they had seen each other it had been pleasant but it had been a little awkward, only because Lexa was letting Clarke dictate how they communicated and she didn’t want to over step any boundaries.

 

The ball was completely in Clarke’s court and Lexa was just waiting for Clarke to decide when she wanted to send that back to the brunette.

 

But Lexa knew it was up to her to prove to Clarke that she was capable of change, that her habits weren’t too sewn into the fabrics of who she was.

 

It was a slow process and Lexa knew it was going to take some time but she knew she couldn’t fail this time because if she did, she would most certainly lose Clarke for good.

 

She hadn’t really been given many second chances in life but this was one that she was going to latch onto.

 

Because she had learnt over the winter break that she was just stronger when Clarke was around and that was okay too.

 

After one final moment with her thoughts, Lexa moved to put her navy blue hooded coat on and left her apartment quickly.

 

She made her way through the cold night to a restaurant that Anya had recommended and they had all agreed to meet at.

 

It was a little further away from her apartment than she would have liked in the cold but for some reason, Lexa felt as if she had some groveling to do to her friends as well.

 

Once she reached the large restaurant she paused, looking for her 3 friends that had already confirmed they were waiting for her there.

 

Lexa was meticulously on time to anything she was committed to attending and dinner with her friends was no exception.

 

Her friends were usually late but for once they had beaten her and she had established that once she saw her friends sitting at a table in the corner of the restaurant.

 

She bypassed the hostess and walked straight to the table that her friends were waiting at, pausing their conversation when they saw Lexa.

 

Lexa looked awkwardly to Costia who sighed quietly, pushing her chair out from underneath herself and standing to hug the younger girl tightly who stood in front of her.

 

Lexa visibly relaxed into the firm hug, pulling away after a moment to take her seat at the table.

 

“Well that was much nicer to see than the last time you two saw each other” Anya said with a grin as she looked between the two girls

 

“Yeah but Lexa was being a jerk the last time I saw her” Costia replied sharply, pursing her lips

 

“Yeah okay” Lexa conceded quickly as she shrugged her coat from her shoulders onto the back of her chair “Believe me, I am going to be trying to prove myself for Clarke for a while but it’s just what I have to do. I don’t want you guys offside too”

 

“I’m glad I got mad at you, it actually sounds like you’re a responsive human being now” Costia noted smartly, nudging the other girl in the ribs gently

 

“Thanks” Lexa said sarcastically “I guess I do owe you guys for talking some sense into me”

 

“You definitely owe us” Echo replied jokingly

 

“So how was Miami, anyway?” Lexa asked settling into her chair “What did I miss?”

 

“You didn’t miss a lot” Anya shrugged looking to Echo next to her and then to Costia who was smirking

 

“Anya met a boy” Costia said raising her eyebrows

 

“You did?” Lexa raised an eyebrow as a smile pulled at her lips

 

“It’s not really a big deal” Anya shook her head “Just a bit of a Christmas fling, I mean I had to kiss someone on at midnight on New Year’s Eve”

 

“You’re all pairing up and I’m just single old me” Costia spoke, feigning hurt in her voice weakly

 

“Which is your choice” Lexa reminded her friend

 

“And it was yours too”

 

“For different reasons” Lexa corrected her quickly “I didn’t want to have my heart broken, you just didn’t want to commit”

 

“Yeah but it’s the same thing and you know it” Costia replied with a sarcastic wink “I mean that’s why you and I…”

 

“Okay” Lexa said holding her hands up defensively “Okay, you win”

 

“Bad memories?” Echo smirked

 

“I think not” Costia said crinkling her eyebrows

 

“Stop” Lexa groaned “I just came to have dinner with you all, not be subjected to this”

 

“Yeah the poor girl has been through enough” Anya said biting her cheek to stop herself from laughing

 

“So what’s actually happening with you and Clarke now anyway?” Echo asked curiously, balancing her chin in her hand as her elbow rested on the table

 

“She wants to be with me but I just need to prove that I can get close to her again without pulling away” Lexa replied firmly

 

“Can you do that?” Echo responded quickly with another question

 

“I have to” Lexa shrugged “It’ll be slow but that’s okay, I’m lucky she is even giving me a second chance really”

 

“I’m proud of you” Anya said with a grin “You’ll find out that it’s not so bad letting people in”

 

“I’m not letting people in, I’m just letting Clarke in” Lexa corrected very quickly “I’m trying to open up for her but that doesn’t mean I’m going to start a book club in my apartment building or anything”

 

“I’d love to see that” Costia scoffed

 

Dinner went well, Lexa always appreciated how her friends could so quickly make her feel at ease even after things had been left so awkwardly between them all since the last time they were together.

 

She felt completely at ease for the first time in a few weeks as she sat at the table listening to her friends tell stories about their Christmas in Miami.

 

Lexa even enjoyed how they mocked her when she told them all about how she had spent her break pacing her apartment or watching more documentaries on the couch to pass the time.

 

As they stood from the table after paying the bill, Lexa paused as she recognized the soft laughter coming from behind where she was facing at the table.

 

Her head turned quickly, noticing that Clarke was sitting with Octavia, Lincoln, Raven and Bellamy.

 

Lexa and her friends were sitting at a table that was right in front of a partition in the restaurant so it was very possible and more likely than not that Clarke wouldn’t have even spotted them.

 

“You guys must have a sonar for each other or something” Costia said placing a heavy hand on Lexa’s shoulder, resting her chin on her hand all to get a reaction from Lexa “Or you secretly just plan to follow each other”

 

But she didn’t get a reaction because Lexa was too distracted by her own thoughts.

 

Clarke hadn’t seen her, that was clear but Lexa had spotted the blonde.

 

Lexa knew that her neighbours friend’s probably wouldn’t react well to her but she also knew that the last time something like this happened; Clarke wondered why she didn’t just come and say hi.

 

She exhaled nervously as she weighed up the two very simply choices sitting in front of her.

 

One was a definition of the old Lexa, just leaving and staying in her own comfortable world.

 

The other was the symbolism of a new side to Lexa that she was trying to display, _for_ Clarke.

 

“We live in the same building and hang around the same places” Lexa shrugged Costia from her shoulder, her eyes tearing from Clarke to look to her friends “Besides, you did say that everyone was trying to eat here this weekend”

 

“The food was testament to why” Echo nodded “Looks like they got a good table too”

 

“I should go and say hi” Lexa said quietly as she looked back to Clarke and her friends

 

“You should?” Costia asked raising her eyebrows “Who are you?”

 

“I know but I told her that I would try” Lexa said resignedly “So that’s what I am going to do. I’ll meet you out the front?”

 

“Yeah” Anya nodded “You don’t want anyone to come with you?”

 

“I can go myself” Lexa rolled her eyes with a grin “But thanks”

 

With that she took the difficult first step towards the table, knowing that she had a very good chance of being yelled at _very_ publically in a restaurant but she needed to prove something to Clarke and that’s what she was trying to do.

 

Her legs grew unsteady as she moved closer to the lively table, Raven was the first to spot Lexa as she was on approach and it didn’t take long for the rest of the table to catch on.

 

Lexa’s eyes held Clarke’s gaze who had a surprised look covering her face but it quickly turned to a subtle smile when the brunette stopped beside her.

 

“I don’t want to disturb your dinner but I saw you here and thought I should come and say hi” Lexa offered awkwardly, holding her hands together in front of her

 

“Hey” Clarke greeted in return, standing from her chair “Did you just get here?”

 

“No, my friends and I just finished dinner” Lexa gestured to her friends who were waiting out the front for her “The food is really good here”

 

“You just came by to tell us that?” Bellamy asked gruffly from beside her

 

“I just came by to say hello” Lexa ducked her head, her eyes staying focused on Clarke only

 

“Okay, well you said hi” Raven replied, her tone wasn’t angry or unpleasant but simply cautious

 

“I did” Lexa replied with a sheepish smile “I’ll leave you to it”

 

“I’ll see you back at home” Clarke nodded, the smile tugging at the corner of her lips increasing to cover her whole mouth

 

“Yeah, have a good night guys” Lexa offered weakly before turning on her heel and rushing away from the table she had just been standing next to

 

When she reached her friends they were all watching her silently, a wide eyed expression reflected on each of their faces

 

“Is one of them threatening you or something because I have never seen you so scared and awkward all at the same time” Costia said breaking the silence as she handed Lexa the coat she had left at the table

 

“No I’m just treading lightly around them because I know how protective they are with Clarke” Lexa replied honestly “And I don’t blame them right now”

 

“Let’s get out of this weird dimension” Costia said sarcastically, nudging the other girl gently before looping her arm around her friend’s shoulders loosely

 

They exited the restaurant but didn’t get a few steps away from the exit before their attention was caught by a voice calling Lexa.

 

The 4 girls all turned their heads quickly, craning their necks to see Clarke’s friend Bellamy jogging towards them.

 

 Lexa noticed that Costia’s arm dropped from her shoulders immediately only to link their arms together tightly, protectively.

 

“Yes?” Lexa asked expectantly raising her eyebrows as the raven haired man stopped right in front of her

 

“I just wanted to say thank you. I know that Clarke asked who came and talked to you and you didn’t throw me under the bus like you could have” He said with a nod “Even though you kind of screwed up too”

 

“I didn’t talk to her because of you, I did it because she deserved that” Lexa said firmly, feeling any shyness leave her body “And I screwed up because of you”

 

“You screwed up because of me?” He asked in a surprised tone

 

“Keep your head out of their business” Costia said defensively “We could have interfered plenty of times too but we’ve left Clarke and Lexa to figure it out on their own so just stay out of it now”

 

“I’m just being protective” Bellamy shrugged “I’m sure you can understand that”

 

“You’re right” Anya said from behind Lexa “We can understand that but it’s done now so why don’t we all just agree to let them figure things out themselves”

 

“Okay well I’m right here” Lexa said glancing back to Anya before she turned back to Bellamy “And I do have to at least thank you for telling me what I didn’t want to hear but you do need to stay out of it from now on. I can appreciate you looking out for Clarke but this is between the two of us”

 

“If you hurt her” Bellamy began to warn harmlessly

 

“If I hurt her then I can guarantee you I will be hurting just as much” Lexa replied coolly “And I’m not going to hurt her”

 

“Okay” Bellamy gave Lexa a small nod before she took a few steps away, looking between the friends before turning on his heel and walking back into the restaurant

 

“He is an interesting one” Costia furrowed her eyebrows “Coming out here after you”

 

“You didn’t throw him under the bus?” Anya asked curiously

 

“I told Clarke it was him but she basically had to pull that out of me” Lexa shrugged

 

“Maybe you should have” Costia replied as she gave the other girl’s arm a squeeze, tugging her to begin walking again

 

“Well everything was my fault so blaming someone else wasn’t going to fix it”

 

“But you did just blame him” Echo laughed

 

“I blamed him when I was talking to him” Lexa smirked with a shake of the head “Plus I fixed the problem myself anyway”

 

“You must really like Clarke if you’re willing to go through all of this” Anya said with a small smile

 

 “She’s okay” Lexa shrugged as she hid the smile that had taken over her expression by looking down at her feet

 

\---

 

Lexa parted from Anya and Echo as they began they passed their blocks and she walked Costia right to the front of her apartment complex.

 

She made her way back to her own apartment building, spotting Gustus standing by the mail lockers with envelopes in his hands and a furrowed brow as soon as she reached the inside of the building.

 

He opened the mail locker under what she knew was hers and removed a handful of envelopes before closing it once more, someone’s mail still in his hands.

 

Lexa paused as he placed his keys into his pockets and placed the white envelopes into her mail locker quickly before turning around to see the brunette standing in front of him.

 

“It’s you” Lexa said with wide eyes

 

“What are you talking about?” Gustus asked, a guilty expression on his face

 

“You’re the one who has been putting Clarke’s mail in my locker” Lexa spoke quickly, taking a step in towards Gustus who scrambled backwards “Has it been you the whole time?”

 

“That is not what it looked like” Gustus denied once more

 

“No?” Lexa asked as a smile grew over her lips “Because to me it looked as if you were just putting Clarke’s mail into my locker. I mean it makes sense now seeing as you have a key to all the lockers and it’s not like the mailman would be confused with the lockers, it’s his job. I mean sure they are next to each other but they are clearly marked with our numbers. I can’t believe it’s you”

 

Gustus just stared at Lexa for a moment after her barrage of words, his eyes darting around the room to try and think of some kind of reasoning as to why he had just been caught red handed but they both knew he wasn’t going to win this battle.

 

“Okay, yeah it’s been me and I’m glad you caught me because it has been a lot of effort to keep this up for the last few months” Gustus replied as he folded his arms but a smile appeared on his face

 

“So you blamed the mailman when he hasn’t done anything wrong” Lexa replied before she paused “And that’s why he always grumbled at me when I told him he needed to do his job correctly? I’m going to have to apologize because of you”

 

“The first time to be fair he _did_ actually do it” Gustus explained objectively

 

“How long were you going to keep this up?”

 

“Until one of you figured it out and I thought you would have done it sooner being a law student and all” Gustus teased lightly

 

“I’m a law student, not a detective” Lexa smirked “Besides, I just thought I had offended the mailman and he was doing this to spite me”

 

“Of course” Gustus replied while his voice was filled with amusement

 

“You were caught red handed” Lexa said proudly before she paused “Why though?”

 

“Because when I met Clarke I knew she was a good young girl. When I met her I knew she was pretty similar to you in her character but she was opposite to you in a lot of other things” Gustus shrugged

 

“So you just decided to play match maker” Lexa smirked before her eyes turned wide “Did you purposely move her in next to me?”

 

“No” Gustus replied very quickly, moving his hands out in front of himself defensively “No I definitely didn’t go that far. Her apartment was one of the only ones ready for someone to move into after we started renovations. _That_ was just pure luck”

 

“But you didn’t think I would actually talk to her?”

 

“Would you have?” Gustus challenged gently “I mean you don’t talk to anyone else in the building”

 

“I might have” Lexa replied with a small smile “Clarke’s a little different”

 

“I just thought that you needed a little push, that’s all” Gustus shrugged “I just thought it would be nice for you to maybe make a friend in the building so you could have someone to talk to here”

 

“Why have you done so much for me?” Lexa asked seriously with a small sigh “Why continue to help me like that when you have already done so much?”

 

“Because you deserve these chances, you just needed someone to give you those chances and you always run with them” Gustus said simply “Even when you screw things up like you did with Clarke. Did you fix that by the way?”

 

“I’m in the process” Lexa nodded as she pulled her keys out from her pocket “I guess I should take out her mail for the last time”

 

“Yeah I’m glad you caught me” Gustus repeated with a chuckle

 

“Thank you” Lexa said sincerely “No more meddling though”

 

“Don’t you worry, my meddling is done” Gustus laughed as he affectionately ruffled Lexa’s hair before walking away

 

Lexa grinned to herself as she pulled out the 4 letters from her locker; both were for Clarke.

 

She laughed quietly to herself and made her way up to her room, deciding to take advantage of a spare moment to have a long, hot shower.

 

She stayed in there longer than she probably should, enjoying the warmth and heat against her skin where the cold wind had been so harsh outside.

 

After she got out of the shower she heard a quiet tap on her door.

 

She hurried out from her bathroom, pulling on her loose pajama shirt over her body as her large sweat pants practically dragged behind her and was in the process of tying her hair up into a high bun when she reached the door.

 

Lexa wouldn’t have bothered to hurry if she didn’t know who was at the door but she knew it was going to be Clarke.

 

It had to be.

 

No one else was going to visit her at night but her friends and Clarke.

 

Clarke was indeed standing in front of her with a small smile on her face, her eyes looking up from the floor to greet Lexa’s as soon as the door opened.

 

Lexa swore that her eyes had just gotten bluer ever since she had gotten back from Middleton, maybe that’s what Middleton did to a person.

 

Or maybe it was because the last time she saw Clarke before she left for Middleton her eyes looked almost grey with sadness, missing that deep blue sparkle that usually occupied the area.

 

“Hey” Lexa said with a small smile as she finished tying her hair up

 

“Hi” Clarke replied, her smile growing “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

 

“Nope, I’m warm _and_ clean so you have gotten me at a great time” Lexa joked weakly, realizing how weird she had sounded “Did you just come back from dinner?”

 

“Yeah everyone wanted to go out after but I kind of just felt like coming home” Clarke responded quietly as she shrugged

 

“You’re starting to sound like me”

 

“I know, it’s seeping through the walls” Clarke chuckled lightly “I just wanted to say thank you for making the effort you did tonight”

 

“All I did was come and say hi” Lexa waved her off “And I don’t think your friends really appreciated it”

 

“That’s because they don’t know how difficult that would have been” Clarke reasoned with another shrug “But anyway, I just wanted to say thanks”

 

“I told you I would try” Lexa said simply as she leaned her shoulder against her open door “And I’ll do whatever I have to”

 

“I’ll leave you to it” Clarke nodded as she took a step backwards into the hall

 

“Oh, okay” Lexa answered stiffly, their interactions still slightly awkward since Clarke had come home

 

“Have a good night” Clarke rasped quietly, the husk of her tone making Lexa’s chest tighten

 

“Wait” Lexa said quickly as she reached out to grab Clarke’s hand gently “Do you want to come in and hang out for a while? It’s only 10 and we haven’t really caught up since you’ve been home. If you don’t want to then that’s fine but the invitation is there”

 

Clarke’s eyes dropped to their adjoined hands, her thumb absentmindedly stroking the back of Lexa’s hand gently.

 

“Let me go and have a shower myself so we’re even” Clarke nodded as she took another step towards her apartment, letting go of Lexa’s hand “I’ll be right back”

 

“I’ll just leave my unlocked so just come in”

 

“You know anyone could have heard that in this building” Clarke challenged with an amused grin

 

“Yeah but they all live in the building and we have the same apartments” Lexa replied with a shrug “Besides, the most valuable thing I have is probably my text books and unless they want to study law, I think I’m okay”

 

“I’ll see you soon” Clarke chuckled

 

\---

 

Lexa sat waiting on her couch for only 15 minutes and she could hear everything that was going on next door anyway.

 

She heard Clarke’s shower running, smiling as she heard the blonde singing quietly in the shower to herself.

 

Lexa heard her neighbour shuffling around her apartment before exiting, closing the door and appearing in front of her as her own door opened.

 

“Since when do you sing in the shower?” Lexa raised an eyebrow

 

“I think the question is since when can you hear it?” Clarke asked with wide eyes as she closed the door behind her

 

“Well I guess usually I’m either not home or I have the TV on” Lexa replied with a shrug

 

“So why are you sitting here in silence then?” Clarke questioned, moving to the couch to sit next to Lexa who pulled a blanket over the blonde’s legs

 

“I was just caught up in my head” Lexa shrugged once more as she reached over to the coffee table to grab the remote and turn the TV on for some background noise because she knew she wouldn’t be paying attention to it

 

“Deep sea documentaries?” Clarke asked with a small smile as her question was answered by the documentary on TV

 

“They’re interesting” Lexa defended quietly, nudging the other girl gently

 

“And I’m guessing that’s my mail?” Clarke asked gesturing to the envelopes sitting on the coffee table where the brunette had just reached

 

“Yeah but that’s the last time that will happen” Lexa smirked “You’ll have to check your own mail now sorry”

 

“Oh god, did you threaten the mailman or something?” Clarke said wide-eyed

 

“The mailman hasn’t been putting your mail into my locker” Lexa responded, turning her body to face Clarke completely and bringing her knees to her chest

 

“So it’s just been magically appearing there?” Clarke as sarcastically as she raised her eyebrows

 

“When I came home from dinner tonight I saw Gustus by the mail lockers and I caught him red handed” Lexa chuckled as she saw a shocked yet amused expression fall upon Clarke’s face “Apparently the mailman did it the first time but then Gustus figured out that would be a way for me to talk to you”

 

“So it _is_ actually your fault then” Clarke joked playfully

 

“Apparently so” Lexa nodded with a smile, enjoying how their conversation was finally back to flowing naturally for the first time since Clarke had left “He didn’t think that I would actually talk to you if I didn’t have a reason to”

 

“He was probably right” Clarke said fairly as she shrugged “You don’t talk to anyone else in here”

 

“Yeah I know but you’re different” Lexa replied awkwardly “I mean that’s obvious”

 

“You wouldn’t have known that though if you didn’t speak to me” Clarke answered “And I don’t know if you would have”

 

“I would have” Lexa nodded “I’ve tried not to talk to you and that just doesn’t work obviously”

 

“Shutting someone out doesn’t work” Clarke said honestly, her eyes glued to Lexa who had her eyes down on the blanket over her knees in front of her

 

“Well it does” Lexa reasoned as her eyes bravely met Clarke’s gaze “It just doesn’t work when it comes to you you”

 

“I tried to stop Bellamy coming out to speak to you tonight at the restaurant” Clarke admitted softly, her eyes screaming sincerity “Just so you know”

 

“It’s fine” Lexa replied with a shrug “I can handle Bellamy”

 

“And you know I got extremely angry at him for coming over here that night, right?” Clarke asked “He had no right to come here and talking to you like I finally got him to admit it” 

 

“It’s fine” Lexa waved her off, leaning her head against the back of the couch but her eyes never leaving Clarke’s “He told me some harsh truths I guess and I was the one who chose to react like I did”

 

“You really hurt me that day” Clarke replied truthfully “I came back to talk to you before I left because I just wanted to tell you that it was fine and it ended like that”

 

“But maybe it had to, Clarke” Lexa reasoned “I mean it _wasn’t_ fine and something had to give”

 

“I guess it did” Clarke agreed with a nod before she paused in thought, her eyes leaving Lexa’s briefly “I was pretty miserable when I got home”

 

“I’m sorry”

 

“It was just difficult going home in the first place” Clarke reasoned thoughtfully

 

“How was your Christmas anway?” Lexa asked as she leaned forward slightly

 

“Difficult” Clarke replied, her voice scratching as it left her throat “The house still smells like him and I remember it all the time but it’s another thing to experience that when I’m there. It was better than my last Christmas though at home, which I really feel like is saying something. I think it just made it a little more difficult though because I was dreading coming back too”

 

“Because of me” Lexa flinched slightly

 

“Because of what happened” Clarke corrected with a shake of her head

 

“How was your mom?”

 

“She was really good actually” Clarke replied “I hardly heard a mention of moving home while I was there because I was upset”

 

“I guess that’s a positive if nothing else is” Lexa added quietly

 

“She knew we weren’t together when she was here either” Clarke admitted casually

 

“Wait, what?” Lexa asked with wide eyes “I mean we were believable and she came to give me the talk right before she left. I thought I did a good job as a fake girlfriend”

 

“She told me she knew pretty much as soon as she got here that we weren’t actually together but she knew how much of an effort we were going to” Clarke grinned as she recalled the conversation with her mom “She gave you the talk because she could see that there were actual feelings between us and she wanted to see how committed to the story you were. Plus I think she just wanted to make you squirm”

 

“Well little did the Mayor of Middleton know how stubborn and determined I am” Lexa joked lightly

 

“She actually really liked you”

 

“But I’m guessing in order for me to go into Middleton I would probably need a stern talking to beforehand, right?” Lexa replied quickly, raising her eyebrows quickly

 

“Well I don’t know why you would want to go to Middleton but yeah, probably. She definitely wasn’t the biggest fan of you anymore when I told her what happened” Clarke answered honestly

 

“I would like to go to Middleton one day and see the All American South Western city of Ohio” Lexa responded with a winning smile that made Clarke scoff before laughter erupted through the room from the blonde

 

“Have you done more research?”

 

“Actually I picked that up the first time I did the research so it gives me an excuse to pull all of that out” Lexa shrugged as she smiled watching the other girl before her expression sobered “I am sorry though that I ruined your Christmas”

 

“You didn’t ruin it” Clarke sighed deeply “So what did you do for Christmas if you didn’t go to Miami?”

 

“Pretty much this without the company part” Lexa shrugged “I honestly just spent it working or in my apartment”

 

“And you were okay with spending Christmas alone?” Clarke questioned curiously

 

“It wasn’t the first time” The brunette shrugged “Being alone isn’t a big deal for me”

 

 “No, I guess not”

 

“It gave me all the time I needed to think anyway” Lexa admitted “And I wanted to be here when you got back”

 

“What did your friends think about you staying?” Clarke asked as she fought off the smile that tugged on her lips from the brunette’s last admission

 

“I had made up my mind that I wasn’t going but Costia pretty much served my head up on a plate and told me not to come”

 

“You know she scares me a little but I really like her for doing that” Clarke laughed lightly

 

“She scares you?” The brunette raised her eyebrows

 

“Maybe scares isn’t the right word, she’s intimidating” Clarke admitted casually “And your relationship is a little intimidating as well”

 

“She’s practically your number one fan and she was furious at me for what I did” Lexa offered reassuringly “She told me not to go to Miami and she told me some hard truths that I needed to hear”

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

 

Lexa paused because she knew what was coming.

 

She knew Clarke was going to ask about Costia and Lexa was going to have to answer her honestly.

 

If she didn’t it could cost her Clarke again but if she was honest, she wasn’t sure how Clarke would react to the truth.

 

“Have you two ever dated?” Clarke pressed cautiously

 

“Costia and I have never dated, no” Lexa replied honestly, bringing her hands up to rub her eyes

 

“But there’s something more there” Clarke observed

 

“No, there is nothing more” Lexa denied uneasily

 

“Okay but you’ve been friends with benefits” Clarke said cutting to the chase

 

“That’s the worst expression” Lexa replied with wide eyes “But I guess that’s what it is classified as. How did you know?”

 

“Well actually Raven pointed out your body language, or more Costia’s that night when you were leaving the bar” Clarke replied “That’s why I thought you guys left together”

 

“Costia and I have had a few similar life experiences so we’re close. She’s just a flirty person, which I’m not at all so what you see from me, is awkwardness. Since I am trying this whole walls down thing though, yes we have slept together but it was only twice and it was a long time ago. There’s nothing but friendship there now” Lexa confessed earnestly as she reached out to place her hand out on Clarke’s knee over the blanket

 

“I know” Clarke nodded with a small smile, her eyes looking down to the warm hand over her knee “The fact that you’re telling me all this is kind of proof enough”

 

“You don’t have an issue with that?”

 

“It’s in the past” Clarke answered without too much thought

 

“I did a lot of thinking over Christmas” Lexa replied “I will try as hard as I can to make it up to you and prove to you that I can let you in”

 

“I know that too” Clarke answered

 

“And don’t be intimidated by Costia” Lexa shrugged “You should have seen how angry at me she was before they left for Miami”

 

“I guess I will have to thank her for that” The blonde nodded

 

“So when do you think your friends won’t hate me?” Lexa asked; the question caught somewhere between serious and a joke

 

“Well they don’t hate you, they’re just cautious” Clarke admitted “And I did explain everything you said to me to them but they’re protective”

 

“They should be”

 

“Just give them time” Clarke shrugged as she pulled her hand out from under the blanket to place it on Lexa’s, squeezing it for only a moment before she pulled it away once more “Once they realize how much you’re trying they will come around”

 

The momentary contact reminding Lexa just how much she had missed the warmth the other girl possessed; even from just a simple touch.

 

That same simple touch causing goosebumps to form up her arm, which made Lexa hope the other girl didn’t notice the severity of the effect she had over her.

 

“I’ll try as long as I need to” Lexa replied in an absentminded tone while her hand stayed frozen on Clarke’s knee

 

“I just need some time to make sure you’re really willing to go through with this” Clarke reasoned as she sighed

 

“I know” Lexa responded while moving her hand away from Clarke, bringing her arms to hug her knees even closer to her chest “I’m just thankful you’re willing to give me another chance”

 

“I have to admit that you do present a pretty convincing case” Clarke nodded “So you have chosen the right career path”

 

“I know” Lexa repeated with a grin “But as much as I want to deny it, letting someone in is nice. It’s nice having you to talk to and actually tell you what I’m thinking without having to deliberate what I’m telling you. It hardly ever happens and it’s nice”

 

“It is nice” Clarke agreed “I’ve missed this”

 

“I have too” Lexa admitted with a mumble as her eyes tore away from Clarke, feeling the intensity of the conversation lift slightly

 

She could have had this all along if she hadn’t have been soon shut off and scared.

 

Lexa could tell that she was getting through to the blonde, it was evident by the fact that she had agreed to come inside and sit with her.

 

Lexa appreciated that Clarke knew she was trying but she couldn’t help but miss the closeness she had shared with the girl previously.

 

She almost ached to have the blonde cuddled up into her like they had effortlessly been before the Christmas break.

 

It only seemed natural for the two of them to be close, the magnetism was undeniable and Lexa wondered whether Clarke had felt it too.

 

She could have had this all along if only she had been willing to accept the undeniable and just let Clarke in.

 

The brunette was trying though, she was trying to correct her mistakes and she just hoped that would be enough for the other girl.

 

Lexa sighed as she saw the blonde beside her relax further into the couch as her attention too turned to the TV.

 

“Do you mind if I stay and watch this for a little bit?” Clarke asked quietly “I want to see what the fuss is about”

 

“It’s fascinating, that’s the fuss” Lexa said obviously, shifting her body to face the TV but kept her arms around her legs and her knees close to her chest “Of course you can stay”

 

“I’m not a seasoned documentary watcher like you though” Clarke replied shuffling herself a little closer to Lexa so their shoulders were touching

 

Lexa smiled to herself once she felt Clarke resting her head on her shoulder, pulling the blanket tightly over herself.

 

The brunette didn’t move, she didn’t want to move just in case that caused Clarke to alter her position because she was perfectly happy next to her neighbour on the couch.

 

She had most certainly missed this.

 

It was a simply gesture but to Lexa; it meant a lot.

 

Having the woman she had never knew she always wanted next to her gave her some kind of proof that maybe good things did happen in the world.

 

It gave her proof that sometimes pain _was_ worth it. 

 

It also gave her some proof that maybe she wasn’t so stupid after all for letting the other girl get to her as much as she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> I will have an update by the end of the week.
> 
> I think you'll like the next chapter :P


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you are all brilliant! 
> 
> Let me know what you think and I will update soon :)

Lexa sat in the corner of her favourite coffee shop, her head buried in her text book and her earphones tucked tightly into her ears, deeply immersed in her own little world.

 

It had been a week since Clarke and Lexa had begun to smooth things over between them and Lexa had been in a good mood since.

 

They had hung out for the last few nights in a row, Lexa getting Clarke into a series of documentaries that were her absolute favourite and the other girl seemed to enjoy it no matter how much she denied.

 

It was a busy Saturday afternoon though, and being that she had the day off from work she just wanted to give her mind a bit of a break.

 

She had a lot of reading to do over the weekend and she felt as if she had been spending so much time in her apartment lately that she needed to give herself a change in her surroundings.

 

So there she was, sitting in that very same booth in the coffee shop that she had fallen asleep in what felt like a lifetime ago.

 

Lexa found herself growing very comfortable in that coffee shop because everyone just left her alone and to her own devices, which she appreciated to no end.

 

It didn’t hurt though of course that it was Clarke’s place of employment for the time being.

 

The blonde wasn’t working that afternoon, Lexa knew she was due for the evening shift in a few hours but Lexa thought she would be long gone by the time Clarke started.

 

Lexa was having dinner with Anya and her parents that night as a very belated Christmas celebration, which was mostly Anya’s idea due to the fact that Lexa had spent Christmas alone.

 

As the brunette turned the page in her text book, she saw a shadow cover the words she was reading and looked up to the figure that was standing right above her light.

 

“This is a new level of stalking” Clarke joked with a grin, her hands both gripping the shoulder strap of her laptop bag “I’m not even working yet”

 

“Hey” Lexa said with a furrowed brow, pulling an earphone from her ear “I thought you said you weren’t working until tonight”

 

“I’m not but they called me and said they needed me a bit earlier so I thought I would come in and do some of an assignment I need to finish before I start” Clarke shrugged “You’re have dinner with Anya tonight, right?”

 

“Yeah” Lexa nodded as she looked down to her book bag next to her in the booth “Do you want to sit?”

 

“I don’t want to disturb or distract you” Clarke shook her head as she looked around the café “There are plenty of free tables around”

 

“You’ll only distract me if you sit somewhere else” Lexa replied honestly with a quiet chuckle, shifting her bag to the floor and pushing herself against the wall of the booth comfortably “Plus there’s plenty of room because I’m cozy in my corner”

 

“Okay” Clarke smiled warmly as she set her bag down on the table, shuffling to sit down next to Lexa in the booth “Don’t fall asleep”

 

“That was once” Lexa rolled her eyes jokingly “Now stop disturbing and start working”

 

“Yeah okay” Clarke laughed with a shake of her head

 

Clarke set herself up next to Lexa, the brunette found herself watching Clarke work on her computer through the corner of her eye and smiling to herself at the look of pure concentration on the blonde’s face.

 

Lexa subtly took her earphone’s out incase Clarke said anything and relaxed further into the booth as she felt her eyes droop slowly.

 

“This booth is far too comfortable” Lexa complained lightly as she put her book down on the table, taking her glasses off and setting them down before rubbed her eyes aggressively “Every time I sit here, I get tired”

 

“Well you’ve probably been studying for a while, right?” Clarke questioned as she continued to work away on her computer

 

“A few hours” Lexa confirmed with a nod even though she knew Clarke wasn’t watching before she folded her arms neatly, curling up further “Staff here are surprisingly nice and letting me sit here for hours after I order coffee”

 

“Well they’re not just going to kick you out but they know you” Clarke replied, her head finally turning from the computer and a small smile on her lips

 

“Which I do appreciate” Lexa said with a smile of her own tugging at the corners of her mouth

 

“I was actually hoping to catch you today” Clarke began as she glanced around the coffee shop before her eyes refocused on a tired Lexa “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

 

“Well I’m working in the shop tomorrow but I don’t have much planned besides finishing my reading” Lexa replied quickly “Why do you ask?”

 

“Well it’s Raven’s birthday and we’re having dinner at Octavia and Lincoln’s place” Clarke began cautiously “And I wanted to see if you’d consider coming with me”

 

“Are you sure, Clarke?” Lexa cocked an eyebrow and frowned “I don’t think Raven is my biggest fan”

 

“Actually she probably likes you the most and it was her idea to invite you” Clarke responded as she gave the other girl a gentle nudge

 

“If you want me to go, I will go” Lexa said quietly, trying to push herself even further into the wall of the booth awkwardly

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes” Lexa answered simply as she swallowed thickly “I should try and get to know your friends so they don’t hate me”

 

“They don’t hate you” Clarke rolled her eyes “They just need to get to know you a bit more like I do”

 

“If you say so” Lexa nodded slowly before she sighed quietly “Do you want me to bring anything?”

 

“Nope, I’ll have it covered” Clarke responded happily and paused for a moment before she continued “Thank you, it means a lot”

 

“If I’m doing this for real then I guess I better get used to it” Lexa replied shakily

 

“I’ll make sure Bellamy is on his best behavior” Clarke joked lightly as she nudged Lexa once more

 

“Stop” Lexa groaned playfully “I’m not scared of Bellamy, I can use very big, sharp words and cut people down if I want but it’s probably not a great idea if I want your friends to like me”

 

“Possibly not but they know how much you are trying and I promise you that I’ll stay by your side”

 

“Remember how you said that last time?” Lexa raised her eyebrows, ducking her head as she looked to the other girl “I’ll be fine Clarke”

 

“Okay” Clarke grinned before turning back to her computer “Maybe you can wear your animal slippers to dinner, soften your image up a little”

 

“What time do you start work again? Is it soon?” Lexa asked sarcastically which earned laughter from the blonde as she began to type once more

 

“You’re disrupting my work” Clarke scolded with a fake sigh

 

Lexa looked at Clarke with a frown, picking up her highlighter from the table and throwing it the very short distance between them hitting the other girl who just laughed again.

 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the blonde, her smile was infectious and difficult to contain.

 

She would pay to see Clarke smile like that every day and just hoped she would be lucky enough to witness it as often as possible.

 

Things were starting to feel natural between them but then again, there was still that distance between them.

 

Lexa wasn’t going to be the one to bridge it; she was going to let Clarke make that decision.

 

She could keep her distance until Clarke made a move and until then, she would just continue what she had already been doing.

 

Lexa was willing to do whatever she needed to do in order to convince the other girl that she wasn’t going anywhere, her feet were firmly planted right next Clarke and it was going to stay like that.

 

No matter how terrified Lexa was internally.

 

\---

 

Lexa didn’t really want to leave the coffee shop for a few reasons late that afternoon.

 

She had begun her reading again after her short break, almost dozing off as Clarke worked next to her before she had to start her shift.

 

Her power nap looked to do the trick because her concentration and information retention seemed to be at an all-time high, attributing change of scenery and the company of her neighbour to her second study wind.

 

Reluctantly she packed up her things, signaling to Clarke that she was leaving while the other girl served a customer.

 

The weather took a turn for the worst just as she left the coffee shop, the cold wind picked up and light rain began to fall which caused her to practically jog all the way back to her apartment.

 

She had a hot shower to warm herself up and changed into something a little more suitable to face the weather outside before she took the short walk to Anya’s parent’s apartment.  

 

Dinner was nice and Lexa always loved spending time outside of work with Anya’s family because they were like the family she never had.

 

In saying that though, she was just as happy to be back in her apartment after she had helped with the cleanup and tucked into her warm bed as she read a book she had borrowed from her work.

 

The weather wasn’t pleasant outside, the wind had picked up a bit but the rain had died down to the point of the clouds breaking up and clearing up but a few were still hanging around to cause some havoc.

 

She hoped the rain would hold off for Clarke to finish her shift in an hour or so but she was pretty content to be in her warm apartment, enjoying a book on her Saturday night.

 

Lexa’s eyes began to feel heavy as they usually did when she read at night, it made her feel like a bit of an old lady but she couldn’t really help it as the tiredness returned to her body.

 

She let her eyes close for a moment before she jumped at the vibration on her phone that was sitting on her stomach, realizing she had dozed off with the book covering her face.

 

Lexa felt for her phone, pushing the book from her face as she saw Clarke’s name flashing as it continued to buzz.

 

“Clarke” Lexa answered huskily, rubbing her eyes gently

 

“Hey” Clarke said quietly “Did I wake you?”

 

“I just closed my eyes” Lexa shook her head “Shouldn’t you be working?”

 

“I finished my shift, it’s 11” Clarke replied simply

 

“Is it?!” Lexa asked with a furrowed brow, pulling her phone away from her ear quickly to notice that the time was indeed past 11 and what she thought was a moment resting her eyes was actually an hour “Wow”

 

“So you were asleep?” Clarke asked as Lexa put her phone back to her ear

 

“I guess so” Lexa said clearing her throat “Everything okay?”

 

“I kind of just wanted to be on the phone as I close up and walk out, there’s been a bit of a weird guy hanging around all night and I saw him outside before” Clarke admitted as Lexa could hear Clarke flicking light switches off

 

“He’s still around?” Lexa paused as she sat up in her bed

 

“Yeah, he is hanging around” Clarke replied “Normally I wouldn’t really care but I’m the only one closing tonight and he’s been staring at us all night. I just wanted to be on the phone to someone as I walked home and I can’t get onto any of my friends because they’re out tonight”

 

“You haven’t left, have you?” Lexa asked as she threw the covers from her body, shuffling quickly to stand up by the side of her bed

 

“No, I’m just about to lock up now”

 

“Stay inside, I’ll come and meet you and we can walk home together” Lexa replied as she reached for her jeans that she had neatly folded and placed on top of her drawers after she had changed into her pajama’s

 

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked skeptically “You were just asleep”

 

“And I’m probably still half asleep but give me 10 minutes and I’ll be out the front” Lexa replied as she began to change while she held her phone to her ear with her shoulder

 

“Thank you” Clarke responded and Lexa could practically hear the relief in her voice “I’ll see you soon”

 

“Sit tight” Lexa replied before she hung up her phone so she could change quickly

 

Clarke was a tough girl; she could handle almost any situation on her own so she knew that she wouldn’t have called Lexa if she wasn’t feeling really uneasy, which was more than reason enough for her to go out and meet Clarke.

 

Lexa knew that Clarke could handle her own but something about this guy in question was rubbing the blonde the wrong way and Lexa just wanted the other girl home safely.

 

She changed into a warm coat and jeans, tugging her beanie on before making her way out into the cold once more.

 

The brunette would have much preferred to be still tucked in her bed reading but Clarke needed her so that’s where she was going.

 

Lexa rushed through the quiet streets, not ducking her head like she usually would be but keeping her chin up and watching cautiously around her.

 

It was cold, damp, late and although the streets were reasonably populated, she knew she had to be a little watchful of what was going on around her.

 

She made the usually 14-15 minute walk in 10, just like she had promised and spotted the guy in question as he stood leaning against a light post against the street.

 

He looked like a bit of a questionable character and it wasn’t really a normal thing to be just hanging out in the streets at that time of night in that weather if you had somewhere else you could go but Lexa’s assessment was that he looked harmless.

 

Lexa’s eyes narrowed for a moment as she caught his who paused as he noticed that she was watching him intently.

 

Her jaw clenched as she stared a deep hole in the man who quickly pushed off the pole and took a few steps backwards away from the edge of the street.

 

Her thoughts turned why she was actually there; meeting up with Clarke so they could get home and out of the cold so she turned away from the man, walking to the door of the coffee shop.

 

She stopped momentarily as she saw Clarke at the back of the shop, sitting in the corner booth with her phone in her hand as she slumped tiredly against the wall of the booth.

 

Lexa knocked gently on the door which caused Clarke to jump, her eyes were wide as she looked outside but her expression relaxed as soon as she spotted the brunette who gave her a wave accompanied by an awkward smile.

 

Clarke immediately stood from the booth, pulling her bag over her shoulder before making her way to the door and opening it.

 

“Hey” Lexa greeted with a nod as she bounced quickly on her legs to try and dispel some cold from her joints

 

“Hey yourself” Clarke replied with a small smile, her eyes darting across the street noticing that the guy who had been standing outside was now gone “I think I made you walk out here for nothing”

 

“He was out here a second ago” Lexa said looking down the street, pointing out the guy who had been standing outside the coffee shop as he walked unevenly in the opposite direction very quickly “I just think he might have taken a bad batch of something”

 

“He’s been around all night” Clarke shuddered from a mixture of the cold and creepiness while she turned her back to Lexa to lock the door from the outside

 

“How was your shift besides that?” Lexa asked quietly

 

“It was pretty boring” Clarke shrugged turning back to the other girl “Let’s go home”

 

“Sounds great to me” Lexa chuckled and nodded frantically through the cold

 

“I’m sorry I woke you and dragged you out here for nothing” Clarke apologized sincerely as they began walking back towards the apartment “I would have been okay with just talking on the phone until I got back”

 

“I know but I wouldn’t have been” Lexa replied, tucking her hands deep into her pockets and only now ducking her chin into her coat to try and escape the cold air pushing against them “It’s no problem anyway, it’s 11pm and I’m 24 so really I should be awake for another few hours”

 

“Yeah but you’re an old lady at heart” Clarke joked quietly as she bumped her hip into Lexa’s gently “How else can you explain your love for sea life documentaries?”

 

“They’re fascinating and you’ve started to like them” Lexa responded instantly, a chuckle threatening to break her even tone

 

“Hey how was your dinner?”

 

“It was great, thank you” Lexa answered politely “Anya’s mom always cooks way too much food so I always get containers full of leftovers to take home with me”

 

“So dinner at your apartment then?” Clarke joked while she brushed a loose thread of hair from her eyes

 

“Speaking of dinner, are you sure you want me to go tomorrow night?” Lexa asked awkwardly

 

“Do you not want to go?” Clarke questioned carefully

 

Lexa’s eyes were focused on the sidewalk in front of her, feeling Clarke’s gaze on the side of her face as the two girls walked closely together.

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to go” Lexa spoke slowly and deliberately “And it’s not that I don’t want to develop a relationship with your friends either because I realize that I need to sooner or later”

 

“So what is it?”

 

“What if I can’t get along with them?” Lexa asked in a small voice after a moment’s pause “It’s hard for me to get along with people sometimes and I know how much they mean to you”

 

“You’ve got to stop worrying so much” Clarke smiled endearingly as she reached out to hold onto Lexa’s arm just above the elbow gently while they walked “You’ll be fine and once they get to know you they will see how great you are. You just have to let them see it, which is probably the hardest thing about tomorrow night. The issue won’t be whether they like you or not, it will be whether you let them like you”

 

“Stop” Lexa said with a shake of her head, taking a step away from Clarke’s grip but smiling as she glanced to the blonde “The way you just psychoanalyzed me then was creepy”

 

“I know you don’t like it but I’m just trying to help” Clarke defended with her arms up in front of her

 

“I _don’t_ like it but that’s not it” Lexa laughed to herself “You’re completely correct in what you just said”

 

“I told you, I can see right through you” Clarke shrugged with a proud tone in her voice

 

“Maybe you should be studying psychology instead” Lexa joked with wide eyes “Because believe me, I have spent years shielding myself from people and you just seem to move right through that”

 

Clarke smiled to herself as her eyes fell to her feet in contemplation and that was where they stayed for the rest of the walk home.

 

Lexa held the door open for the blonde and a warm blast of air hit Lexa’s face, making her eyes water and her cheeks flush but she preferred that to the cold she was leaving behind.

 

She pulled off her beanie immediately as they reached the elevators, Lexa pressing the ‘up’ arrow before the waited for the slow elevator to make its way down.

 

Lexa looked around and noticed the stillness of the lobby area; it was a pretty big building so it was rare that there was no one else around.

 

Though it was past 11pm on a Saturday night and with the weather conditions outside Lexa figured people were either out being social or tucked up warmly inside their apartments.

 

She felt a tiredness sweep over her once again as the warmth settled into her body and the thought of being tucked into her bed once more entered her mind.

 

But that’s when she glanced at the girl beside her who was absentmindedly and silently looking through her phone with an even expression, her eyebrows creasing in concentration.

 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the girl next to her; she certainly was an extraordinary human being and she had a fire inside of her that the brunette had never witnessed.

 

Lexa had pushed and she had wrongly tried to push as hard as she could against the other girl but all Clarke did was push her back like no one had before.

 

And she did that because she had cared like no one else before, something that Lexa was still trying to get her head around.

 

They entered the elevator silently, Clarke pressing the button to the 18th floor before she leaned herself up against the corner as it began to slowly ascend.

 

It groaned and grinded its way up towards the 18th floor; making no more sound than it usually did though.

 

Lexa flinched as it screeched to a halt and the bell chimed as the door opened on their floor.

 

Lexa waited for Clarke to leave first before stepping out herself and walking to their respective doors.

 

“Thank you again for walking with me” Clarke replied as she leaned her shoulder against her door, pulling at the laptop bag on her shoulder “I kind of feel like a bit of an idiot because I could have just walked home myself, he wasn’t going to do anything”

 

“You don’t know that though” Lexa shrugged “I’m glad you called me”

 

“Even if I woke you?”

 

“Well if I was having a great dream then it could have been a different story” Lexa joked as she mirrored Clarke’s position on her own door

 

“You know sometimes you are so different that I almost forget about how guarded you are and you can be” Clarke said quietly

 

“I know but I’m trying to not be so guarded” Lexa offered as she looked down to her hands that were clasped together in front of her “And I am _really_ trying”

 

“I know that” Clarke said reluctantly “I just kind of feel like I’m going to struggle to get past how you pulled away like you did if we get too close”

 

“I’m not going anywhere” Lexa replied earnestly

 

“And I know it’s probably not fair for me to just hang onto that but I have a hard time getting past stuff sometimes” Clarke said, her voice lined with honesty as well as a hint of regret “I just kind of wish that I could forget or we could start again because you know how I feel about you. I’m just a little scared that you’re going to pull away like you did last time”

 

“First of all, I’m not going to pull away like last time” Lexa said with a deep sigh, taking a step forward “And I’m sorry for making you feel like that. You also have every right to think that but I really regret what I did before Christmas and I think you know that”

 

“I do” Clarke responded quickly “I know you do, it’s just going to be difficult to be together with that hanging over our heads”

 

Lexa exhaled as she felt her chest tighten a little looking at the vulnerable girl in front of her, this was always going to happen after how Lexa just pulled away so sharply last time.

 

Clarke wanted to trust Lexa, the brunette could see that.

 

In fact she could see a lot of similarities going on within Clarke’s mind to what had been going on in her own mind previously.

 

Clarke was completely correct; it was going to be difficult to be together with that memory hanging over their heads.

 

Their relationship wasn’t going to be perfect, there was going to be conflict probably more often than not with their strong personalities.

 

Lexa’s doubts and insecurities were probably going to rear their ugly heads but the brunette just had to make sure she didn’t let them take over her like she had done in the past.

 

She was trying though, for Clarke Griffin she would never stop trying.

 

Lexa knew that it wasn’t as simple as starting over between the two of them; of course it wasn’t possible but there was symbolism within that statement, a chance for a fresh start for the both of them.

 

Maybe that’s what they needed.

 

“Do me a favour please and go inside your apartment” Lexa said suddenly as she had a ‘light bulb’ moment

 

“What?” Clarke knitting her eyebrows together in confusion

 

“Please?” Lexa asked

 

“Go inside my apartment?” Clarke repeated unsurely

 

“Yes please” Lexa nodded as she swallowed thickly

 

“Okay then?” Clarke muttered in confusion, pulling out her key from her bag to unlock her door

 

The door unlocked with a click and Clarke turned the door handle, pushing it open with ease.

 

She paused to look at Lexa once again who was silently urging Clarke to go inside.

 

Clarke shook her head to herself, confusion still filling her expression as she stepped inside her apartment before she turned around to face Lexa from inside her apartment.

 

“Now what?”

 

“Close the door” Lexa said as she stayed standing in the short distance between their two respective doors

 

“I thought you were confusing before” Clarke said bewilderedly before she sighed “Okay, well this has been the weirdest goodnight ever and I’ll see you tomorrow”

 

Lexa nodded as Clarke pulled the door closed, hearing her mutter something immediately as it closed before hearing her setting down her bag on the floor.

 

Lexa took a step forward to be standing in front of apartment 1812, raising her hand to knock on the door quickly.

 

Clarke opened the door almost instantly, her confused expression still playing heavily on her face as she shook her head.

 

“What are you doing?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows

 

“Hello, I’m Lexa. I live next door in 1811, I’m 24 and I’m in my last year of study at NYU Law School specializing in family law. I work in a book store at the moment for a friend’s family; I have no family of my own.  I’m stubborn, I can be closed off at times, a definite pain in the ass, protective, hardworking, quiet but I would like to get to know you and I hope you would like to get to know me too” Lexa said with her chin high and her hands clasped together in front of her, clutching at her beanie “An interesting fact about me is I’ve most recently learnt that you can’t hide from your feelings and that some people are more than worth the risk of being hurt over”

 

“Lexa, what?” Clarke asked quietly, shaking her head because she didn’t completely understand what was going on

 

“You said you wanted to start again, so I’m trying to start again” Lexa replied simply as her eyes focused on Clarke’s “Clean slate”

 

Clarke didn’t respond, she blinked a few times as she watched the brunette but she didn’t move to open her mouth or say a word.

 

Lexa stood nervously in front of her neighbour, wondering whether she had made a complete fool out of herself and whether she was going to be replaying that embarrassing moment all night to herself as she lay in bed.

 

She could see Clarke’s mind running very quickly as her eyes darted between her own, the back and forth motion of the blonde’s blue orbs was almost hypnotizing.

 

But there she stood still, in front of Lexa not moving or speaking and only blinking.

 

Lexa didn’t waver though, her feet stayed firmly in place as her head tilted slightly watching the other girl though her nerves were at an all-time high inside of her.

 

It was only moments after she had finished speaking but she felt as if she had been standing in front of Clarke for hours.

 

She felt as if she had been standing there wondering what Clarke was thinking for the longest time.

 

Clarke made a very sudden movement towards Lexa, making her tense up but she immediately relaxed as she felt the blonde’s body flush against her own and her lips captured in a searing kiss.   

 

Lexa was completely surprised by the movement for a moment but she quickly shifted to grip Clarke’s waist tightly with her hands, dropping her beanie on the ground while her heart leapt into her throat as she realized what was happening.

 

Clarke sighed deeply into the kiss as she brought one of her hands up to tangle in Lexa’s loose hair, her nails scraping lightly against the brunette’s scalp as she tugged gently at the hair on the back of her head.

 

Her other hand went to the collar of Lexa’s coat, pulling the girl as close against her as she could possibly manage.

 

She felt Clarke take a step backwards into her apartment but she didn’t relinquish her hold, nor did she break her lips from her neighbour so Lexa had to take a step inside the apartment with the other girl in order to stay with her.

 

This kiss wasn’t slow nor was it timid like the other ones had been; this kiss was full of fire but it was also full of a lot of different emotions that had been pent up between them for a little while.

 

Lexa felt that electricity flowing through her nerve ends once more as her fingers felt as if they could produce lightning bolts at any given moment.

 

At that time she didn’t feel like she had blood flowing through her veins, it felt more like fire as that warmth Clarke made her feel spread through her body; that warmth that Lexa knew she would grow to completely ache for when it wasn’t there.

 

Lexa’s collar was released momentarily but the kiss was still unbroken as she heard the door close behind her before she felt her back being pressed against it with a quiet thud.

 

Lexa’s hand moved quickly to Clarke’s cheek, cupping it gently and tilting her head up slightly to gain better access to her lips, deepening the kiss if that was at all possible.

 

She felt Clarke playfully but gently bite down on her lower lip as goosebumps tore mercilessly through her body and a subtle shudder quickly followed.

 

The brunette’s knees locked firmly knowing she wasn’t going to be able to stop them from shaking as her grip on Clarke’s waist tightened for her own balance.

 

She felt Clarke smile into the kiss before being pulled away from the door as their lips continued to move as one feverishly.

 

They stumbled and shuffled quickly and clumsily through Clarke’s apartment by pure luck because they both we just unwilling to do something so simple and part from one another.

 

Lexa realized that she could have been injured and she cursed herself internally when she kicked her shin on a piece of furniture but she didn’t really feel it for long because her senses were all tied up in Clarke.

 

Lexa’s hands fumbled as they found the new task of undoing the large buttons on Clarke’s heavy coat, needing to have more contact with blonde than the thick material was allowing.

 

The brunette started slowly, giving Clarke every opportunity to stop her if she wanted to but she didn’t; not only did she do nothing to stop Lexa, she shrugged her coat from her shoulders once the buttons were all undone to assist her.

 

Lexa’s hands found warmth in the material of Clarke’s work shirt, her fingers gripping tightly once again at her waist and her thumbs feeling her skin as she pushed her shirt up ever so slightly on her sides.

 

Before Lexa knew it, her coat was on the floor next to her.

 

The back of her legs hit the edge on Clarke’s bed which caused her knees to buckle, forcing her to sit on top of Clarke’s covers.

 

Clarke immediately followed though, as if it were impossible for the two girls to separate at that moment in time; they clung together as if it was vital for survival and in that moment, it felt like it _was_.

 

Clarke straddled Lexa’s lap, her knees either side of Lexa’s waist while her hands tugged at the collar of Lexa’s long sleeved shirt with her hands balling up the material around her neck.

 

The kisses had transitioned from a frantic pace to a little slower, Lexa taking her time with the girl who was pressed up against her as she sat on Clarke’s bed.

 

She cupped Clarke’s cheek gently once more as she exhaled into the blonde’s lips, feeling the tugging on her shirt continue.

 

They broke the kiss for the first time since they had begun but it was only for Lexa to raise her arms and have Clarke pull her shirt over her head and discard it next to the bed.

 

Clarke’s warm hands rested on Lexa’s shoulders as their lips crashed together once more and Lexa exhaled shakily upon feeling Clarke’s scratch the skin of her shoulders almost painfully.

 

Her skin was on fire under Clarke’s touch and she wondered whether the other girl could feel the heat resonating from her body as the almost bare top half of her body pressed into the blonde.

 

Lexa reluctantly and slowly pulled away from the kiss, feeling and hearing her heart race faster than it ever had before, not knowing whether she would be able to calm herself down from there.

 

As she pulled away Clarke opened her eyes, the fire burning inside her was still present but Lexa could see the vulnerability in her eyes while she silently questioned why the brunette had stopped.

 

“Are you sure?” Lexa whispered quickly as she tried to put Clarke’s mind at ease, her voice scratching against her throat

 

“I don’t really think you need to ask” Clarke replied huskily as she leaned her forehead against Lexa’s “But yes”

 

Clarke ghosted her lips over Lexa’s which caused her to swallow thickly, a small smile appearing on Clarke’s face as she kept her eyes open and on the brunette.

 

“I’m yours Clarke, completely and utterly yours” Lexa admitted with her voice just above a whisper

 

“I know” Clarke replied comfortingly as the soft smile on her face grew to reach her blue eyes

 

The brunette shuddered under the intimacy of the moment but unlike last time, she wasn’t afraid.

 

She only felt reassured.

 

It was her this time to capture Clarke’s lips fervently, taking Clarke’s lower lip between her own playfully and gently.

 

Quickly moving their bodies to lay Clarke down gently, pinning the other girl between the bed and her own hips; she held herself up with her hands positioned either side of Clarke, moving away from her lips to kiss the soft skin of the blonde’s neck firmly.

 

Her teeth scraped gently against her jawline before recapturing Clarke’s lips after missing them almost instantly.

 

Lexa never wanted to leave that room; she would have been satisfied with being stuck in that moment forever.

 

That was the moment that everything changed for Lexa.

 

That was the very moment that she decided to put Clarke at the very top of her list of priorities, even over herself.

 

She was giving in and she was all too happy to do so for the girl underneath her.

 

Lexa was falling for Clarke Griffin and she was falling hard but instead of running or recoiling, she only wanted to let herself fall.

 

Whether that was stupid or smart, Lexa would have to decipher later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> I will have an update for you before the end of the weekend :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well you guys are brilliant and hysterical all at the same time, I loved all of the concern for Lexa's beanie! :P Don't worry though because I haven't forgotten about it in this chapter :P 
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love from the last chapter, I'm glad you liked it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this one!

Lexa opened her weighted eyelids slowly, sighing heavily as she lifted her head from her pillow.

 

She recognized the setting but knew it wasn’t her apartment and paused for a moment, until she saw the still sleeping blonde next to her in bed.

 

She slept soundlessly on her stomach; her bare back was exposed to the sunlight creeping through the window as the white sheet was pushed down to just above her hips.

 

Her head facing in the opposite direction to Lexa and her blonde hair splayed over her own pillow, spilling over to the pillow the brunette was using.

 

Lexa smiled lazily to herself with a sigh, dropping her head back to the pillow as multiple images from last night flashed through her mind.

 

Lexa wasn’t too sure how to describe how she felt at that moment, she almost felt overwhelmed as she watched Clarke’s body move slightly while she breathed, knowing how much the blonde was beginning to mean to her.

 

Last night had been different to anything she had ever experienced before because last night was the first time she had ever been intimate with someone she genuinely had feelings for.

 

Anything with any of the few other girls she had been with was purely physical and she felt nothing like she at that moment the morning after when she woke up next to them.

 

That was even if she stuck around to be there the morning after.

 

Lexa wanted to be nowhere else but next to the blonde, it almost made her never want to sleep alone again when she could be with Clarke in either of their beds.

 

She rolled to her side, facing the other girl and smiled once more as her eyes traced Clarke’s naked back, noticing a few freckles against her perfect skin she never knew the girl had.

 

The brunette raised her hand to gently ghost over the smooth skin of Clarke’s back, joining the small freckles as dot to dots with her fingertips lightly.

 

“That tickles” She heard Clarke mumble sleepily but the tone gave away the smile that was evident on her face

 

“Sorry” Lexa rasped quietly as she withdrew her hand from Clarke’s back to try and let the other girl sleep but it only caused her to stir further

 

Clarke pulled the white sheet up to cover her body once more, holding it to her chest as she rolled to her side so she could face Lexa.

 

Her hair was surprisingly tidy and smooth considering and her sleepy face perfect, leaving Lexa to wonder how someone could wake up looking like Clarke did.

 

She smiled sleepily at Lexa while her arm draped lethargically over the brunette’s waist, her eyes closing once more when she decided she was happy with her position curled up in front of her neighbour.

 

“You know I kind of wondered whether you would be here when I woke up” Clarke admitted huskily

 

“Maybe I wouldn’t have been a few weeks ago but I wasn’t going anywhere this morning, I’m not” Lexa said firmly as she pushed through the dryness of her throat

 

“Except for work, you have to go to work” Clarke’s sleepy smile turned to a wide grin but her eyes stayed closed

 

“Oh yeah” Lexa groaned “I forgot about that and talked myself into trying to get you to stay in bed all day”

 

“That probably wouldn’t take much convincing” Clarke chuckled quietly

 

Lexa sighed contently, reaching her hand out to delicately tuck a few locks of blonde hair that had fallen over Clarke’s face after she had moved.

 

“I think I might need to help you clean up your lounge room though because I’m pretty sure I kicked a few things over last night” Lexa laughed “I’m not sure how we made it back in here”

 

“Either do I” Clarke responded with an amused voice, sighed at the end of her sentence “I just didn’t want to let you go”

 

“Last night was definitely better than I thought it would be” Lexa admitted while running her fingers down Clarke’s arm slowly, watching them trace absent patters against the skin

 

“I just saw how much you were trying to fix your mistakes and how much you have actually adjusted yourself to be open towards me” Clarke opened her eyes slowly to lock onto Lexa’s “I mean you got out of bed to walk me home in the freezing cold and though you did it weirdly, you tried to give us a clean slate”

 

“I actually thought it was pretty genius” Lexa defended as her eyes met Clarke’s stare

 

“It was pretty cute” Clarke laughed

 

“It wasn’t _cute_ , it was creative” Lexa denied as she pulled a face of disapproval

 

“Well considering we only reintroduced ourselves last night we probably moved pretty quickly” Clarke joked and Lexa felt the blonde gripping the sheet over her own body tightly “So let’s just say you owe me dinner”

 

“I’m going to dinner with you tonight” Lexa shrugged as she felt nervousness and unease burst her carefree bubble “Are you sure you want me there?”

 

“Stop, you’ll be fine” Clarke scolded harmlessly “I promise you that you’ll be fine”

 

Lexa nodded silently, her eyes dropping to her fingers that were still gliding gently up and down Clarke’s arm.

 

“What time do you start work anyway?” Clarke mumbled quietly

 

“10” Lexa answered simply as she looked around the room, appreciating the fact that Clarke had a clock sitting next to her bedside table but not appreciating the fact that it was already 9:15am “Which means I need to go soon”

 

“Yeah because you have such a long way to go home” Clarke joked

 

“I’m hoping I’ll recover my beanie from outside your apartment on my journey home” Lexa glanced back to look at Clarke “Because someone made me just drop it in the hallway”

 

“For good reason though” Clarke grinned as she moved herself a little closer so she could lay her head on Lexa’s pillow directly in front of her “I think it will forgive me”  

 

Lexa paused as she felt a tugging in her chest while she watched the blonde stare innocently at her, the blue of her eyes shone even brighter from up close.

 

Her eyes moved in a triangular motion; looking at one eye to Lexa’s mouth and then up to her other eye as her expression softened.

 

“You know how you said you were mine last night?” Clarke spoke just above a whisper

 

“Yeah” Lexa croaked at the vulnerability of the situation, knowing that this closeness and rawness would have made her panic previously.

 

While she still felt scared she also felt a new found confidence not within herself but within the girl who was next to her, knowing that Clarke only had the best intentions in mind when it came to Lexa.

 

“You meant that, right?” Clarke questioned, reaching her hand out to rest her hand gently on Lexa’s cheek “That you’re ready to _be_ mine?”

 

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it” Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed momentarily at Clarke’s warm touch, leaning into her palm ever so slightly as her eyes opened once more “I couldn’t have been more honest if I tried”

 

“I think last night was pretty evident but I think we’re both ready now” Clarke spoke with a hushed yet confident voice

 

“I’m ready” Lexa repeated quickly as she exhaled sharply “And I don’t make the same mistake twice. I can’t say I’m going to be perfect but I’m not going to go anywhere and I’m not going to push you away like I did last time”

 

“I just need you to talk to me, okay?” Clarke asked “If you feel like you need space or we’re moving too quickly then you need to talk to me”

 

“I know” Lexa answered quietly as if she were young child who had just been reprimanded, almost embarrassed by her previous actions

 

Lexa heard a small sigh leave Clarke’s mouth before the blonde placed a chaste but meaningful kiss on her lips.

 

“You should probably get ready for work” Clarke noted quietly after she pulled away from the kiss but left her forehead resting against Lexa’s

 

“My plan to stay in bed was _so_ much better” Lexa replied dragging the word ‘so’ to demonstrate her frustration

 

“I would have liked that too”

 

With one more peck on the lips Clarke’s hand left Lexa’s cheek and she shuffled back to her side of the bed but kept her eyes firmly fixed on the brunette.

 

Lexa felt that coolness take hold of her again like she knew she would, that ache she desired to feel because it had meant that Clarke had been close.

 

It was just much better when Clarke was close to her, it was something she was looking forward to getting used to on an even greater level.

 

“Well I need you to help me find my clothes because I don’t know what you did with them” Lexa sat up lazily after she rolled onto her back, letting the sheet fall from her body as she faced away from the other girl

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that” Clarke chuckled with a grin as she herself rolled onto her back to look at the ceiling

 

“No you’re not” Lexa laughed as she glanced behind her shoulder at the blonde “What time do you need me tonight?”

 

“Well what time do you finish work?” Clarke asked

 

“I finish at 5 today but I might be there a little longer” Lexa answered, swinging her legs over the bed to tiredly look at the floor around Clarke’s bed so she could locate her different articles of missing clothing

 

“Here” Clarke spoke as she felt a soft material hit her back “Just wear that to take the 3 steps you need to get to your apartment in the hall and I’ll find your clothes for you when you leave”

 

“I think you were just trying to throw them in the most creative places because I can’t find anything besides my socks” Lexa noted in disbelief as her neck swiveled so she could look to Clarke who was still grinning before taking the shirt the blonde had thrown at her back “Thank you”

 

Lexa found a few reasons to procrastinate leaving Clarke’s apartment finding it surprisingly difficult to leave the other girl in bed like that.

 

Grabbing her coat by the edge of the bed she turned to give Clarke a wide grin, her eyes falling shyly to her feet as she backed her way out of her bedroom.

 

“So I’ll see you after I finish work?” Lexa asked, her feet getting caught on an item of Clarke’s clothing on the floor

 

“Yeah dinner isn’t until 7 so if you just get ready and come over here we can go whenever you are done” Clarke nodded

 

“Okay” Lexa said sheepishly “Well…have a good day”

 

“You too” The brunette heard Clarke reply in an amused tone as she turned on her heel and walked out of the bedroom completely to leave the apartment.

 

She opened and closed the apartment door quickly, grinning as she found her beanie still on the floor and picking it up before she pulled her keys from her coat pockets so she could unlock her own door.

 

It was going to be a good day.

 

\---

 

Lexa felt strange as she walked through the streets towards her work, she felt different for some reason.

 

As cliché as she felt thinking it; she felt the weight on her shoulders was a little lighter and everything around her seemed that little bit brighter.

 

She knew that wasn’t exactly possible but for the first time in a long time she felt completely happy and content, she felt as if things were going to work out okay for her.

 

Lexa felt as if maybe karma was paying her back for the rough start to life she had, maybe she had to go through what she did in order to be gain what she had now.

 

She also knew that happiness was based heavily on Clarke and it was dangerous for her to do that because that could be taken away at any point but she trying her hardest not to think like that any longer.

 

She shook the thought from her head but kept the small smile on her lips that had been lingering on her face since she woke up that morning as she pushed through the door of Grounders Book Store where she found Anya and surprisingly Costia talking closely by the back room in hushed tones.   

 

The bell chimed and they both looked away from each other to see Lexa approach them slowly, taking cautious steps towards the pair.

 

“Secret meeting?” Lexa joked awkwardly

 

“You’re late” Anya noted lightly as she pointed to her bare wrist “And if I was wearing a watch, it would reflect that”

 

“It’s 9:59” Lexa said pulling her phone from her pocket that she had thankfully left in her coat along with her keys “I’m on time”

 

“Which is late for you” Anya said skeptically with a furrowed brow

 

“That’s true” Costia nodded as she leaned her shoulder against the back wall of the shop, a smirk on her lips

 

“Don’t encourage her” Lexa warned lightly before repeating “I’m on time”

 

“Are you two both working all day?” Costia asked curiously as Lexa moved past her two friends, receiving a playful yet soft punch on the arm from Costia

 

“I’m only here for a few more hours but Lexa here is working until close” Anya noted as Lexa dropped her bag in the back room, taking her coat off quickly and hanging it up so she could return to her friends “So I hope you brought something to do because it’s really quiet”

 

“Well this is a bookstore, I’m sure I will find something to keep me entertained” Lexa joked taking her place next to Anya

 

“Well what are you doing tonight?” Costia asked turning to the law student “I thought that we could go and get some dinner or something. You know, family time”

 

“Actually I’m going to dinner with Clarke and her friends at one of their apartments” Lexa said as she scratched the side of her neck awkwardly “And I have no idea what to expect when I go there”

 

“You’re going to dinner with them?” Anya raised her eyebrows before she glanced to Costia who just shrugged

 

“I have to try to get to know them” Lexa replied shaking her head “And now is the time to start”

 

“And you’re sure you can do that?” Costia questioned unsurely

 

“I sure hope so” Lexa chuckled sarcastically “Because it’s a bit late for it not to work out now”

 

“Why do you say that?” Anya asked very quickly, not missing a beat in the conversation

 

“Something happened last night” Lexa admitted and she had been trying her hardest to keep her face even but she couldn’t help that same smile that snuck back onto her lips without her permission

 

“Something happened between you and Clarke” Costia said with wide eyes and a smile “Look at you; you’re like a little puppy or something”

 

“See, I told you that you looked at her like a puppy” Anya chimed in with a satisfied smile on her face before she nudged the other girl “So?”

 

“Well you know how I have been trying to prove to Clarke that I’m ready to be with her and that I’m not going to just push her away?” Lexa asked, seeing her friends nod along anyway “Well I got a call late last night from Clarke while I was asleep”

 

“Late night booty call?” Costia asked raising an eyebrow “Really? I mean she could have just knocked on your wall”

 

“No, it was nothing like that” Lexa said with wide eyes “She just wanted to talk to someone when she walked home from work because she felt unsafe so I just went and met her at the coffee shop so I could walk her home”

 

“That’s pretty sweet of you” Costia replied reaching her arm out to push Lexa’s shoulder playfully “Look at you being all chivalrous”

 

“Okay she is not going to finish this story anytime soon if you don’t stop interrupting” Anya replied looking to her friends with a frown, causing Costia to hold up her hands defensively

 

“ _Anyway_ ” Lexa said looking between her two friends suspiciously “I walked her back home and we just talked for a while on the way home. Things just kind of happened from there I guess and I told her that I was hers”

 

“Things kind of happened; you mean you had sex with Clarke, right?” Anya smirked

 

“Yes” Lexa nodded as she swallowed thickly, not at her friends reactions as she made the admission but at the feeling of her chest tightening and those butterflies in her stomach that she thought she banished, move again “But it wasn’t just sex, it was…different. It’s terrifying how much I feel for her, even more so now”

 

“I swear to god, Lexa” Costia began “If you decide that it’s too much for you now I will murder you myself”

 

“No, that’s not what I am thinking at all. I don’t want to create and distance between Clarke and I” Lexa explained quickly with a frantic shake of her head “I want to be as close to her as possible but I just have to get used to that”

 

“You also need to get used to the fact that by the sounds of it, you’re in a relationship now and that means you have to let her know what is going on in your head” Anya cautioned with a sigh “You had feelings invested in this before but now you’re both in this together so you can’t be selfish”

 

“I know” Lexa conceded “And I’m not sure how to do that yet but I’m hoping I will figure it out on the way”

 

“Just be careful, okay?” Costia asked “Not just for your sake but mostly for hers. She seems like a really great girl and she has to have the patience of a saint to be dealing with you”

 

“Thanks” Lexa’s tone oozed with sarcasm “But you’re right and I’m going to keep trying because that’s what she deserves”

 

“This might be good timing” Anya said in a quiet voice, more to herself than anything

 

“Really?” Costia asked raising her eyebrows “Now?”

 

“Well now is as good of a time as any” Anya offered

 

“You guys know I’m still here, right?” Lexa asked looking between the pair once more “You guys are really weird today”

 

“I applied for an 8 month internship based in London that I didn’t even think I’d even be shortlisted for but last week I got a call to ask if I wanted to interview for it so I did” Anya began slowly “And they called me this morning and told me I got it”

 

Lexa opened her mouth to say something but she couldn’t even manage to move her jaw, her heart pounded as she swallowed the fast forming lump in the back of her throat.

 

“You look like you’re about to pass out” She heard Costia say but she didn’t dare move her eyes from Anya, as if she would disappear should she look away

 

“Are you taking it?” Lexa managed to croak, her voice hardly hearable

 

“Of course I’m taking it” Anya replied slowly “This is a really huge opportunity for me and it’s going to give me the opportunity to travel to places I wouldn’t be able to otherwise. Plus I’m not getting enough steady writing work here so I might as well go and see if I can find something somewhere else”

 

“I see” Lexa replied as those butterflies in her stomach quickly exploded and turned into a stomach churning sickness “When are you leaving?”

 

“2 weeks” Anya said glancing to Costia before looking back to her younger friend “It’s pretty soon and I have to rush to get everything sorted but it’s worth it”

 

“Well it’s an internship, are you even getting money for it?” Lexa asked as she felt her head clear some of the fog that was clouding it after Anya’s sudden announcement “Are you going to be able to live somewhere decent? Will you have money to live if you aren’t getting paid?”

 

“I’m getting paid next to nothing but the experience I’m getting is practically priceless. Plus they are paying for my accommodation while I first get set up and helping me with my visa” Anya answered “They’re actually being very generous and I get to see another part of the world. They can’t make any promises but depending on how it all works out, I might even get a job there permanently”

 

“You’re going to permanently move to London?”

 

“Okay let’s not kill the poor girl” Costia said as she took a quick step towards Lexa so she could stand on the other side of her, wrapping her arm around the brunette’s waist “You probably didn’t need to drop that bomb on her right now”

 

“When did you find out?” Lexa asked, finally ripping her eyes from Anya to look at her other friend who was now beside her

 

“Maybe a half an hour before you walked in” Costia explained quietly “Anya just wanted some help breaking that one to you because we didn’t know whether you would turn to violence or tears and I’ve never seen you cry so my guess was violence”

 

“Or possibly worse; go back to shutting everyone out again” Anya confessed

 

“You’ve made a lot of progress coming into the land of the living and Anya doesn’t want to push you back into where you were before” Costia added softly as she leaned her head against Lexa’s

 

“Well what am I supposed to do without you?” Lexa asked as a hallow feeling took over the joy she had felt only a few minutes ago

 

“Costia and Echo will still be here, Skype has been invented if you hadn’t notice but mostly; it’s good timing because you have Clarke” Anya reasoned as she sighed with a sad smile, placing her own arm around both Costia and Lexa’s shoulders “You’ll be fine without me but I’m not just going to disappear from your life”

 

“I know this is a big opportunity for you and a few weeks ago this probably would have broken me” Lexa admitted after a few moments of silenced passed between them “And believe me, it still feels like its breaking me but I _am_ happy for you. You’ve just been one constant in my life that I don’t know how I will adjust to being without”

 

“Mostly I feel bad for Echo though because she’s the one now who is going to have to control you two when you argue” Anya joked to try and lighten the mood, squeezing Lexa gently “You’ll be fine, it’s actually good timing”

 

“Maybe we should have dinner tonight” Lexa noted, her eyes falling to the floor in front of her

 

“No, go to dinner with your girlfriend” Anya teased which made Lexa pause, hearing it for the first time took her aback a little “And promise me you aren’t going to shut anyone out because I’m leaving. I know you think that people always leave you but I’m only moving, I’m not leaving you so don’t start thinking any of that crap, okay? And don’t make Clarke pay for me leaving either with reacting like that”

 

“I wasn’t planning on shutting her out” Lexa muttered with a shake of her head before she sighed heavily, feeling that tightness return to her chest “This is going to take some getting used to”

 

“You’ll be okay” Anya said seriously “But I would like to maybe hang out with Clarke properly one night before I leave, maybe when we do go to dinner she can come too”

 

“I’d like that” Lexa nodded with a small smile “Why didn’t you tell us you were applying?”

 

“Because do you know how much grief you would all give me if I made a big deal about applying and didn’t get through” Anya joked “And I didn’t want to freak you out when you had enough to worry about”

 

“You could have told me”

 

“I didn’t need to then” Anya shrugged “But I’m super proud of you how you have handled everything with Clarke since Christmas”

 

“Okay, you’re not dying Anya” Costia said rolling her eyes “You’re both being so dramatic”

 

\---

 

The whole day felt like a bit of a blur for Lexa after Costia left in the morning and Anya finished her shift.

 

Lexa didn’t want to let Anya out of her sight during their shift, still convinced that she would just disappear into thin air.

 

She realized that maybe she was being a bit dramatic and technology had advanced so much that they could keep in touch very easily no matter where they were.

 

Anya had just been there for Lexa through everything in her adult life since she moved into Gustus’ apartment complex and she had taken Lexa under her wing.

 

Anya was a bit of a safety net for Lexa and while she knew she still had Costia and Echo, she had a bit of a different relationship with Anya.

 

She wouldn’t have even known Costia or Echo if it weren’t for Anya.

 

Lexa didn’t feel like she needed to recoil back into her shell, she didn’t feel hurt about Anya’s decision to leave knowing that it certainly wasn’t a personal decision.

 

The biggest thing she noticed about herself though was how much she just wanted to get back to her apartment and see Clarke.

 

Instead of pushing Clarke away, she wanted to pull her in tightly and tell her about what was happening with Anya, to be comforted by the other girl.

 

She finished up just after 6pm like she had thought she might, rushing through any stock checks she needed to make before hurrying back to her apartment knowing she was probably going to make them late.

 

Lexa went straight into her apartment without letting Clarke know she was home from work, she figured the other girl would hear her moving around her apartment anyway and she didn’t want to make them any later than they may have been.

 

She showered quickly, changing into the first decent items of clothing she could find that were clean and hanging up; noting that she needed to do some washing when she had some spare time.

 

She pulled her favourite black boots on, moving to the mirror to apply very basic make up and running her hand through her hair because thankfully her hair decided to behave that day.

 

The day had been a blur for her and the afternoon a rush, so much so that she had almost completely forgotten she was now going to have to face Clarke’s friends at dinner and hope she could get along with them.

 

She knew it would be awkward at first and she knew she was going to have difficulty but Lexa had to try and show the side of her that she didn’t allow many people to see; she needed to show the side of her that only came out when her walls came down.

 

She exhaled deeply, nodding as she internally gave herself a pep talk whilst still holding her own eye contact in the mirror.

 

The things she was willing to do for that girl living next door was almost unbelievable.

 

Hearing a knock on the door she quickly left her bathroom, the heels of her boots clicking loudly against her apartment floor.

 

She opened the door and smiled softly as she saw Clarke with a smile on her own face and a pile of clothes neatly folded in her hands in front of her.

 

“I believe these belong to you, all items of clothing accounted for” Clarke offered playfully “I hope it’s okay but I put them in with my washing today seeing as I needed a few things to make it worth actually doing a load”

 

“Of course, thank you” Lexa replied gratefully as she took her clothes from her neighbour, turning around quickly walk to the couch so she could set them down “Sorry I’m running a little late”

 

“You’re not running late” Clarke shrugged as she stood in the doorway “Are you okay? You seem a bit all over the place”

 

“You can tell that already, huh?” Lexa asked with a nervous chuckle while she walked to the front of her apartment where Clarke was waiting for her

 

“Is everything okay?” Clarke asked cautiously, placing her hand on the other girls forearm gently, her thumb brushing against the material of her coat just firmly enough so she could feel it

 

Lexa visibly relaxed under that simple touch from Clarke, exhaling deeply with a nod as her eyes closed for a moment.

 

“It’s just been an interesting day” Lexa explained vaguely

 

“You’re not freaking out about dinner, are you?” Clarke raised both her eyebrows while ducking her head to try and gain Lexa’s line of sight “Because you don’t need to be freaked out. I’ve told everyone to be on their best behavior and I promise this time I will stay right next to you”

 

“That does make me feel a bit better and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, because I am” Lexa nodded before meeting Clarke’s disarming blue eyes “But my head has just been elsewhere today and I just need to get it back”

 

Lexa saw Clarke finch as she spoke, her hand dropped subtly from the brunette’s arm and her expression slowly changed to a look of slight confusion.

 

“I’m not thinking that I regret anything that happened last night” Lexa said earnestly as her hands reached for Clarke’s waist, holding her firmly and pulling the blonde’s body against her own “And I’m not recoiling, that’s not it at all if that’s what you are thinking”

 

“Okay, so what is it?”

 

“Anya’s moving to London in 2 weeks and I don’t know when she’ll be back” Lexa mumbled after a moment of searching Clarke’s eyes to try and find some confidence to expose her own vulnerability “She told me this morning that she got an internship over there and she’s leaving in 2 weeks”

 

“Anya’s leaving?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows

 

“Yes” Lexa replied shortly “And as much as I don’t want her to go, it’s totally a great move for her. It’s just that I don’t really know how to survive without her because she’s always been around for me and I don’t need to explain how I am with people, you know that first hand”

 

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked carefully after a moment of internal deliberation

 

“I don’t know” Lexa responded  

 

“At least you can keep in contact with her a lot easier and it’s a good excuse for you to travel” Clarke said with a small smile “If you need to talk about it, we can”

 

“We should get going, right?” Lexa asked, her eyebrows uneven as she looked to the blonde awkwardly

 

“Do you need to talk about it?” Clarke repeated as she ducked her head to keep Lexa’s attention before it fell to her feet

 

“Not right now” Lexa shook her head with a shrug “Maybe later though”

 

“Okay, I just want you to know that you can talk to me” Clarke replied simply “And that’s all a part of opening up and letting someone in”

 

“What’s the protocol here?” Lexa asked suddenly but her voice was quiet still

 

“Protocol?” Clarke raised an eyebrow curiously

 

“Yeah, is there a protocol on when I can kiss you or when I can’t?” Lexa asked awkwardly

 

Clarke didn’t respond to the comment, laughing to herself as she leaning in to place a gentle and slow kiss on Lexa’s lips, causing the brunette to smile into the lips that so eagerly greeted hers.

 

Clarke pulled away from the kiss just moments later, all too soon in Lexa’s opinion and brought her warm hand to rest on the brunette’s cheek with a smile still present on her face.

 

“Well seeing as we’re together now you can kiss me whenever you want” Clarke smirked, moving to kiss Lexa’s cheek gently and staying there so she could speak closely to Lexa’s ear “As long as I can do the same”

 

“You don’t play fair” Lexa said pulling away with a wide eyed smile so she could look at Clarke completely “You know exactly what you do to me”

 

“And what is that exactly?” Clarke asked playfully feigning her innocence

 

“Two can play that game, Clarke” Lexa replied simply with a shrug as she surrendered her contact with the girl to grab her coat “Let’s go”

 

\---

 

Lexa stood nervously in front of Octavia and Lincoln’s apartment door with Clarke by her side, their hands linked together in between them while the brunette had Raven’s birthday cake that they had picked up on the way in her other hand.

 

Clarke lifted her hand to knock on the door but she paused as she looked at her girlfriend who looked visibly nervous, giving her hand a squeeze which gained the brunette’s attention.

 

“Remember” Clarke offered encouragingly

 

“I’ll be fine” Lexa rolled her eyes with a smile “Just knock”

 

Clarke knocked on the door lightly and only a few moments later a grinning Octavia was standing in front of them as the door flung open suddenly.

 

“I thought you two might be the last ones here” Octavia said with a sly grin on her face before she winked at Clarke “You know what new relationships are like”

 

“Hello to you as well” Clarke laughed as she began to move inside the apartment, tugging Lexa behind her after Octavia had shifted aside for them “Who are we missing?”

 

“My brother is running late” Octavia sighed after she had closed the door “I’ll take your coats in the lounge but I’ll take that cake off your hands first, Lexa”

 

“Thanks” Lexa said sheepishly as she handed the cake to Octavia who gestured them to follow her down the hallway to the rest of the apartment

 

“Their apartment is really nice” Clarke nodded as she followed Lexa’s line of sight before her met the blonde’s gaze “Though I don’t know how Octavia keeps it so clean considering when we lived together I could hardly see the floor half the time”

 

“Hey don’t try blaming me for the disaster that was our apartment” Octavia said defensively as she looked over her shoulder “Yeah I might be messy but you actually seem to _like_ mess and clutter”

 

“I don’t like it” Clarke reasoned with a shrugged “It kind of just happens but you are worse than me”

 

Lexa paused as they reached the main part of the apartment; it was almost double the size of her own and was decorated with very warm earthy colours, modern furniture and pictures of the couple as well as their friends lining the walls

 

“This is amazing” Lexa muttered as Clarke lead her towards the kitchen where Lincoln was cooking something on the stove with a towel over his shoulder and Raven sat on a bar stool by the island in the kitchen eating a few raw vegetables

 

“Who do you believe though, Lexa?” Octavia asked as she reached the fridge to find place for the cake before returning to take coats from the two girls “Do you think Clarke was the messy one or do you think it was me?”

 

“Well judging by what I’ve seen of Clarke’s I think she’s probably the messy one” Lexa said objectively, earning a gentle push from the blonde

 

“There you are” Raven said as she stood from the stool to make her way over to Clarke quickly “ _Finally_ , I thought I was going to have to come over and drag you here myself”

 

She threw her arms around the blonde dramatically, earning a chuckle from Clarke as she let go of Lexa’s hand to return the embrace of her friend.

 

“Happy Birthday” Clarke said happily as Raven pulled away from the hug and set her sights of Lexa

 

“Now I know that you probably don’t hug people and normally, I don’t either but it’s my birthday and I want to accept you into the group but I can’t do that until I know your abilities as a hugger” Raven joked as she held out her arms in front of her

 

Lexa looked towards Clarke who was rolling her eyes once more with a wide smile, giving the brunette a shrug to signal that she could take or leave the offer.

 

Lexa didn’t hug people, typically she liked as little human contact as possible; except seemingly when it came to Clarke but she was there to try and win them over and knew Clarke would definitely have to deal with much of the same when she met her own friends.

 

“Happy Birthday” Lexa said quietly with a nod as she obliged Raven and hugged her quickly before taking a step backwards towards Clarke who looped her arm around the brunette’s

 

“I’m glad you could come tonight” Raven said with a smile as she moved back to the bar stool to sit down again “Now we just need to wait for Bellamy who is doing god knows what and then we can eat”

 

“Well thank you for inviting me” Lexa answered with a firm nod before looking to Octavia and Lincoln “And thank you for having me at your apartment”

 

“No problem, it will be good to actually get to know you” Lincoln said with a sincere smile “Plus we can tell you so many embarrassing stories about Clarke that we have just been itching to tell someone”

 

“No, let’s skip that part” Clarke said with wide eyes

 

“Sounds good to me” Lexa laughed quietly as she looked to the blonde who had a smile on her face despite her horror, leaning in to peck the brunette on the lips chastely

 

Lexa heard an ‘Aw’ come from Octavia, laughter from Lincoln and saw Raven fake a gag before her expression was replaced with a grin knowing that all eyes were on her, causing laughter all through the room.

 

“I’m sorry but you’re both couples here and I’m waiting for my fellow single to arrive so we can make faces at you both” Raven joked harmlessly

 

“Also I know that we didn’t get off to a very great start” Lexa began bravely as the laughter died down “But I promised Clarke that I would try and be who she deserves to have and I do want to get to know you guys, I just hope we can kind of start over”

 

“That’s why we wanted you to come tonight so much” Octavia said with a nod “We were probably a bit too over protective and Clarke kind of explained a few things to make us realize that you’ve had a bit of a different start to life”

 

“Which isn’t an excuse though” Lexa replied fairly

 

“Maybe not but you make her happier than I’ve ever seen. We can agree that we all just want what is best for Clarke and right now you seem to be that, now that you have figured that out yourself finally” Octavia smirked “I mean she told me she actually even enjoys watching documentaries with you now and all we used to watch was trashy reality shows”

 

“Plus we hear you are _very_ good at clean slates” Raven added with a smirk and a wink as she gained Lexa’s attention “Good thing you’re her neighbour on one side because that’s one less person who would have heard something in your whole complex”

 

Lexa could only look to Raven with her mouth half hanging open in shock and felt a warmth develop in her cheeks as she began to blush quickly, looking to Clarke who was biting her lip to stop herself from laughing.

 

“I had to tell them about last night, I tell them almost everything” Clarke offered with an apologetic smile before she spoke quietly “You are very good at clean slates though”

 

Her friends laughed loudly again and Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle as she watched Lexa’s eyes widen further, if that were at all possible.

 

Clarke placed a lingering, sweet kiss on Lexa’s cheek as an apology before reaching down to take the brunette’s hand in her own once more and intertwining their fingers.

 

Though Lexa was more than a little embarrassed, surprisingly she was more focused on the fact that Clarke was squeezing her hand gently and she was still distracted by the kiss the blonde had just placed on her cheek so lovingly.

 

“But we also did hear about the part when you got out of bed just to walk Clarke home from work” Raven said fairly “Which is incredibly sweet of you considering we all kind of ditched her to celebrate my birthday”

 

“Whatever she needed” Lexa answered with a nod

 

Lexa meant what she said because when she realized the night before that things had changed for her, it was completely true.

 

She couldn’t be selfish anymore because she wanted to protect Clarke’s heart from anything she could and that meant herself when she wanted to recoil or push her away.

 

Lexa might not have had a family when she was growing up, she might not have been able to depend on anyone else but herself for a long time and although it was extremely early; the brunette knew that she had found someone to make up for all the things she had missed out on in her life previous to meeting Clarke.

 

And giving into her was definitely the biggest risk she had ever taken but it was also the best and smartest decision she had ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> I will update soon! Also I think I've only got about 2 chapters left in this story, just an FYI.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the tiny delay in posting this update! It's been a super busy week so far! Thank you so much for your outrageously kind words on the last chapter, not too sure I deserve all the compliments I'm given but they totally make my day, so thank you for that. 
> 
> Those who tried to bribe me; I wish I could continue this story further but I feel like if I do I might just run the story into the ground. I will try and make these last 2 chapters as good as I possibly can though, I swear! I loved the bribery though, it gave me endless amusement :P
> 
> As always please let me know what you think, I love your feedback.

Lexa sat on the couch listening to Clarke and her friends talk after dinner, feeling like a bit of a spectator within the group rather than a participant for much of their conversation.

 

The brunette hadn’t expected anything less though; she wasn’t foolish or stupid enough to think it would be a seamless transition into the group; it would take a while for her to find her place in the tight knit group, whom she realized were even closer than she had expected.

 

Being naturally quiet she knew she was going to have to be patient with herself in her effort to fit in with the strong personalities in the group, it was going to take time for her to adapt to.

 

Adaptation seemed to be the theme of Lexa’s life in that period of time, she was trying to be resilient and react well to everything that was being thrown at her but it was tiring.

 

She had come to the conclusion very quickly that adaptation was exhausting.

 

Tensions had picked up as soon as Bellamy arrived just before dinner, Lexa was extremely cautious of the raven haired boy because she could read everyone else easily enough but he proved a bit of a challenge for her to figure out.

 

Lexa wondered whether there was a degree of jealousy, albeit small, in the fact that Clarke had taken such a liking to Lexa and wanted to introduce her into the friendship group so quickly.

 

The brunette was uneasy around Bellamy and Clarke knew that even though she had assured Lexa privately before he arrived that she had no need to feel uneasy around him and that he was just protective over everyone in their group.

 

Out of everyone though, they had gotten off to the worst start and that was something that would take a while to recover, knowing there was no easy resolution for that.

 

Lexa wanted to at least try to be friends with him and she was going to try her hardest to fix it to a point where it wasn’t awkward because she needed to do that for Clarke, she didn’t want to be best friends with him but she also didn’t want the blonde having to worry whenever they were around each other.

 

Lexa listened to all of their inside jokes, their old time stories and their punch lines that made no sense to her but in all honesty she was okay with that; she was happy even.

 

Her only friends her whole life had been Gustus, Anya, Echo and Costia which she was completely fine with, she didn’t want to extend that group because she didn’t feel the need to.

 

She was happy being in her own little comfort zone with people she knew she could trust and rely on.

 

Then Clarke came along and pushed her to rethink her way of life, she pushed her outside of that very comfort zone and she was there trying to extend that group of people she could call a friend because she felt the need to for the blonde.

 

Very deep inside her mind she knew it was good for her own wellbeing to extend her social circle but she wouldn’t actually readily admit that to herself just yet.

 

Lexa’s thoughts were ambushed when she felt Clarke wrap her arm around her waist tightly, kissing her on the cheek gently.

 

“You okay?” Clarke asked quietly as the conversation flowed without her

 

“You don’t need to check on me” Lexa replied just as quietly, looking away from the circle of friends to turn to her girlfriend “But yes, thank you”

 

“You’re just quiet” Clarke admitted

 

“I’m usually quiet” Lexa’s mouth curved upwards into a smile “I don’t really have much to add but I’m having a good time”

 

“You sure?” Clarke raised her eyebrows

 

“You don’t need to worry” Lexa replied reassuringly as she shook her head “As long as you are okay, I am okay”

 

“I was just about to say the same for you” Clarke answered with a grin

 

“Excuse me lovebirds but it’s my birthday weekend and you are reminding me that I’m painfully single so you should stop that” Raven joked as she threw a fake glare their way

 

“Oh stop” Clarke defended as she rolled her eyes but looked back towards her friend “You have my complete attention again”

 

“As I should” Raven said with a dramatic sigh

 

Lexa laughed to herself quietly, moving subtly to be a little closer into Clarke’s side so she could rest her head on her shoulder as she leaned further back into the couch.

 

She felt Clarke’s hand grip her side tighter and noticed a smile growing on Raven’s face as she watched the two while the conversation continued, deciding against pointing out what she had just witnessed and just letting the couple have their moment.

 

\---

 

The most interesting part of the night though came when Clarke excused herself to go to the bathroom, leaving Lexa to be suddenly between Octavia and Raven, who had now moved to the free spot next to the brunette on the couch.

 

“As Clarke’s friends we need to make this obligatory speech while she is gone, nothing too serious” Raven said carefully with a straight face “But we need you to listen _very_ carefully”

 

“Are you really doing this?” Lincoln asked from the other couch

 

“We just need you to know how much Clarke means to us and we need you to know just what will happen if you break her heart again” Raven said slowly

  
“Are you threatening me?” Lexa asked with wide eyes as she looked between the two girls “You do realize I’m in law school, right?”

 

“No” Octavia said laughing before she paused “Not a threat at all, we’re just politely letting you know that you’re lucky to have her and you should remember that”

 

“Okay” Lexa said simply, looking between the two girls before looking to Bellamy who just shrugged with a smirk on his face, giving the brunette no help

 

“So don’t push her away like last time because we are starting to like you and it would be a shame to have to break you” Raven said with yet again a straight face before she smiled

 

“I’m really sorry about this” Lexa heard Lincoln said with a sigh

 

“She has strong feelings for you, that’s all” Octavia shrugged “And we want to make sure you feel the same about her”

 

“Last night wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t feel strongly about her” Lexa said simply

 

“Okay then” Raven said with a satisfied smirk “I guess we don’t need to bring this up ever again…especially to Clarke”

 

“What aren’t you bringing up with me?” Clarke questioned before she paused in front of the couch “Why are you both sitting so close to Lexa and why does she look terrified?”

 

“She doesn’t look _terrified_ ” Raven replied as she stood from Clarke’s spot on the couch

 

Lexa played the conversation back in her head the rest of the night, still trying to figure out whether Raven and Octavia had been serious when they gave her that speech or whether they were just amusing themselves.

 

The new couple had wound up in Lexa’s bed at the end of night, both unwilling to split into their own apartments and both very unwilling to let each other go just yet.

 

The brunette felt her heart still beating steadily as she looked up at the ceiling, feeling the warmth of Clarke’s naked body curled up into her own.

 

The blonde’s deep breathing was warm against her neck, occasionally pressing light kisses against her skin or even playfully nipping just underneath Lexa’s jawline to keep herself entertained as they lay in silence for a while.

 

Clarke’s hand traced random patterns around Lexa’s bellybutton under the sheet where her hand rested, causing Lexa to twitch occasionally due to the tickle on her skin and an innocent chuckle to escape from her lips; something so full of pure happiness that it was like music to the blonde’s ears.

 

Clarke just had the ability to make Lexa feel completely secure and safe, something that she had only been able to provide herself with previously.

 

Their legs still tangled at the bottom of the bed as Clarke nuzzled herself silently into Lexa’s neck a little further, trying to press her bare body as close as she could into the brunette for not only warmth but comfort as well.

 

“I can see this becoming a bit of a habit” Clarke whispered Lexa’s skin, the darkened apartment only being illuminated by the streams of light breaking through the half closed blinds

 

“I’m totally okay with that” Lexa rasped, her eyes trained on the ceiling “In fact, I’m more than okay with it”

 

“Me too” Clarke agreed with a small nod

 

Lexa didn’t reply to the comment, instead she turned her head to kiss Clarke’s forehead with lingering lips; placing multiple soft kisses into the blonde’s skin sweetly.

 

“Why couldn’t have we just done this from the start?” Clarke asked quietly “Why couldn’t we just have skipped all of the bad stuff and landed here in the first place?”

 

“Probably because I have extreme intimacy and trust issues” Lexa offered dryly but a smile on her face “And I think it’s better now that we have started working through it, you know more about me than anyone”

 

“You’re probably right” Clarke conceded with a sigh “Still, I feel like we have a lot of lost time to make up for”

 

“We have even more time to do that though” Lexa replied thoughtfully before she sighed quietly “And don’t worry; I won’t waste any of it”

 

“Good” Clarke said in satisfaction as she pushed herself up from Lexa’s neck, propping her head on her free hand so she could look at the brunette through the dull light “Truthfully, did you have a good night?”

 

“I did” Lexa said reassuringly with a smile “I know I’m not going to be best friends with them straight away because it will take time but they are good people. I just need to find out where I fit in within the group, that’s all”

 

“They are _great_ people and you fit in right next to me” Clarke corrected playfully “Though I’d still like to know why you were terrified after I came back from the bathroom”

 

“I wasn’t terrified, I was more confused than anything” Lexa admitted with a shake of her head “Speaking of confusing, Bellamy hardly said a word”

 

“Because of how mad I got at him last time he knew he had to be on his very best behavior” Clarke said with a shrug “And they were all told to be on their best behavior”

 

“I don’t want them to have to be anything but themselves though” Lexa said shaking her head “I mean I really appreciate them toning it down for me because it could have been too much tonight but I don’t want them to have to adjust for me”

 

“Oh don’t worry, they’ll probably be a lot crazier next time you seem them but I knew the first time would be intimidating” Clarke replied simply with a soft smile “Plus I figured after the day you had, you probably needed them to be a little less intense”

 

“Yeah” Lexa mumbled more to herself than anything “You guys just have a lot of stories and good times together that I didn’t experience. I just have a lot to catch up on, I guess”

 

“Just take it slow, no one expects you to jump right in” Clarke shook her head “But they do like you and they know you are trying so they are trying too”

 

“I still think Bellamy has something against me” Lexa mumbled, her tone a little too honest to what she was expecting to produce

 

“He is just protective”

 

“Did you two ever have any history?” Lexa asked quickly “Ever since the day I saw him with you, I thought there was something there”

 

“No, absolutely not” Clarke answered quickly and earnestly “Nothing between Bellamy and I has ever happened and it never will. He doesn’t have those kinds of feelings; he’s just like the big brother of the group”

 

“But maybe that’s just what he’s told you” Lexa countered suspiciously “Not that I can talk in this situation I guess”

 

“Because of Costia?” Clarke asked awkwardly after a moment’s pause

 

“Because of Costia” Lexa replied honestly with a nod “Obviously that is long ago and it’s a bit different but I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t at least acknowledge that”

 

“It doesn’t matter what Bellamy thinks, and believe me he doesn’t think anything like that because he’s had long enough to say something seeing as I’ve been single for quite a while” Clarke explained  seriously “There’s no history there and there’s no feelings there, especially from my side. He’s just protective and in saying that, he doesn’t have anything against you personally”

 

“If you say so” Lexa conceded, not wanting to pursue the matter any further

 

“You didn’t answer why you looked confused or terrified when I came out of the bathroom though” Clarke smirked, leaning down to kiss Lexa very quickly before pulling back once more to look her in the eyes

 

“Are you trying to bribe me with kisses to tell you?” Lexa asked as her eyes finally fluttered open once more, grinning lazily as tiredness began to set in

 

“That depends” Clarke replied as she leaned in again to ghost her lips over Lexa’s, close enough so Lexa could feel her warm breath but far away enough that she couldn’t kiss her without moving her head “Is it working?”

 

“Definitely” Lexa said with a chuckle

 

“Good” Clarke rewarded Lexa by pressing their lips together chastely, pulling away to lean her forehead against the brunette “So?”

 

“Oh I just got the whole friendship talk” Lexa shrugged as she swallowed thickly “No big deal”

 

“Of course” Clarke sighed, moving away from the other girl’s forehead but stayed relatively close still “Sorry about that”

 

“That’s okay, I mean you’ll probably get it when you properly meet my friends” Lexa laughed as she saw Clarke’s eyes widen

 

“Do you think so?”

 

“I damn well hope so” Lexa replied playfully “I mean if I had to go through it then you should have to as well. I don’t know a lot about relationships but I think that if one of us has to go through it then so should the other”

 

“My friends are harmless though” Clarke countered

 

“Well I think mine are starting to love you more than they love me” Lexa joked with a smirk

 

“I doubt that” Clarke laughed quietly “So was today the first you heard of Anya and London?” 

 

“I was wondering when that would be brought up” Lexa said with a sigh

 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but I don’t think you should keep that inside” Clarke shook her head “I mean it’s not like it’s a small thing”

 

“It’s not small” Lexa confirmed “But it’s also something I’m still trying to process, which I know sounds stupid”

 

“It’s not stupid” Clarke said quickly with a shake of her head “It’s not stupid at all”

 

“She’s won an 8 month internship based in London that she apparently applied for a while ago but she didn’t tell anyone just in case she didn’t get it” Lexa explained briefly in a strained voice “The interview obviously went well because she got it and she was saying that if everything works out, she might get a permanent job there”

 

“That’s pretty huge” Clarke said raising her eyebrows “And she must have beaten a lot of people for that”

 

“I know, and I’m super proud of her. I want to be really happy for her and I am but I can’t help it that I’m sad about her leaving” Lexa admitted quietly “I mean skype just isn’t the same as actually spending time with someone. People can say that it is but it’s not”

 

“I know” Clarke soothed

 

“Anya just kind of took me under her wing when she didn’t really need to and honestly I would have been more trouble than I was worth so I don’t know what she was thinking” Lexa chuckled dryly “I mean I wouldn’t have done it”

 

“So why do you think she did then?”

 

“I have no idea” Lexa paused thoughtfully “I mean not only was a I shut off teenager but I was just that, a _teenager,_ with a massive attitude and grudge against the world”

 

“So you were even more closed off then when I met you?” Clarke asked raising an eyebrow “Is that possible?”

 

“So possible” Lexa confirmed seriously with a nod “And when Gustus got me a job at the book store I was so grateful, I worked so hard but I didn’t want to make friends. No one had ever even tried to be friends with me until Anya did”

 

“No one tried to be friends with you?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows “Not even in school?”

 

“No one wanted to be around me, I was the lonely foster kid” Lexa replied with a shrug “Which didn’t bother me too much because that kind of thickened my skin but Anya was the first real person to call me out on it, much like you did”

 

“Sounds like that’s just what you need in order to get through to you” Clarke noted as her eyes dropped to her hand under the sheet that was still drawing patterns against the soft skin of Lexa’s firm stomach

 

“And I still don’t know why she wanted to be my friend but she did and she was the first real friend I had ever had. She introduced me to Costia and Echo as well who have been amazing to me through the years as well so it’s going to be weird without Anya” Lexa admitted quietly, Clarke’s eyes may have dropped but Lexa kept her sight firmly fixed on the blonde who was lying next to her “As much as I have to get used to living without her, I have to get used to living so closely with you now”

 

“We’ve lived next to each other for a little while now” Clarke chuckled absently

 

“No I mean that I have to get used to being so close to you without being terrified and maybe relying on you a little more with Anya gone” Lexa said with a small smile “Anya said that it was perfect timing because I have you now and maybe it is but I just don’t feel like there is a perfect time for her to move across the world”

 

“Well to be fair, there’s probably no perfect time for her to move across the world for you” Clarke replied softly, her eyes still focusing intently on the sheet above Lexa’s stomach “But she was right, you do have me”

 

“And I can’t tell you how amazing that is because I’d be having a lot more trouble with this for many reasons if it weren’t for you” Lexa admitted seriously

 

“What made you trust Anya like you did?” Clarke asked as her eyes met Lexa’s once more

 

“That happened over time” Lexa said evenly with a shrug “That part isn’t interesting at all. I knew she actually gave a damn and she proved that, I don’t think I’ll ever figure out why she did but trust came with time. Much like you I have no idea as to why I decided to actually let myself trust her in the first place because it was so out of character for me. I don’t mean that in a bad way either, I just mean that I must only trust exceptional people”

 

“Good save” Clarke joked with a grin

 

“So I’ve got 2 weeks to get used to the fact that she won’t be around anymore and I think I need longer than that” Lexa admitted with a deep sigh, reaching out her hand to cup Clarke’s cheek gently “It’s unfair how beautiful you are, like I ever stood a chance against you”

 

“I don’t know why you thought you wouldn’t be good at this relationship thing” Clarke said as she leaned her forehead against the Lexa’s once more, keeping her eyes firmly locked with the brunette “Flattery is the key to a great relationship”

 

“I’ll just have to keep it up then” Lexa grinned with a shake of her head before capturing Clarke’s lips in her own

 

Lexa kissed Clarke slowly, taking her time with the other girl and hoping that she would have many more moments like this with the blonde in the hours, days, weeks even years to come.

 

She felt Clarke’s hand freeze, pressing firmly into her abdominals as her nails scratched gently against her skin and she couldn’t help but smile against the blonde’s lips.

 

“What?” Clarke asked almost breathlessly as they pulled away from the kiss

 

“Nothing” Lexa dismissed quickly as her eyes opened “I want to make a deal”

 

“You want to make a deal?” Clarke raised her eyebrows, pulling from Lexa’s delicate grip so she could read the soft expression on Lexa’s face

 

“If we do this as often as possible, I’ll keep the flattery going”

 

“That is my kind of deal” Clarke agreed very quickly before seriousness becoming evident on her expression “You still have Echo and you still have Costia here. You’re going to miss Anya, of course you are but she will still be your best friend, no distance can change that”

 

“Except that’s exactly what distance can do” Lexa said logically “Long distance _anything_ never works”

 

“She’s not going to stop contacting you or being your friend just because she doesn’t live here anymore and if you had the same opportunity she would be telling you to go for it” Clarke reasoned “Don’t you dare pull away from her these next few weeks just because she is leaving. Yes, it will hurt but you owe her that much to try to be happy for her”

 

“You’re right” Lexa groaned “And I am happy for her, I honestly am. It’s just going to take some getting used to”

 

“You’ll adjust” Clarke replied quietly, kissing Lexa on the cheek firmly “And I’m here if you need to talk about it anymore”

 

“Thank you” Lexa said seriously “You do realize this means you’re going to have to hang out with my friends because Anya is leaving sooner rather than later”

 

“The sooner the better” Clarke said as she dropped her head back into Lexa’s neck, moving her hand from the brunette’s stomach to wrap around her side to grip her tightly

 

\---

 

The next weekend was the first time Lexa could organize anything with her friends to hang out with her and Clarke.

 

They had all been busy with work, school for Lexa as well as Clarke and of course Anya was trying to organize everything for a move to the other side of the world, which was causing her a lot more stress than she was admitting.

 

Much like Anya could see right through Lexa, the brunette could see right through her best friend in turn and she knew the older girl was just inches from having a stress related meltdown.

 

Lexa had been helping Anya as much as possible wherever she could for that reason, she was still uneasy about the girl leaving but she was trying not to show it because her best friend didn’t need the strain of trying to console her as well as everything else she was dealing with.

 

Lexa had even found herself asleep one night on Anya’s floor as she helped her sort her apartment out into what she could take and what she was going to have to place in storage, deciding that the very comfortable rug on the floor was the best place to look through the mountain of shoes she was sorting.

 

Other than that night, Lexa and Clarke had been in each other’s beds every night that week.

 

It didn’t matter whose apartment they were in, they just wanted to be in the same bed and it didn’t matter which one it was because they just wanted to be together.

 

It had been an intense week for Lexa for a number of different reasons so she always looked forward to when she’d hear a quiet knock on her door announcing the blonde’s arrival or receive a text message from Clarke next door asking if she wanted to go over.

 

Lexa sat in Clarke’s apartment, her head back against the couch as she hugged her arms to her own body for warmth while waiting for the blonde to get ready for dinner.

 

Clarke had just finished a shift at work that Friday afternoon and had rushed back to ensure she made it on time for their 7pm reservation at that same restaurant they had gone to only a few weeks earlier.

 

The brunette could feel herself fading into a sleep as the late nights and busy days began to catch up with her, knowing that something had to give even though she wasn’t able or willing to relinquish either.

 

“You are such an old man” Clarke laughed in passing as walked swiftly to dig through her bag that was sitting on the other side of the couch “You haven’t even had dinner and you’re falling asleep”

 

“I’m not falling asleep” Lexa replied shaking her head lethargically “It’s just been a big week”

 

“It has been a big week but I need you to be wide awake for when we go to dinner with your friends” Clarke said quickly, a frown covering her face as she continued to sift through her bag

 

“You’re nervous” Lexa said as the realization dawned upon the brunette, causing her to sit up straight “You’re all jittery”

 

“I am nervous but you were nervous too when you met my friends” Clarke admitted with a sigh as she looked to Lexa “These people are practically your family”

 

“Well I was absolutely petrified when I met your friends because I’m a closed in loner with terrible social skills who completely broke your heart for no good reason right before Christmas” Lexa said standing from the couch, taking a long stride to stand next to the girl who was still bent over looking through her bag and placing a single hand on her waist “You are _Clarke Griffin_. I don’t really think I need to say any more than that. They already love you _and_ I think Costia possibly has a small, or large crush on you”

 

“Well I don’t blame her I guess” Clarke mumbled as she stood up straight to look at Lexa, hanging her arms lazily over the brunette’s shoulders

 

“Either do I” Lexa laughed, leaning in to kiss Clarke quickly before pulling away “Now find what you are looking for so we can go, I’m never late”

 

“Yeah okay” Clarke rolled her eyes as she detached herself from Lexa who sighed from the loss of contact

 

Clarke had finished getting ready quickly before they walked to the restaurant, Lexa thankful for the decent weather that made the cold walk bearable.

 

She squeezed Clarke’s hand gently as they approached the outside of the restaurant, glancing back to give the blonde a smile as she opened the door for her.

 

As soon she walked into the restaurant, Lexa spotted her friends that were huddled around a table near the front, talking closely between each other as they waited.

 

“Did you guys purposely beat us here?” Lexa raised an eyebrow as the couple approached the table

 

“We had to make you look bad” Costia joked with a grin as she stood from her chair before looking to Clarke “I’m sorry but I have to hug you for whipping this one into shape and actually making her heart beat”

 

“Okay, come on” Lexa laughed to herself as Costia hugged Clarke quickly before taking a step towards the brunette

 

“You love me” Costia said as she hugged her friend, contrary to how she was reacting Lexa hugged the other girl tightly

 

“Okay well now that we’ve done that, you guys sit down so we can order because I haven’t eaten all day” Anya grinned from her seat

 

Lexa pulled out Clarke’s chair for her before sitting next to the other girl, feeling the blonde’s hand on her knee once they settled into their seats.

 

“This is pretty exciting” Echo said looking around the table

 

“It’s also the last time we’re going to have dinner as a little family before I go” Anya said realistically, glancing to Clarke “A little extended family of course including Clarke now”

 

“You don’t have time to have dinner any other night?” Lexa asked frowning

 

“Maybe on the floor of my apartment but not like this” Anya replied “I don’t even have time for a going away party. I actually don’t even think I have time to be here tonight but here I am”

 

“Well you’re the one taking the internship” Costia reminded her very quickly, her voice unsympathetic

 

“So you think I should refuse it because I don’t have time for a going away party?” Anya raised her eyebrow

 

“Guys” Lexa said with wide eyes

 

“Right” Costia nodded, clearing her throat “I’m assuming Clarke knows about Anya’s internship”

 

“It sounds like one hell of an opportunity” Clarke said looking to Anya who just smiled and nodded

 

“It is, thank you for being one of the only people who have said that” Anya said looking between her friends

 

“No, you know I am happy for you” Lexa defended firmly “But you also know how much you mean to me”

 

“You do realize that I’m the one leaving all of you. You’ll all be here and I will be alone on the other side of the world” Anya said seriously looking directly at Lexa “And you mean the same to me as I do to you so this isn’t easy”

 

“But you can make more friends” Lexa shook her head

 

“Not like you though” Anya shot back just as quickly

 

“I believe that” Costia teased Lexa as she winked at Clarke “Right, Clarke?”

 

“Do you want to date Clarke, too?” Lexa raised her eyebrows

 

“I don’t date” Costia shook her head “No offence, Clarke”

 

“None taken” Clarke shook her head with a small smile

 

“I’m sorry, their weirdness is usually contained” Lexa said looking to the blonde

 

“No it’s great” Clarke said honestly as she squeezed Lexa’s knee gently “I’m really glad we got the chance to do this”

 

“So are we” Echo nodded in agreement

 

“In all seriousness though, I hope you know just how mad we were at Lexa when you left for Christmas” Costia said as she leaned back in her chair “If she hadn’t had fixed it like she did then I possibly would have disowned her myself”

 

“Lexa told me” Clarke nodded “She’s lucky to have such honest and caring friends”

 

“I knew I liked you” Anya grinned “You have been really good for her; I can’t explain how much she has grown just by being with you. I mean the old Lexa never would have done such a simple thing as approach your table here when you were at dinner with your friends like she did”

 

“Yeah that was surprising” Echo agreed

 

“She’s definitely opened up” Clarke nodded

 

“And you are the most patient human being I’ve ever come across” Costia said seriously “I love you Lexa but you are the single most frustrating individual I know and I would have hit you long before you got a second chance”

 

“Thanks” Lexa replied with a tone that was dripping of sarcasm “Can we move on from talking about me though?”

 

“Enough teasing the poor girl” Anya agreed with a soft smile on her face “Let’s order or I’m going to start chewing on my menu”

 

“Yeah and we want to come back again so let’s not allow that to happen” Costia shook her head as she looked down to her menu

 

“You know Raven’s family owns this place, right?” Clarke asked raising an eyebrow as she looked directly to Lexa

 

“Raven’s your friend?” Costia questioned before receiving a nod from the blonde

 

“Really?” Lexa asked “That’s why you guys had that awesome table?”

 

“Yeah” Clarke answered “Her Aunt and Uncle own this place, they just bought it out and reopened it”

 

“Lexa lock this down” Costia joked as she reached over to push her friend’s shoulder gently

 

\---

 

After dinner Echo and Anya went their separate way, Anya promising Lexa that she would come to her apartment and find some time to hang out with both her and Clarke of them before she left on Saturday.

 

She had also asked Lexa if she would accompany her parents to the airport next Saturday afternoon to see her off and of course the brunette agreed to go, even though she knew it would probably be more painful than anything.

 

As per usual, Lexa walked with Costia to her apartment with her friend’s arm looped in her own but the difference this time was she was holding Clarke’s hand on the other side as they walked closely together.

 

“You know, we better be careful walking like this” Costia said glancing around the street as to fake a mild element of paranoia

 

“I can only imagine why” Lexa rolled her eyes “And I can only imagine what you’ll tell us”

 

“Why?” Clarke asked raising an eyebrow

 

“Well Lexa here has two beautiful women on her arms so they might think she has money or something” Costia explained, laughing at her own joke as soon as she finished speaking and looking around Lexa to see Clarke smirking “Am I right, Clarke?”

 

“Well if nothing else it does prove she has good taste” Clarke shrugged with a small smile

 

“You’re a thorn between two roses my dear friend” Costia used her free hand to hit Lexa gently on the shoulder

 

“I believe the saying is the rose between two thorns” Lexa raised her eyebrows quickly glancing to her friend

 

“Be nice” Costia replied with a chuckle “Clarke I never thought I would see the day when Lexa would actually be able to let someone in like she has you”

 

“I know it’s been difficult” Clarke agreed with a nod “And from what I hear; I have a bit to thank you specifically for”

 

“The thing with Lexa is that you just can’t take her crap” Costia said simply as she squeezed the brunette’s arm tightly “I love this girl and I honestly don’t know anyone stronger than her but she hides behind what she thinks will repel people so she doesn’t have to deal with feeling anything, which you know. You just have to tell her to stop and she’ll get down to her real feelings eventually”

 

“Great” Lexa grumbled “More psychoanalyzing”

 

“Stop, I’m just trying to talk to your girlfriend like you aren’t here” Costia dismissed teasingly as she let go of Lexa’s arm and walked behind the couple to find herself on the other side of Clarke “Better”

 

“Costia please, Clarke is going to hate spending time with you and Echo is you keep doing this”

 

“It’s fine” Clarke said squeezing Lexa’s hand gently

 

“You and I might have just met but we already have something in common and that’s we want the best for Lexa, even if she is as stubborn as all hell and sometimes stupid” Costia began as she looked to the blonde “But I just want you to know that I love my friend dearly and she deserves to be happy after everything she has been through, I know firsthand what she had to do to push through it all and it’s been hell. I’m sure your friends did the same thing and I definitely think you have excellent intentions with her but I was a little worried at first”

 

“Costia” Lexa protested weakly

 

“Clarke’s a big girl, we’re just talking” Costia dismissed Lexa lightly but not looking away from the blonde once more as they walked slowly “As I was saying, I was worried because I’ve seen the way she looks when she talks about you and now I’ve seen the way she looks at you when you’re here. It just worried me because I don’t want her falling for someone who isn’t falling for her. I know it’s early but I think everyone deserves to have someone look at them like Lexa does at you, she might try and hide her feelings at times but it’s a dead giveaway. I’ve seen how you look at her now though and I can tell you feel the same as her, so I feel much better. The thing about this girl is that Lexa doesn’t need taking care of; she’s done it herself her whole life but what she does need is someone who’s going to stop her from hiding away and I think you can do that”

 

“I think my feelings for Lexa are pretty clear” Clarke said honestly, shaking the awe of what exactly Costia had just told her from her voice “Personally I think they have been clear from the very start”

 

“I agree” Costia nodded quickly “How you got her to actually listen to her feelings though, I will never know”

 

“Okay, seriously that is enough” Lexa said awkwardly as they arrived at Costia’s apartment building “Please”

 

“Just in time because this is my stop. Clarke it was wonderful to finally spend a little time with you and I feel like this will become a beautiful friendship” Costia winked as she let go of Clarke to circle around to her friend “You stay out of trouble and look after your _fantastic_ girlfriend”

 

“Okay” Lexa rolled her eyes “Well thanks for all that embarrassment”

 

“Well you don’t have parents to do that for you so I’ve nominated myself to fill that void” Costia shrugged as she kissed Lexa’s cheek very quickly before tucking her hands into her pockets and rushing into her apartment building

 

“So I’m _really_ sorry about that” Lexa said with wide eyes as she turned to a clearly amused Clarke “She can be a bit much sometimes”

 

“She was no more than my friends were” Clarke said as she took a step in towards Lexa, reaching up to the collar of her coat and pulling on it gently to be as close to the brunette as possible “I _really_ like your friends”

 

“You do?” Lexa asked knitting her eyebrows together

 

“I can see why you’re so close” Clarke nodded “And Costia didn’t say anything that I wasn’t expecting”

 

“Her little speech then wasn’t too much for you?” Lexa asked placing her hands on Clarke’s waist, holding the girl firmly in front of her

 

“No because that was true too. Your eyes are a dead giveaway but I do feel the same about you as you do me” Clarke nodded once more as a smile tugged at the corner of her lips, pulling the brunette that little bit closer so that their noses were touching but their lips made no contact “Thank you for letting me meet them, I know that’s a big step into letting me into your world”

 

“Thank you for putting up with all of it” Lexa replied as her eyes fluttered closed “Not everyone would be able to”

 

Lexa moved a hand up to Clarke’s face, using her index finger to hook under Clarke’s chin gently to tilt her head up slightly; capturing her lips softly.

 

Lexa exhaled as they kissed, feeling a dizziness take over her body; being thankful in the moment that her eyes were closed or she may have struggled for balance.

 

The brunette broke from the kiss only a few moments after they had started, grabbing Clarke’s hand in her own and began walking in the direction to their apartment complex.

 

“It’s way too cold out tonight and if we kiss anymore right now in public I may have trouble restraining myself” Lexa admitted with a grin as she brought Clarke’s hand up to her mouth so she could place a gentle kiss on the outside of her palm

 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile as her lips pressed into Clarke’s hand, her teeth playfully nipping the blonde’s skin; earning a chuckle but also a whack on the shoulder.

 

The brunette laughed to herself as she dropped their hands down between them but still kept her fingers loosely intertwined with Clarke, not willing to lose all contact with the other girl while they were right beside each other.

 

So many things could have been happening around them and Lexa would have had no idea because she was so caught up in the moment, in her own little existence with Clarke that she never wanted to leave.

 

Lexa was happy, she was _really_ happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> I will have the last chapter up on the weekend! 
> 
> Have a fantastic rest of your week :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again you are all super amazing and brilliant! Thank you for all the love you have shown me throughout this story and I really hope you like the last chapter! 
> 
> I promised it would be a long one so enjoy the epic length of this one :P 
> 
> As always I would love to hear what your thoughts are on this chapter or the story as a whole!

**_11 Months later_ **

****

They say that everything can change in the blink of an eye; worlds can be destroyed, lives could be healed, fates could be decided and people can be forgiven or forgotten.

 

Lexa definitely believed that single, everyday choices could alter someone’s life either for the better or the worse and she had experienced that firsthand.

 

All actions had consequences, whether those consequences were good or bad. Some choices she had made over the past few years hadn’t been so great but other choices she had made were the best decisions she had ever made.

 

One great choice she had made though was taking an entry position as soon as she had graduated into the law firm that she had completed an internship with 2 summers ago.

 

It wasn’t glamorous by any means; she was getting mundane, tedious cases and jobs that no one else would take or _wanted_ to take for that matter but Lexa was still happy.

 

She was happy to have graduated from Law School on her own merits and she was happy to have earned herself a job at a large family law firm because of her own reputation, no one else’s.

 

That’s what made her proud and that’s what made her continue to work as hard as she could to be as good as the opportunities presented to her would allow; she wasn’t going to let anyone, including herself get in the way of what she wanted.

 

She wasn’t getting paid much compared to everyone else in company but she was happy to earn that right and she knew she was lucky being paid at all; her sometimes long, always hard work hours did pay better than working part time at Grounders Book Store though.

 

Lexa sat at her work desk with her glasses resting on her face while she twirled an unopened envelope between her fingers, reclining back into her chair before sighing heavily; a concentrated frown covering her face.

 

She could hear the sound of multiple vacuums fill the air on her floor; the cleaners were the only people keeping her company at 10:30pm on the Friday night before Christmas week and even they were in a rush to finish quickly so they could get home.

 

There were plenty of other things she could have been doing with her Friday night and she didn’t enjoy just hanging at her desk like she had been at that moment but she was there for a specific reason.

 

She was there at 10:30pm to catch Anya on Skype because the time difference didn’t work out so well for them while Lexa was at work during the day and the most convinient time to talk was before her best friend had to get up ridiculously early for work.

 

She had been working until just after 10pm to get everything she needed to done before she had a week and a half off for Christmas; knowing she wouldn’t get home in time for the call even though she caught the subway in every day now.

 

The tone of an incoming Skype call sounded and Lexa jumped in her seat slightly, her focus leaving the envelope in her hands to look towards her computer, the profile picture of Anya in the middle of her screen.

 

She smiled to herself, putting her headphones in her ears and connecting them to her laptop before she hit the accept button and smiled even wider as she saw Anya’s sleepy grin in front of her.

 

It had been difficult for Lexa when Anya left, watching her leave at the airport was harder than she had ever imagined it was going to be.

 

She had Costia, Echo and of course Clarke to help her through immediately; it still took her time to get used to not having Anya around who had been her best friend for so long.

 

Though they communicated by text every day and tried to Skype every few days, it wasn’t the same as it had been when she could have a conversation with the other girl being physically there.

 

Lexa was extremely proud of Anya; she had battled through her internship and earned her own job in London; which just meant that she would be there longer than the brunette had hoped for. It was selfish of her to want her back and she knew that, so that was why she was just trying her absolute best to be happy for her more than anything.

 

“Hey there sleepy head” Lexa grinned as she pushed her glasses from her eyes to sit on the top of her head

 

“Are you still at work?” Anya asked raising her eyebrows “Though it is really early here so I could be seeing things”

 

“No I’m still at work” Lexa sighed “Right now I think it’s just me and the cleaners in the building but I wasn’t going to get home in time to Skype if I left. I only just finished what I was doing anyway”

 

“But you’re taking a week and a half off now so at least you can have a break now” Anya nodded with a small smile “Are you excited for Christmas?”

 

“It can’t be worse than the last” Lexa laughed to herself “Are you still spending it with your roommates?”

 

“Yeah so besides the cold it shouldn’t be too different to Miami last year” Anya nodded with a grin “But seriously, are you excited to go to Middleton and spend it with Clarke? When do you leave?”

 

“We leave Sunday and I’m more than excited to spend Christmas with Clarke” Lexa said, a grin of her own breaking out on her face “And it’s the first time I’ve seen her mom since we actually started dating so that should be interesting”

 

“Well from what you’ve told me, I’m sure Clarke will be thankful to have you there” Anya nodded before she yawned tiredly “I’m glad you are going with her, it will be a nice change. Your first family Christmas”

 

“I’ve had family Christmas with you” Lexa deadpanned with a shake of her head

 

“No I mean like actual family Christmas” Anya grinned “You and Clarke have almost been together for a year and eventually she’ll become your family meaning that you’ll have an _actual_ family”

 

“Costia, Echo and you are all my _actual_ family too” Lexa rolled her eyes before her expression sobered and she sighed “Which reminds me what I needed to talk to you about”

 

“Okay” Anya said skeptically “Usually when you sound like that, it’s not good”

 

“I was going through the mail this morning before I left for work and I found this letter” Lexa said holding up the envelope that was still in her hands

 

“What is it?” Anya asked squinting as she looked into the computer to try and view the envelope “Hold it up to the camera”

 

“There was no name against it on the back so I checked the return address out and it’s from a private investigator here in New York” Lexa said as she held the envelope to the camera as Anya had asked quickly before placing it on the desk in front of her once more

 

“A private investigator?” Anya asked cocking an eyebrow “What?”

 

“Yep” Lexa answered with a nod before swallowing thickly “And we all know there’s only one reason why a private investigator would be contacting me”

 

“Have you opened the letter?” Anya questioned cautiously

 

“Hell no”

 

“Well are you going to?” Anya questioned further as she rubbed her eyes tiredly

 

“I don’t know” Lexa shook her head as she looked down at the small envelope that had been causing her stress all day “I don’t know if I _want_ to open it”

 

“If you don’t open it, you won’t know what it’s about”

 

“Maybe that’s the way I want to keep it” Lexa shrugged “We both know that the only reason I would get a letter like this would be that someone in my biological family wants to make contact with me. I mean why else would I have a letter from a private investigator, it’s not like I have anything else worth digging up”

 

“Lexa, you aren’t going to know that until you open the letter” Anya explained carefully “What did Clarke say?”

 

“I haven’t told her yet” Lexa admitted with guilt after a moment’s pause

 

“What? Why not?”

 

“I only got it this morning on the way to work and I haven’t told anyone but you” Lexa explained seriously

 

“You should talk to her about it, see what she says” Anya said quietly as the conversation paused because Lexa was busy staring at the letter “Do you even want to have contact with them?”

 

“No” Lexa said shaking her head “At least I don’t think so”

 

“I think you need to speak to your girlfriend, you seem to work things out pretty well when you talk to her and see what she thinks because she’s the one who is going to have to deal with you over Christmas for a week and a half” Anya responded with a sigh “And I want you to text me and tell me what you decide but let me know if you need to talk about it. Costia and Echo are there for you too so you should tell them as well”

 

“When are you coming back?” Lexa asked quietly as she looked to her friend on the computer screen in front of her

 

“I have no idea, probably not for a while” Anya said with a sad smile “But you seem to be doing great without me and you have so many great people around you”

 

“Yeah but they’re not you” Lexa said seriously

 

“You’re just being dramatic now, Lexa” Anya chuckled “And while I love you for saying that, you have Clarke. Who by the way is waiting at home for you so you should hang up and go, it’s late there”

 

“Yeah” Lexa agreed with a small nod “Maybe you’re right”

 

“I’m always right, you know that” Anya grinned before her face evened out “Let me know what you decide, okay?”

 

“Yeah” Lexa nodded once more “I’ll talk to you soon”

 

“You will” Anya replied “Bye Lexa”

 

“Bye” Lexa smiled as she heard Anya hang up the call

 

Anya was right; Lexa stood from her chair, put her laptop in her bag before she threw her coat on and threw her bag over her shoulder.

 

She looked down to her desk and cursed herself as she grabbed the envelope, stuffing it in her pocket before making her way quickly out of the building.

 

Like she did everyday now; Lexa made her way to the subway station, it was late but it was a Friday night so there was still a decent number of people and she took the quick ride close to home.

 

She tucked her hands into her pockets, ducking her head as a cold wind ripped through the streets but she pushed on towards her apartment block.

 

As Lexa walked past her old place of employment; Grounders Book Store as smile appeared on her face every time she saw it, even stopping in whenever the lights were still on to see Anya’s parents.

 

Those were the people who had been there for her; those were the people who were actually her family; not these people who were contacting her.

 

If it was actually her biological family trying to contact her that was.

 

Lexa wasn’t naturally too curious, she had thought if something like this happened she probably could have let it go without issue but for some reason now that it actually had happened, she couldn’t push it from her mind.

 

If she had received this letter a year ago she might have just let it go, she wasn’t able to open up to situations like she had grown to be capable of now but she still struggled.

 

Lexa constantly had to remind herself that she couldn’t lock issues away inside like she previously would have done and she couldn’t push people away whenever she was scared like she had before.

 

She pushed through the door of her apartment complex, feeling that warmth overtake her and straightening herself out before she made her way to the elevators.

 

Her hands twitched in front of her and she couldn’t help but smile to herself for a moment, enjoying the fact that she had come so far as to actually want to share something big that had happened with Clarke as opposed to wanting to keep it to herself.

 

She found herself looking forward more and more to going home to even just talk to the other girl or when she was the one working late, she would wait impatiently for the blonde’s return.

 

Lexa was truly and deeply in love with the blonde girl and she had stolen Lexa’s heart beyond the point return.

 

The elevator bell rung flatly and she stepped inside quickly pressing the button for the 20th floor; not only had she encountered huge changes in her professional life but her personal life as well.

 

Lexa and Clarke were no longer neighbours but they were living together in a slightly bigger apartment only 2 stories higher than they had originally been when they had first met.

 

Things weren’t perfect, they were never going to be perfect when Lexa was still trying to get used to sharing an apartment together in having someone live in her space but if it were anyone; she was glad it was Clarke.

 

They had only been living with each other for just over a month now and it had inevitably caused a number of arguments, most of them coming from Lexa’s irrational need to have her own space or time that she had developed due to growing up mostly on her own.

 

Lexa wouldn’t change it for anything though, she loved coming home after a long day and finding Clarke in the apartment; in _their_ apartment.

 

It was weird to think about it at times because in her opinion, it happened very quickly but it just made sense to move in with each other; in fact it had actually been Gustus’ idea for them to move up to the 20th floor together.

 

They had been spending almost all of their nights together and one apartment was always empty so he planted the seed of moving in together because obviously it was just where the relationship was headed.

 

The elevator slowly made its way to the 20th floor, the doors opening sluggishly and noisily once it had arrived leaving Lexa to make the short walk to their apartment door.

 

She unlocked the door of apartment 2003 and she noticed quickly that all the lights were turned off except for a lamp by the entrance that Clarke must have left on for her; pulling her phone from her pocket to see that it was now just after 11pm.

 

Lexa had hoped that Clarke might have been awake, she actually hadn’t even seen her girlfriend since the night before as she had started work at the coffee shop 6am that morning and she had left the brunette to sleep the extra hour knowing she would be working late.  

 

She quickly dumped her bag by the door, slipping her shoes off to stay next to her bag and leaving her coat on the back of the couch as she walked towards the bedroom door that was half ajar still after noticing the dull light from another lamp.

 

The brunette’s heart felt like it skipped a beat as she saw Clarke sitting on their bed, with her laptop on her knees while she leaned back on the headboard; eyebrows knitted together in deep concentration.

 

“I was hoping you’d be home soon” Clarke said with a small smile that grew as she glanced up at the brunette “I was starting to fall asleep”

 

“I’m sorry I’m so late” Lexa sighed apologetically as she moved to her side of the bed, collapsing face down on the soft mattress and letting her face rest in her pillow

 

“You can’t sleep like that” Clarke chuckled as Lexa heard the click of the laptop closing before she felt the bed shift next to her

 

She lifted her head from the pillow to see that Clarke had moved herself to be right in front of her, the blonde’s head resting near her own and the smile on her face was almost unfair.

 

“Hi” Lexa whispered as she rolled to her side so she could face her girlfriend, shuffling her body so she could be flush up against her and resting their foreheads together

 

“Hey there” Clarke’s soft smile growing on her lips

 

“How was your day?” Lexa asked quietly, moving her hand to stroke Clarke’s cheek gently

 

“We text all day, you know how my day was” Clarke laughed quietly before she leaned forward to press a chaste but meaningful kiss

 

“I know” Lexa replied honestly with a small sigh, filled with a mix of satisfaction and loss as Clarke parted from her lips “It’s just been a long day”

 

“It has” Clarke agreed, wearing a sympathetic expression on her face that extended to her eyes “But you’re home now _and_ you’re on a break now for Christmas. Granted we’re only going to Middleton but I’m just happy you’re coming with me, it’ll make everything a little less painful”

 

“I hope so” Lexa nodded before moving her hand from Clarke’s cheek to rest her arm over the blonde’s waist “I’m looking forward to it”

 

“Are you really?” Clarke cocked an eyebrow, her own hand moving to grip the collar on Lexa’s shirt just above her chest

 

“Yeah, I’ll just be happy to spend Christmas with you” Lexa replied with a nod once more, her eyes widening in tired enthusiasm “Plus I’ll finally be going to Middleton”

 

“It’s not that exciting” Clarke laughed to herself before she exhaled deeply herself, gripping the material of the brunette’s collar between her fingers “How is Anya?”

 

“She’s good” Lexa said simply “She’s loving it, I don’t think she’ll be back anytime soon”

 

“You okay with that?”

 

“Well she’s been gone for almost a year now but I’m still not used to it. I do miss her” Lexa replied thoughtfully as her eyes dropped to her hand that had found its way under the Blonde’s shirt so her fingers could touch the warm skin over Clarke’s hipbone

 

“I know” Clarke responded quietly and shifting slightly to place a kiss on Lexa’s forehead briefly before gaining the brunette’s eye contact once more “But you still have your other friends here, you have mine too and you have me”

 

“I know” Lexa mirrored Clarke’s previous response, tone and all “And I’m looking forward to having dinner with everyone tomorrow night before we go”

 

“I think everyone is” Clarke agreed “You’re really needy when you’re tired”

 

“I’m not needy” Lexa protested but only pushed herself a little closer to Clarke, if that were at all possible “I do have to talk to you about something though”

 

“Sounds promising” Clarke replied weakly, her voice sobered completely after a moment of silence formed between the pair 

 

“I don’t know whether it’s good or whether it’s bad” Lexa admitted shaking her head as she quickly moved from her position on the bed to exit the room, leaving Clarke extremely confused who still on their bed 

 

“What is going on?” Clarke called from the bedroom as Lexa hurried to pull the now crumpled envelope from her jacket pocket

 

“I got this in the mail today” Lexa reentered the room, holding up the envelope in front of her as she moved back to her side of the bed but only knelt next to Clarke instead of resuming her previous position

 

“You got a letter?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows

 

“I realize that sounds really stupid but the return address on the envelope didn’t have a name on it so I looked it up and it came from a private investigator based here” Lexa explained quickly with her eyebrows knitted with a conflicted expression “And I don’t know what to do because this can only mean one thing”

 

“Your biological relatives” Clarke concluded reasonably and calmly

 

“Right” Lexa nodded

 

“Have you opened it?”

 

“No” The brunette shook her head longer than she spoke, exhaling deeply at the end of her single word reply

 

“Lexa it could be nothing” Clarke said sitting up slowly to move next to the still kneeling girl, placing her arm around her waist and pulling the brunette down to sit next to her “You’re not going to know until you open it”

 

“Maybe I don’t want to know” Lexa mumbled looking down at the small envelope that was weighing so heavily on her mind

 

“Well you don’t have to look at it at all if you don’t want to, I guess” Clarke shrugged, tightening her grip around her girlfriend’s waist “You got this today?”

 

“I got it this morning and I know I probably should have told you earlier but I needed to think about it before I told anyone” Lexa explained cautiously

 

“Honestly I’m actually surprised you told me today” Clarke responded with a nod “I think the reasons for wanting to open this are obvious, it could be your biological relatives but you’ve also explained all the reasons why you wouldn’t want to make contact with them”

 

“They just abandoned me and let me deal with the world pretty much on my own” Lexa said finally tearing her eyes from the envelope in her hands to shift her neck and rest her head on Clarke’s shoulder “And I don’t like looking at the past, I don’t like to think what they did had any kind of flow on effect on me but my trust issues are a perfect example of that”

 

“It sounds to me like you’ve made your mind up already” Clarke returned softly, turning her head to press a few quick kisses against the tired brunette’s hair

 

“But then I look at it and wonder why now?” Lexa admitted “If this is them, why now? Do they want something from me? Do they need to tell me something? Are they trying to clear their conscience by explaining why they put me into the foster system?”

 

“I think this might be something you need to sleep on and think about” Clarke sighed deeply “And I think that you need to ask yourself if knowing whatever is in that letter is going to give you peace or whether it’s going to cause you more harm than good. I think maybe you need to ask yourself if it is going to make a difference to you if they do explain why. Personally Lexa, all I care about in this situation is you so whatever you decide I’ll support but I don’t want to see you get hurt and I don’t want to see you put all those walls up again. You don’t have to want contact with them even if they do; they chose to give you up no matter the circumstance as you’ve told me before so now you get to make this choice”

 

“You’re right” Lexa nodded thoughtfully before groaning “Why did this have to be sent now?”

 

“It’ll be okay” Clarke reassuringly kissed her hair once more before resting her own head against Lexa’s “Just promise me that no matter what happens, you’re not going to try and shut me out or push me away again”

 

“I promise” Lexa confirmed earnestly “There’s no point trying to push you away or shut you out anymore; I love you too much”

 

“I love you too” Clarke’s voice just above a whisper

 

“Plus you pay half the rent” Lexa added jokingly yet awkwardly to try and break from the tension she felt inside her, earning a soft punch on the leg for her troubles

 

Lexa and Clarke sat there for at least 5 minutes in silence, the brunette reaching out to take her girlfriend’s hand in her own and using her thumb to stroke the back of her palm gently yet absentmindedly.

 

She knew she could have been working herself up for no reason, maybe Lexa had nothing to worry about or maybe it wasn’t even her biological family trying to contact her at all but she was having a hard time trying to think of any other reason she would be contacted by a private investigator.

 

That question would have been easily answered if she could only just open the letter that now sat in front of her on the bed but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

 

When she was much younger she would try and imagine what her parents looked like, what they did, how old they were when they had her, where they lived, if she had any siblings or half siblings for that matter but as she got older she realized she had to stop asking questions or wondering because it was clear they weren’t going to come back for her.

 

That was why she didn’t trust people, that was why she shut people out; because people were just a disappointment and Lexa had been working so hard over the past year to try to change her thought processes.

 

She had done so well opening up to Clarke and even opening up to Clarke’s friends a lot more than even they thought she was capable of doing but she still wasn’t very sociable when it came to other people, she still didn’t talk to anyone in the building or many people around her.

 

Lexa was terrified that if she read that letter, all of that would come flooding back and everything that she had worked towards would come undone, forcing her to lock herself up tightly in that safe place of seclusion once more.

 

And she couldn’t allow that because that safe place of seclusion didn’t leave any room for Clarke or anyone else in her life, the people she needed the most.

 

Clarke was a hundred percent right though, she was the one who was able to make the choice this time if it was in fact her parents or biological family.

 

“Thank you” Lexa mumbled huskily as she broke the dead silence in the room

 

“For what?” Clarke asked curiously

 

“For putting up with me” Lexa replied quietly once more

 

“Well you’re going to have to put up with me and my family in Middleton anyway so I’m giving you a head start” Clarke said lightly, nudging Lexa very gently

 

\---

 

Lexa spent her entire Saturday in the apartment; dividing her time between packing, reading, working on her laptop and staring at the envelope that was now sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch where she had based herself for most of the day.

 

She had tried to distract herself by keeping busy but it wasn’t working and it didn’t help her cause that Clarke was out at work for the majority of the day at work and was only meeting her at the restaurant for dinner that night, making no sense for her to backtrack from work when where they were eating wasn’t too far away.

 

Thankfully she found that time flew when you were contemplating whether or not to open a letter from a private investigator or not that could be in contact with your biological family.

 

She decided to leave early anyway and go to Costia’s apartment to get her point of view on the matter but she quickly found out that her friend was a little less diplomatic than Anya or Clarke.

 

“Why are you considering even _looking_ at this letter, Lexa? If I were you I would be finding the closest fireplace, tear that letter up into tiny little pieces and burn it all without even taking a peek” Costia grumbled angrily “They _abandoned_ you. There’s no good enough reason or excuse for that”

 

“So you’re telling me that if your biological parents tried to contact you now, you would put whatever communication they sent to you into a fire?” Lexa raised her eyebrows

 

“Lexa my biological parents did contact me and let me just say that it made me regret even wanting to have contact with them and freaking out my actual Mom and Dad who adopted me” Costia seethed

 

“Yeah but you have at least adoptive parents, I was never adopted” Lexa pressed carefully

 

“But you have family. You have Clarke, you have me, Echo, Gustus, Anya and her parents as well” Costia countered very quickly “All I’m saying is that I don’t want to see you get hurt because of them anymore. You have a great life now and you live with a hot, amazing, caring girlfriend with a kick ass job with even better friends. You deserve to be happy, not to let thing hang over your head any longer”

 

“A part of me knows you’re right” Lexa said honestly

 

“But?” Costia sighed

 

“No but’s, I’m just scared that if I open the letter I’m going to actually want contact with them” Lexa replied “And who knows what path that’s going to lead down”

 

“Uh I do” Costia folded her arms tightly “A _terrible_ one”

 

Lexa eventually calmed her friend down before they made the walk to the restaurant for one last big group dinner before the brunette ventured to Clarke’s hometown of Middleton to not only spend Christmas there but to also meet her extended family.

 

Lexa and Costia were the last ones to arrive after Costia realized she had been so caught up in her rant that she wasn’t even ready when her younger friend had first arrived, causing her to unhappily rush to dinner.

 

The brunette took her seat next to Clarke, scooting her chair just that extra inch closer to her girlfriend which earned a smirk and a fake gagging reflex from Raven who was sitting across from them.

 

“You should be used to it by now” Lexa shot across the table jokingly at Raven who just rolled her eyes

 

“I should be” Raven nodded

 

Lexa’s relationship had improved dramatically over time with Clarke’s friends, to the point where the lawyer had even hung out with Raven and Octavia without Clarke in their apartment while she was working.

 

Things had been rocky for a while with Bellamy still just because their personalities clashed so much but they had found some mutual ground after Lexa and Clarke had moved in together so things had definitely smoothed over.

 

Lexa was right when she predicted that she and Bellamy would never be best friends but they got along at the very least and that was all the brunette needed.

 

“You open it?” Clarke asked quietly as she rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder very briefly, just to have some contact with her girlfriend

 

“No and Costia thinks I should rip it into pieces and then burn it” Lexa shook her head before looking in the direction of her friend “So that’s her opinion on that one”

 

“Honestly that’s not too crazy” Clarke shrugged, lifting her head from the brunette’s shoulder, moving her hand to rest on Lexa’s thigh “But you don’t need to think about that right now, I’m sure you have done enough of that all day”

 

“So is your mom going to believe that you guys are actually together now or do you think she’ll make you take a lie detector test?” Octavia asked with a grin

 

“I think she’ll be able to tell but we’ve moved in together so I’m pretty sure she knows we are actually a couple” Clarke laughed quietly “Though it is the first time Lexa’s seen her since the whole thing so who knows”

 

“At least I already got a very real talk already” Lexa shrugged “Hopefully the Mayor won’t need to do it again”

 

“I’m so happy you’re going to Middleton for Christmas” Costia sighed heavily, putting her hand over her heart for dramatic effect “Your first Clexa Christmas”

 

“What?” Lexa deadpanned as all expression dropped from her face “Our _what?_ ”

 

“We were group texting” Costia began

 

“Who was group texting?” Lexa questioned instantly

  
“All of us but you and Clarke” Raven said winking to her friend “Sorry Clarke”

 

“What exactly were you group texting about?” Clarke joined the questioning

 

“Just some group stuff” Octavia waved her off

 

“Anyway, saying Clarke and Lexa all the time just became too much so we collectively gave you a couple name which is Clexa” Costia said proudly “It’s so cute that it makes me sick and I love it”

 

“Costia, gross” Lexa protested with a disapproving look on her face “I don’t want a couple’s name”

 

“You’re like Brangelina but with a lot less money and kids” Raven offered enthusiastically

 

“And much, _much_ gayer” Costia agreed with a proud smile still on her face

 

“I don’t know, Clarke is Bi though” Octavia replied through quiet laughter

 

“This was your idea to bring them together” Lexa said turning to Clarke with wide eyes only to see her girlfriend biting her cheek to stop herself from laughing

 

“You know they do this to get a reaction from you, right?” Clarke asked as she shook slightly while trying to contain that laughter

 

“I actually do it because I’m your best friend and it’s my job” Costia grinned as poked the younger girl in the ribs gently “But now I just have more people to help me”

 

“It’s kind of nice to see how different things are since a year ago” Clarke observed as she leaned back into her chair looking down the table at her friends

 

“I’m fairly sure this time last year I was being yelled at by Bellamy in front of my old apartment” Lexa said looking down to him as he sat at the other end of the table

 

“Yeah but you deserved that” Bellamy offered with his hands up defensively “And we called truce”

 

“No I’m glad you did it” Lexa nodded

 

“I’m glad he did it because I couldn’t do it soon enough either” Costia added glancing to Bellamy “Until I saw you in front of her and went all protective friend on you”

 

“As I said, it’s nice how different things are” Clarke chuckled

 

“It is nice” Lexa nodded “Though I still want to know why you were all group texting about Clarke and I”

 

“Okay so we were trying to think of what to get you guys for Christmas” Octavia confessed “There’s no big conspiracy or anything but we thought it might be nice to get you guys something for the apartment from all of us”

 

“And we still haven’t decided so you might find something new in your apartment when you get back” Raven sighed “You guys are hard to buy for”

 

“Your first Clexa Christmas and your first couple gift” Costia said grinning before winking dramatically at her friend “And don’t worry; I’ll let Anya in on this so she can start calling you both that too”

 

“Oh god no” Lexa grumbled as she covered her face with her hand in frustration “Costia”

 

Lexa heard laughter around the table and wanted to react further but she knew that was exactly what they were waiting for but she also stopped herself when she heard Clarke laughing next to her, knowing that she could put up with it if the teasing came with that happy sound.

 

\---

 

Lexa tucked her head further under Clarke’s chin, listening to the steady heartbeat of her girlfriend, her leg lazily thrown over the blonde’s waist while her fingers toyed with the material on the younger girl’s sleeve.

 

Clarke had her arm wrapped around the brunette, pulling her closer towards her body if that were at all possible, leaving her other hand to trace soft lines down Lexa’s upper arm that was picking at her shirt.

 

“Are you all packed for tomorrow?” Clarke asked quietly, Lexa enjoying the hum of her voice echoing through her chest

 

“I think so” Lexa responded “I’m ready for my Middleton debut”

 

“Mom is actually excited” Clarke chuckled “She called me while I was at work”

 

“I’m a little cautious about your mom” Lexa admitted with a furrowed brow, concentrating on the material she was toying with “Does she have access to a lie detector?”

 

“You’ll be fine” Clarke laughed heartily, giving the brunette a tight but quick squeeze “So she’ll pick us up at the airport and it’s about an hour drive from the airport but I think we’ll stop at dinner on the way to the house at this place we used to go with my dad all the time”

 

“Sounds good” Lexa said quietly “Are you going to be okay going home?”

 

“I _am_ home” Clarke mumbled seriously, pausing for a moment before she continued “I’ll be okay going back to Middleton and it’ll help having you with me. I think it’ll get easier every year I go back. You know what they say about time”

 

“But sometimes time doesn’t heal all” Lexa shrugged, moving her head out from under Clarke’s chin and propping herself up on her elbow but making sure to stay as close to the blonde as possible, all to look up at the other girl “Sometimes that pain can stay the same for a long time and that’s okay if it feels like that”

 

“I just don’t want to mope every time I go back there” Clarke reasoned, using her now free hand to sweep a stray lock of long brown hair behind Lexa’s ear only to have it fall back into her face once more “I just hate being reminded of everything as soon as I get on the plane or when I see the house or even when I see my grandparents”

 

“I know I can’t really relate to your feeling of loss with your dad but I can imagine what it must feel like going back there and just being reminded of him. It would be difficult to ever get over” Lexa nodded, biting her bottom lip gently as she tried to think of what to tell the other girl “I guess you just have to try and remember the good times”

 

“I think he would have liked you” Clarke said with a small smile starting to form on her lips “Though I was his only child so he was pretty protective”

 

“So I definitely would have had a lie detector test conducted” Lexa joked lightly

 

“What are you going to do about this letter?” Clarke asked suddenly with a sigh “I’m just worried the longer you leave it, the more it’s going to eat at you”

 

“I don’t know” Lexa replied honestly

 

“I don’t think you want to open it” Clarke reached out to stroke Lexa’s cheek gently “But I definitely think there is something stopping you from throwing it away. So what is it?”

 

“The weak side of me keeps stopping me from doing it” Lexa admitted, blinking quickly “That stupid, weak side of me wants to read about how my parents were forced to give me up and were looking for me the entire time. How they just couldn’t get in contact with me but had been trying for such a long time”

 

“That’s not weak, Lexa” Clarke disagreed

 

“Isn’t it?” Lexa countered “Because what I really should be wanting to do is tell them to go to hell after leaving me when I was four”

 

“Then tell them to go to hell” Clarke replied with a quick shake of her head “But you not reading the letter or making a decision is avoiding the problem and you know that avoiding the problem isn’t going to help”

 

“You were the one telling me not to worry about it at dinner” Lexa raised both her eyebrows, moving her body to sit cross legged next to where Clarke was still laying

 

“Because we were at dinner” Clarke rolled her eyes, adjusting herself to lean against the headboard of the bed, her hand moving once more to stroke the Brunette’s face delicately “I just think that you have thought about this before you got this letter more than you say you have and no one would blame you for it. No one would blame you for wanting to know why you look the way you do or why you act the way you do”

 

“Believe me, I definitely know that I act the way I do thanks to my parents” Lexa scoffed as she took Clarke’s hand from her cheek to rest in her lap, playing with her fingers very gently “ _That_ doesn’t need to be answered”

 

“I mean your mannerisms” Clarke responded patiently

 

“I have wondered” Lexa admitted quietly after a moment passed between them, tilting her head slightly as she deliberated internally before finally meeting the other girls eyes again “But at the same time, I was left wondering for so long that I stopped caring. I just can’t get past the fact that these people are blood”

 

“Just because these people are blood doesn’t mean that they are family. Your family are all the people who have been there for you and supported you like Anya, Costia, Echo and Gustus” Clarke spoke with conviction “These people are just biological relatives”

 

“That’s why you’ve been saying that the whole time” Lexa said, her lips curving to a tiny smile as her eyes fell to Clarke’s soft hand in her lap

 

“I want to agree with Costia and say that you should just rip the letter up but if you do, you’ll just be left wondering for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to regret this” Clarke said very seriously “But I also don’t want this to dig up bad memories and I don’t want you to shut yourself off again”

 

“Will you open it?” Lexa looked at her girlfriend through the dull light of the room, seeing a look of surprise and hesitation cover her features

 

“You want me to open the letter?”

 

“I just want to see who it is, what they want and then make my decision” Lexa replied “I don’t know why I feel like it will help but I definitely think it will”

 

“If you think it will help” Clarke nodded with a sigh

 

Without another word Lexa stood from the bed, moving out to the main area of the apartment and feeling for the light clumsily before turning it on.

 

She flinched as the brightness burned her eyes for a moment before she quickly adjusted to the light and moved quickly to the coffee table where the envelope was still sitting.

 

Lexa couldn’t deny the increase in her heartbeat and felt the weight of the situation hit her suddenly, unsure of what this could actually mean for her.

 

She picked up the envelope, cursing herself for letting a small piece of paper mean such a big deal to her but it did.

 

Her feet quietly padded against the cold floor as she made her way back to the bedroom, finding Clarke sitting up completely looking at the door nervously as she waited for Lexa’s return.

 

“You look more scared than I do” Lexa joked awkwardly as she turned the light off in the lounge, returning to sit on the other side of the bed and handing the envelope to Clarke

 

“Are you sure you want me to be the one to open this?” Clarke asked seriously “We can’t un-open this once it’s done”

 

“I’m sure” Lexa nodded, reminding herself to breathe “I trust you”

 

Lexa sat anxiously in front of her girlfriend as she opened the seal of the envelope carefully, glancing at the brunette one last time before she pulled the letter smoothly.

 

She swallowed thickly as Clarke unfolded the letter, her eyes scanning down the page quickly, reading key words and phrases that clearly stuck out to her; exhaling sharply before her eyes met Lexa’s once more.

 

“Do I even want to know?” Lexa flinched as she watched Clarke’s expression change as her mind processed what she had just read

 

“Well, you were right” Clarke spoke calmly and quietly, her eyes focusing on her girlfriend intently “Your parents hired this private investigator to track you down and want to get in contact with you; apparently though only if you want that as well. They apparently would need to set something up because they don’t live in New York anymore”

 

Lexa couldn’t respond to what Clarke had just told her, she didn’t think she had it in her to actually speak at that moment and she even had to remind herself to breathe.

 

20 years she had been alone in the world without her parents, 20 years she had to fend for herself wondering where her parents were and why they had just left her.

 

20 years after that day they had decided they were ready to make contact and all Lexa could wonder was ‘why’?

 

She exhaled a shaky, deep breath as she felt Clarke’s hand gripping her gently on her knee; shuffling herself to be sitting directly in front of the brunette.

 

“What are you thinking?” Clarke asked with her voice just above a whisper

 

“So when they’re ready to make contact they try and get in touch with me?” Lexa asked shaking her head “When I’ve pushed and clawed my way through college, supporting myself and getting a great job they decide they are ready to get in contact with me?”

 

“It doesn’t sound fantastic” Clarke shook her head

 

“For years all I wanted was to receive this very letter, saying that they wanted me back in their lives” Lexa furrowed her eyebrows, clenching her jaw “Now that I’ve gotten it, I wish I hadn’t”

 

“So what are you going to do?” Clarke gestured to the letter still sitting in her hand

 

“Nothing” Lexa exhaled shakily “ _Nothing_ because they waited 20 years to get in contact with me. I know I try and say that I don’t let what they did get to me but you know as well as I do that it follows me around like a black cloud”

 

“So you don’t want to make contact with them?” Clarke raised an eyebrow “Maybe you should give it a few days and let yourself settle down a little?”

 

“This is my choice and you were right when you said that these people weren’t my family. The people who are important to me are my family and I think digging up the past like that is going to cause too much pain than what it is worth” Lexa admitted as her words scraping against her throat a few times “I don’t want any contact with them”

 

“Are you sure?” Clarke sighed, placed the letter down on the bed so she could move to kneel in front of the other girl, putting the letter down and placing her arms on each of Lexa’s knees before leaning her face in closely so that their noses were almost touching

 

“I’m more than sure” Lexa nodded, her focus pointed directly at her girlfriend “Gustus helped me with an apartment as well as a job when I left the foster system, Anya was my first friend who also introduced me to Costia and Echo who have stuck with me through all the crap I have given them. You never gave up on me when you were probably told so many times that I couldn’t change or really let you in. That’s family; not these people who are trying to contact me. I have all the family I need”

 

“You know, you’re very good at those speeches” Clarke chuckled lightly, taken aback a little by Lexa’s strong convictions

 

“I _am_ a lawyer” Lexa smiled weakly

 

Clarke didn’t say another word, only nodding as she leaned in to kiss Lexa deeply; sighing against the brunette’s lips as she tried to convey her admiration and pride that wouldn’t have been possible using just words.

 

“Should I say I’m a lawyer more often?” Lexa pulled away from the kiss with the same weak smile playing on her face

 

She leaned in to capture Clarke’s lips quickly once more before reaching out to take the letter that was now sitting behind where the blonde was positioned.

 

Lexa stood from the bed with the letter in her hands, folding it neatly before moving her hands in different directions to tear the letter in half.

 

The brunette exhaled, feeling a weight shift off her chest and shoulders as she looked down to the now torn paper; sliding her fingers to the edge of the paper to rip it in half again and once more after that.

 

She held the now ripped paper between her thumb and index finger of her right hand, looking to Clarke who hadn’t moved from her kneeling position as she watched Lexa carefully.

 

“I’d take Costia’s advice but we don’t have a fireplace and I don’t think Gustus would appreciate me lighting a fire in the middle of the room just to burn this” Lexa spoke with a small smile

 

“A little dramatic too, don’t you think?” Clarke raised an eyebrow, shaking her head but she couldn’t help but smile at the look of relief on Lexa’s face

 

“Maybe a little” Lexa chuckled to herself “What should I do with it?”

 

“Put it in the trash and come to bed” Clarke said quickly “We have a long day ahead tomorrow, it’s late and I can’t kiss you if you’re out thinking of an elaborate plan to destroy that letter more”

 

“I’ve done enough” Lexa nodded, turning to the small trash can by the door of the room before moving back to the bed and pulling Clarke down to lay next to her once more “Thank you for letting me talk that out with you”

  
“You do realize just how far you’ve come, right?” Clarke asked raising her eyebrows, tilting her head to place a kiss on Lexa’s forehead gently “A year ago you never would have even talked to me about any of that stuff, you would have just kept it to yourself. You’ve come a long way”

 

She _had_ come a long way from the girl who had gruffly presented the mail that Gustus had slipped into her mail locker a year ago and all it took was the right person to make her want to better herself.

 

She had just made a few more mistakes along the way than she would have liked.

 

Lexa still had a lot to learn and a lot of walls to pull down or not try to rebuild but she would get there.

 

But she knew that Clarke for some strange reason would help her as much as Lexa would allow, she would be there just for _her_.

 

She would be there for Lexa; proud, happy but still _stupid_ Lexa.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> Once again, thank you for the support on this one. I had a lot of fun writing this story for something different! 
> 
> I have started working on a new fic and it will be something completely different to what I have done before once again. This one will be a little darker, a little more plot focussed but I can promise lots of Clexa goodness because they are my complete weakness! *Cough* Zombie Apocalypse Style AU *Cough* Maybe :P


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